The Perfect Tower

     Recently I had gotten into a game called "The Perfect Tower". It is much like an idle game, yet it's also like a tower defense game. The reason I'm so into it, is probably because I love both idle and tower defense games. Typically while I play games like these, I normally gather ideas floating above me. That is how much I get into these games. Believe it or not I'm fairly picky about the games I play. I'm not much of a gamer, not like what I use to be. I use to be big into World of Warcraft, but not so much anymore, probably for the best.

     I've sent many developers ideas I get, sometimes I get as many to write them down on a piece of paper, that way I don't forget any. Sometimes I even spend a day or two just coming up with ideas for the games I play. I don't expect much, fantasizing is what I love doing. In fact, most of the time developers don't respond to me. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever gotten a response from ideas that I've sent in the past.

     Today wasn't like any other day though. I was up late last night, trying to reach the leader board for The Perfect Tower. There was a recent update changing many things, it was harder to get where I was able to before the bug fixes... the game was more challenging now. While it took me maybe two or three hours to hit wave 2000, I was thinking of new enemies we could encounter, I also thought of a few lesser things, but come around one in the morning; it was a late night for me, I finally lost at roughly round 2400.

     With the few ideas floating around my head, I decide to go ahead and send the developer a private message. I wasn't expecting much, I mean it's a pretty popular game and the chance of others messaging this person where high. A lot of times the developers get an overwhelming amount of messages, rather they are about the game or not. People these days don't take into consideration that programmers, or anyone that has a high rank on the popularity chart, don't have time to talk to people they don't know. The main time programmers will read of follow up on a message if it's about a bug seen in the game.

     I woke up this morning to start grinding materials used in the game to allow me to reach further waves. Luckily I don't have to stay at my computer to do this, the game is mostly an idle game, so I can just click start and go do something else while I wait to die, then I would come back and hit start again. However, before I started the game, I noticed a message. I figured it was just a message notifying me there was a recent update to a game I've favored.

     In shock I realized that wasn't the case. The developer had respond to me, I wasn't expecting what he side either. He rather enjoyed my ideas and said he would experiment with them though he wasn't sure when he would get to testing the ideas, because he had several other suggestions and bug fixes to work on. I don't really care if he tests them or not, but that wasn't all he said. As I kept reading he really like one of my ideas enough to tell me I will probably see it in the future. So that made my day today, I'm hoping to come up with more ideas for him as I know he will respond, though I should probably wait until he gets a few updates going and write ideas down to make one long message.

     For those who might enjoy the game here it is! The Perfect Tower the website is safe otherwise I wouldn't be using it. 

Weekly Update: 4

     Happy Easter everyone! Hopefully everyone who celibates Easter had a good day, for those who don't is by chance there was another holiday going on for your religion or where you live, hopefully all was well too! Today is a weekly update post, unfortunately I missed last Sundays update due to being on vacation. I'm hoping to get pictures out sometime this coming week. Anyways I'm going to go over what may be new series/ posts if I get enough and keep enough ideas for the series ahead of time. 

     Blogging isn't like your last minute five page English assignment you decide to work on an hour before it's due. Though, I do type these posts out with an hour to spear, I like to try and have the posts out roughly around 11 in the afternoon. I however plan ahead of time what I'm going to post. Unless I get busy and completely forget that I'm suppose to be posting something (Oops). 

     So as life stories always come to an end, I'm not very old and stories of my past are sparse. Posting something every day, I will soon run out of things to post. To prevent that I feel like I should combine a few of the other blogs I was planning on creating. I still may start the blogs so I can stay somewhat organized, and that way can keep communities together. People who are just looking for say prompts, wont really want to come to this blog and search for them. Plus the blog title in itself will help keep communities together. 

     If I do start a few new series, things will change. I will try to stay on a strict posting schedule (Thanks to work I can now spell schedule :P). What I mean by this is, like how I post I update/ recap every Sunday. I will try to keep the same topic of a series on the same days. It may take me a while to get use to, but I'm hoping that will happen. Not sure when this will take place as I need to brainstorm some content four the series I already have in mind. 

     Right now the only things I can think of are posting a word with it's definition, so word of the day, and prompts or ideas that I just allow to float around a bit before I forget them. For the word of the day posts, I'm thinking of possibly writing a sentence or paragraph with the words I choose... my vocabulary is a bit dual, so I'm hoping this will help me grow sentence structure. And now finally with a few minutes to spare, here is what I post last week. I won't be including what I missed from the previous week. 

List of Phobias (B)

List of Phobias (A)

Idle Games

Outside Fun

My Senior Year Part 4

     I'm short one post, but that was because I had gotten home from my short trip and took the day off. Once I get enough content, I will post a schedule of whats going to be posted when, and how often I decide to post the same topic in a week. I may even do a Monthly recap with back links to all the posts a published for that month. Hopefully everyone enjoyed the nice weather while it lasted! 

Idle Games

     Tonight will be a small post, I got a bit involved with a pointless game or idle game. I was going to try and  set it up to where viewers could just play the game on my blog, but I can't with this one unfortunately. The game is called The Perfect Tower. It seems to be a strategy based idle game, which I haven't come across before. It is really challenging to get started and far enough to continue playing without dying.

     http://www.kongregate.com/games/XmmmX99/the-perfect-tower  the link is the best I can do, but I think I can add another idle game I was playing before I found this one. I also spend a good amount of my time today playing this game as well. It is called Runean Idle. For this game just buy runes and upgrades, that is really all there is to it. The point to these "pointless" games are just wasting time, and that they do... that they do. 

[Here comes the game]

Game provided by Crazy Games

Outside Fun

     Today was a nice day for me, I was able to get some things done for once. A lot of it had to do with the sun being out, and being 60 degrees. I went and collected a good some of pictures today. I arrived home last night around six in the afternoon, so the pictures were taken here at home. Luckily I was able to capture some pictures in Pennsylvania while I was there. I'm thinking I got a little over a hundred pictures. Most of which I will share on my photography blog, but I will add a few I took specially for this blog.

     I'm not expecting this post to be to long, I'm feeling fairly lightheaded and dizzy, and I haven't even taken my medicine yet, I think I may have over done it today. I pushed my past my limits, which is good in a sense, but with me being on the medicine it probably wasn't a good idea for me to be outside as much as I was.

     It wouldn't surprise me if I already had a light sun burn. For some reason, I don't remember it being a side effect or a long term effect from the medicine, but the first time I took it; three to four years ago, I burn easily now. I use to be able to be out in the sun and heat for hours and days on end without getting burnt, that has all changed now.

     What did I do outside? I'm glad you asked. I was able to lay out and mark where I wanted to plant my trees for the orchard. Laying it out showed me I had more room than I thought. At first I was planing on caring for around twenty trees, but I may try to do more. The only problem is, that is a lot of money, so I will probably plant a few this year than plant more next. Still a bit undecided on the fruit baring trees I will be buying. I know for sure apple and peach, but I'm also thinking of doing some cherry and plum trees.

     Also when I get my bee boxes done, I will be place them behind my orchard to help pollinate the trees. I know bees move and can travel long distance, but I figured behind the orchard would be great for beekeeping. Mainly because the bees will mostly be around the trees and their vicinity. Which will help keep the bees away from people. Not that they are territorial or anything, I just know people don't like being around them, even though they really harmless unless you bother them.

     Not only did I get that done, I also was able to work a bit more on I guess what everyone is referring to as a zen garden, though I'm unsure if that is the correct term for it or not. It took me near two to three hours just clearing the grass out of a small section. Grass wasn't the only issue, it was also a lot of bird seed. I took a rake and ended up gathering enough bird seed to fill the containers again... a few times at least. I was shocked to see how much lower the area became once I took the rake to it.

     Once I got that mostly done, I took pine needles and used it as mulch around my strawberries, and a few of my raspberries. I probably should have worn gloves when fulfilling this task, but it was quicker for me to just gather the needles by hand, rather than looking for gloves I could wear. I just can't wait to finish mulching around all the raspberries, not only is pine good for the raspberries, but it also looks better than regular mulch.

     I forget how, but I found that pine needles are good to use for mulch around strawberries, raspberries, and roses. Using it around roses and raspberries made a bit of since. At least with my logic. Roses and raspberries are a part of the same family, there is something in the pine needles I suppose that is great nutrition for many plants. The reason I see it working for raspberries and roses is because that all poke you or scratch you. Strawberries don't make a lot of sense to me because they don't have thorns of any sort. Anyways hopefully everyone was able to enjoy the nice weather outside today!      

My Senior Year Part 4 (Duplicity)

     A friend, one of my best friends that I had known for roughly four, five years. He had gotten me into anime. All he ever talked about was the Japanese cartoons, he lived for it. Around 10th grade, he had gotten me into drawing, which I talked about a bit in My Artistic Phase. Well he always did seem a bit jealous of my drawings, and criticized where criticism wasn't needed, and pointed out very minor details. Something a bit like "this is a little to big" or this "line is a little off". At first I couldn't tell of his envious. I just started  drawing, so I took his criticism as a complement to better my projects.

     It got to the point in 11th grade, where he was just rude. He always said he was a blunt person, but there is a difference between being blunt and just being flat out rude. Bully would be the correct label for him if I wasn't his friend. Judging people left and right, while getting offended by the littlest of things. He was right, he was ominous, no one could ever be better than he. 

     I couldn't stand it anymore, so I had thought about not being friends with him anymore. Venting to my best friend in which we shared this friend. I had voiced my thoughts, I don't think my best friend intended this, he has a neutral type personality.  Some how though it came up to the friend we share, that I didn't want to be his friend anymore. I don't remember how it all went down, but I remember him wanting to call me. 

     This was after another incident where I was mad at him. While I was playing Xbox with the two (I'm not a big gamer, so that was the first and only time I had played with them). He kicked me from the group as we were all grouped in an online lobby. I text my best friend to find out what was going on, and he didn't really know at first, and said it was the friend we shared. So I end up texting him to find out why and I was pretty upset, I blew up on him. He called me and said it was because I was being a smart alack, which he had been use to, that's my personality. 

     He called me however after he read the message I sent him to the whole lobby online. Of course I was livid, it was uncalled for. It took me almost two weeks I believe to answer his call. He called me a couple times everyday until I answered. All he wanted to say was he didn't want to be friends anymore because I put on a mask, changing my personality to please everyone. I don't and I will go over a post of why it may seem like I do. To me though, that was just a waste of time. Why call someone that many times just to tell them something that could have been done over a text? I obviously didn't want to talk to him. 

     I guess I should mention this all happened over the summer finishing 11th and heading to 12th. We ended up being in piano class the next year, 11th grade. Him and the friend I was talking about in part 2 of this story shared the class. I don't remember if we text each other over this, or if it was just something discussed in piano class, but we ended up becoming friends again.  All I have to say was big mistake there. His true colors didn't show until our friend from part two of my story got cancer. 

     Not able to speak for someone else, I will go over what I saw from my perspective. After Thanksgiving he seemed shorter with me, which I thought was weird, it was around the same time I really started hanging out/ being their for HIS best friend. Where he grew more distant. Around Christmas, I'm thinking it was Christmas break he didn't want to be my friend anymore. Of course I was upset once again, though not really supersized, though he did it when I needed him the most. Our friend was going through tough times which was emotionally draining to all his friends, and my other friend just recently lost his father. 

     Things only got harder though as I wanted to be home schooled. I was having troulbles with bullies, and not having many friends, it was almost pointless for me to go to school. I wasn't even looking up homeschooling and had seen that kids who get home schooled normally are more creative. That was all I needed to hear, I love being creative. So I decided to talk about it with my parents when things turned for the worse. I just got done thinking things could only get better on from here on out, but the just wasn't the case. 

     Here ends this chapter, and begins the next. I'm not sure when I will get the rest of this story typed. I'm heading home tomorrow sometime in the morning and wont be getting home until late. Also I'm not sure if I will be posting anything tomorrow just due to the stress and being tired from the ride. If I do happen to get a post out, it will probably consist of a few pictures taken, and how things went.   

My Senior Year Part 3 (Thankful for Giving)

     In the midst of everything with my friend whom had a tumor. That unfortunately wasn't the end of the suffering, not only for my friends, but also me. These two events had a huge impact on me, Helping my first friend through hard times, it made it even harder on me when I got the news I did, setting at the table for the family get together, forty minutes away.

     This story I assume will be fairly short, but it will make it easier hopefully to follow when I have the full story in sections, that way I can refer to different friends in a post to keep their names out of it. This story is very sketchy me, I remember most of what happened afterwards more than I do before hand.

     My oldest brother; step brother came down for Thanksgiving, it had been a while since he was able to make it to one of our family gatherings, so I was glad he was able to make it that year. He rode up with us, being ornery as usual, making the dull ride a but more enjoyable, though I was listening to music anyways. I know him enough to know if he is trying to be funny or not.

     We get into the building our dinner is hosted at by relatives, if you saw my uncle you would understand where my oldest brother got the ornery eye from. Ritually, my family brought in the food we prepaid for the dinner, Greeted what few family members were there at the time, helped with the finishing touches, and welcomed member pulling in. Being nice we waited for a few last minute arrivals and said our grace, then everyone waited for the first person to start collecting their plate.

     One I get mine, with the small amount of food I consume, I set at the tables with my family, a little nervous to eat. I don't like eating in public, so I avoid it when I can, but this wasn't an occasion I could avoid. I get a text, at first I just kind of ignored it, because I was trying to be polite and wait until I finished my food at least. Hoping to make it through the whole "socializing", I didn't. I can't remember if I got another text or if worry crept upon me. Being Thanksgiving, I passed the text off as a "Happy Thanksgiving" from my friends as I had just wished it to those among my contact list.

     I figure it would be best to check my phone, I do believe I had just finished eating, and it read along the lines something like "my dad past" or "didn't make it". By then I just stared at my phone, I spaced out. Everything just felt like a dream, I kept reading the text to makes sure I was reading it right. My mind was playing tricks on me, I normally miss read, switch a word for another, or misinterpret what I read. This wasn't the case, I showed it to my mom getting a bit emotional.  I didn't know what to think.

     How could a day that's suppose to bring people together, and show their thankfulness for what they have, bring such devastation. Don't take anything for granite, you don't hear that enough these days. Now I didn't know this friends father all to well, we recently became friends and I had seen once or twice, and heard him through my headphones when gaming with this friend.

     I didn't even get a chance to get desert, my parents gathered my siblings and off we went. Trying to hold my tears back, I text the friend I shared with the friend from my last story My Senior Year Part 2. I told him what happened and asked him to pray, at the time he was Christian, and fairly kind. He ended up reply Okay, so I knew he didn't care what had happened. I'm sure a lot of you would think he did, but he didn't, I know him well enough to know when he cares of something.

     And so is the beginning of my next part to this story. The friend of who "was" a christian was actually one of my best friends. He had gotten my into anime more than I once was, and started me on a path I really enjoyed and plan to explore again. Anime brought more than just something to do for me, it helped me discover my creative side. I was creative to begin with, but I only wanted to become more creative, I really enjoyed the style of drawing choose for Anime. 

My Senior Year Part 2 (Change of Mind)

     A person who I never thought would be my friend. The very person who tormented me more than anyone else in my grade. The one who tried to make things right, in piano class which we shared. In which I still didn't trust him. It wasn't so much the fact I held a grudge, as he had done stuff like this before. He would get on my good side than just use me to get gold on an online game we played, I would say together but he rarely grouped up with me for anything... unless he wanted gold.

     I remember one year when my best friend kept asking me who I liked that year. He would list off a few names, which at the time I truthfully didn't like anyone. Well he kept asking me with the same list of people, it was a narrow list, so eventually I finally gave, I was tired of him asking me every to near everyday. Well I should have known it wouldn't stop there. I don't remember questions he asked, but questions just kept coming. Some how eventually word got out to this kid who always tormented me. He would be nice one second only to throw it back in my face one way or another.

     Of course he couldn't just leave it at I "liked" someone. I never really got the chance to tell anyone my true feelings for this girl. Yeah she was winsome don't get me wrong, but I didn't like her enough to be in a relationship with her. I didn't and truthfully still don't care all that much for a relationship. I find beauty in everything, it's hard to explain the way I am about this stuff so I'm not going to get into it, maybe save it for another post; when I know what I mean. Word ended up getting around to this girl, which she was snoody about the whole ordeal. Of course though it was't just one classmate picking on me about this, it was two. One Of course I got along with better, but that's mostly because we were I suppose off and on again friends.

     Never, not once did I think the person I stood by through hard times, would become friends. It was a thought out of mind for me. Things changed though as he changed. Through out the year we had piano class together, I think it was the year before this incident, him and I did start to get alone a bit better. Now I have to rephrase that sentence a little because I can't speak for him, I don't know if he wanted to be my friend or not, and I don't know how he felt about me throughout piano. The point here though, is that I started to change the way I felt about him, he wasn't so much the bad guy anymore as it was just trying to fit in with the right people. I say that because him and I shared a friend at the time, so we were around each other a bit more.

     Still I skeptical of this friendship just because the way he treated me before, I knew what he was like. I'm not the time of person to hold a grudge, so becoming friends or letting my guard down was just second nature at that time. I love helping and being friendly to people, though I did ease my way into trusting him, to the fullest someone could trust another that's used them more than once.

     Well as he kept missing school, and when he was at school, he would always be down in the nurses office. I remember one day; at lunch I believe it was, he looked like he was in a lot of pain. He had his head laying on the table and arms covering his eyes. I hadn't seen anyone in as much pain as he was in that day.  At this point I didn't know a whole lot of what was going on, though the friend we shared knew a bit more than me, but he kept it to himself.  Things... they only got worse from that point.

     I remember sometime in the fall, it was just getting cold outside, cold enough to need a coat but warm enough you didn't. I text my mom earlier that day in despair. The friend we shared was upset, to the point he went to the bathroom to punch a wall I believe, tears rolled down his cheeks. I've never even seen this friend upset or mad now that I think of it. He told us before hand that our friend had a tumor. That's all I knew from that point, I didn't know if it was cancerous or not. I text my mom to let her know what was happening. It was one of those days where I wanted to go home but at the same time needed to keep my mind else where.

    Later that day when I got home from school, I don't remember how it all happened, but we ended up heading down the road a few miles to check up on his family to hear what was actually happening. I went inside to see him, and me as quite as I am didn't talk much to him, which I felt bad because his dad told me that he wasn't as talk active as he use to be due to everything that was happening, I don't remember all of what was happening so I can't say for sure if he was on medication at the time or anything like that.

     My mom and his were setting outside talking about the whole thing, my mom wanted to help out you know, and early that day- actually I remember a bit of why we went over in the first place, I wanted help, and I wanted to see how bad the situation was because it was unclear to me rather or not it was cancerous, either way I wanted to help. I was in a bit better of a mood when I got to see that he was doing decent. We were there were a while, so my mom and his could talk.

     We were heading home and I found out it was the unfortunate C. I was devastated, not to mention the fact if I am correct, it was a rare form of cancer. I stuck beside him from the beginning til the end. My mom and I tried the best we could to help support them for both emotional and financial cares. If wasn't a whole lot, but we set out donation cans, with their permission of course, and tried out very best to be there for their family. We got clearance from the school to sell t-shirt to help raise money. The friend we shared, his best friend wasn't going to help raise money for him. It was a task for him to spend a little bit for a good cause, that hurt me more than anything. Who dumps their best friend like that?

     This is where I stop for tonight, but through all that Thanksgiving came with little thanks to give for why someone was taken, but plenty of  thanks for what's been received, for another one of my friends hit a rough patch. 

Night Before the Trip

     This post wont be very long, I still need to get ready for the long ride I will have to endure tomorrow. It's roughly an eight hour drive. It all depends on how many stops are made along the way. My family normally goes to Pennsylvania once a year to visit family. The ride is a bit long for me, but I try my best to not let my claustrophobia get in the way. I mean I don't really have a choice.

     I will be starting my medicine again unfortunately, mainly so I can get a little sleep at least. Hopefully I can get some pictures while I'm there, though with my luck, it is suppose to snow where I'm heading... go figures. I love the scenery on the way up, and my grandparents have a bunch of flowers and stuff. Though flowers wont be blooming, I hope to get pictures of things coming up.

     While I was at work today I had noticed I reached over 2000 views when I get home! It wasn't too long ago I reached 1000 views. I'm hoping all goes well and I finish typing up My senior year while I'm gone. I wont have a whole lot going on to give me ideas for more posts, at least not that I know of.

     Again this wasn't quite the post I was wanting to do tonight, but I felt rushed for time, and didn't get my post typed before hand. I will be doing a post more than likely over what phobias I have. Many people don't realize that severe anxiety is based from many phobias. I was looking through a list on Phobialist and saw I had many, some I didn't even know were phobias. I just thought it was my personality.

     I'm grateful for all the support I have been getting! It is hard for my to type some of these posts, even though they may not be all that personal. People tell me I'm shy, though I'm not really shy, I just don't like talking, so I tend to keep a lot to myself. I feel bad telling someone my problems, because it makes me feel like I've got it bad, or worse than the person I'm talking to, even though that's not the case.

       

Fighting for Reassurance

     One of the toughest things for me when I'm fighting depression is trying to reassure myself. When I get thoughts of worthlessness, reassurance only makes things worse for me. It's hard, I'm told by people that I just need to deal with it. I do, I'm trying my damned near hardest to overcome my thoughts and doubts. I don't know why being reassured only worsens it.

     What makes it even worse though is when others try to reassure me. I don't want attention, I've dealt with this before and just being alone is the best thing for me. My parents I guess know somethings wrong, because they have been asking me if I'm alright out of the blue. Going the past week or so being short with words, I guess they caught on.

     The thing of it all is when I'm depressed it effects everyone I'm around, only making things that much worse, because they don't know or understand why I'm acting the way I am. I snap at people for no to little reasoning, I'm short with those who are trying to be nice to me. I'm just hateful when I get like this. I feel bad, I don't mean to be, but I can't help it.

     I can't reassure myself. Like tonight we ran out of an ingredient. Normally I unload the truck, so I know if there is something missing or not. With my mood the way it's been, I didn't really take note to what was missing or what we were short on. I feel like it's my fault for it, because it wasn't something we could really get by without.

    Setting here, trying to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, only makes things worse, but I can't help but to at least TRY and relieve myself from the guilt. Making things worse the manager I was having problems with, is the manager I told. That made me feel like it was only that more of a responsibility for me to pay attention to what we got. No one else knows what we get on the truck except for what they see restock, and when something is short when it's needed.

     People don't know how to "help" people with depression or severe anxiety, because it effects everyone uniquely. That and people who gernerally feel the need to help others make things worse. All they want to do is help, but most of the time all that really happens (for me anyways) it just makes things harder. All I can think of is being alone so I don't cause anyone anymore pain.

     I constantly feel like I'm bothersome, and a waste of air when I'm around people, and that the would be better off, or happier without me around. Judgment usually comes to mind when people find out I'm "messed up" because I don't show self harm. I over work myself, I push myself to hard, I want to be the best I can at everything, even if a task is harming me. I pretended I'm going just fine when really I'm not.

     My biggest self harm is something the isn't noticeable until it's almost to late, depending on the situation. I'm underweight, I don't eat, a lot of it is due to depression, but I use it as a self harm. When I get depressed I feel like I eat to much, so I need to cut back otherwise I will gain weight I really don't want. I've gone a few days without eating before because I often feel like I'm to worthless to even eat.

     One thing many don't know is I'm trying, I truly am. To them; in their eyes, I'm not trying. I'm just using my anxiety/ depression as an excuse. I look at people who use such disorders as an excuse poorly, not to be mean, but because I try my hardest at everything. I force myself to work when I'm sick, which really only makes me sicker. No matter the mood I'm in I will force myself to work. When I mention I'm feeling down or something, I don't do it for attention, I do it at a warning. I get really hateful, and I want people to know so they don't get upset with me.

     Growing up in a family were anxiety and depression were just things you had to get over and put up with probably was the best thing for me. If I hadn't grown up like that, who knows how much worse I would be. I actually forgotten I had anxiety for the longest time because the way I was raised. Thinking back on it now though, I almost wished I was on medicine, maybe thing I would have had a better education. When it came to presentation or any kind of social grading, I took a zero rather than putting up with the humiliation.  

Nights I Close

     This will be a late post. I apologize because I guess I knew ahead of time it would be late, but I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I closed tonight, and I guess now that I think about it, it's been a while since I have closed. I can't remember if I have or not since I have started this blog. I will try to say something before I close, so hopefully this doesn't happen again.

     Some nights I wont get out as late where others will be even later. If I know or feel like it will be a fairly late night, I will try my best to get a post already typed up and ready to be published for when I get home. Also I plan on hopefully finding something short and sweet to post for the nights I'm to wore out from work, or it's just simply to late to type a post up had I forgotten to type it up before work.

     I set here now, listening to my music with my nice Logitech G930 headset. Today was a meh day for me. I woke up feeling a bit irritable. Though as it got closer to work things seemed to have lighted up for me, than I get to work and wouldn't you know, my anxiety it's the best of me. At least I had energy for the  small rush I endured today.

     Now that I am home things seem to be good... for now, I've got a few thoughts that are sticking with me. Not enjoying that to much, but can't let it get the best of me. I think most of it has to do with the fact I feel a bit rushed. I'm leaving for vacation here in a few days, and I don't have a whole lot of time to pack, not to mention all the help my mom will ask for, and the days I work. It also doesn't help the fact this post is now late.

     I may get another post out tonight, I'm pretty tired from work, and I also took a vitamine that is suppose to help relax you. This wasn't the post I have planned posting tonight, but it also slipped my mind I would be closing/ getting home pretty late. Thank you all for the support, it motivates me to continue writing!

Why Keep a Journal?

     About a week ago, I know I shouldn't have, but I did a bit more research into OCD. I already knew I had a mild form of it. Though the more and more I read up on it, I was beginning to think it's a bit worse than I first thought. I originally was thinking I had OCD mixed with social anxiety, mainly because I'm a fairly anti-social person.

     What I was reading was OCD causes people to be less social, mostly do to unwanted thoughts. I was talking to an friend I use to work with about it to see what he thought and all that. Later on in the conversation I ended up asking him if I should keep a journal, in which he said wouldn't hurt. Impatiently waiting for his response though, I had already started jotting compulsions and unwanted thoughts.  

    It didn't take me long to fill a page, but that was to be understood. I just got done looking something up which put a lot on my mind, along with what I was already thinking before hand. I felt compelled to look it up. I don't know why looking up OCD even came to mind, I wasn't worried about it or anything, I just thought, why not look it up. 

    I had looked it up at least once before; a friend of mind told me he had severe OCD. He was the type of person who just makes stuff up to get attention, so I didn't really believe him, and I don't remember if I believed him after I looked it up or not. Now that I refreshed my mind over it, I do see him having it, along with myself. 

    I'm mainly keeping the journal for something the doctor can look over, and hopefully it will help a diagnoses. Normally I wouldn't do that, but I have heard before and quite a bit after I hit twenty that. Some anxiety worsens when someone is in their twenties. It is becoming harder and harder for me to talk to people, even those I already communicate with.

     With a loss of word, I normally find myself speechless to everyday conversations, like "How are you?" or "What did you do today?" Typically I'm short with phrases like those anyways, but I'm even more so now. Instead of answering I often pretend I didn't hear it, or even go as far as making it seem like I'm deaf, and just looking around which I just so happen to look in their direction than gaze off.

     My main worry with this really isn't that I'm having a harder time communicating with people. Obviously I'm doing just fine with it now, but it's the unwanted thoughts I'm worried about... they seem to be getting worse. Going from thoughts of just someone is outside or watching you, they have turned into someone is out to get you, and they are trying to kill you sort of thoughts. 

     I also have a great sense of worry when I drive, I worry about hurting other people, but that's normal, those aren't the thoughts that I feel are unnecessary. The thoughts of someone trying to force me into a wreck are the thoughts that worry me, because I'm overly cautious, I pay attention to one car, were as to everyone on the road, sometimes I switch between cards, but I can't help but feel someone is after me. Though those aren't all of what I think, or feel like I'm being told. 

     It truly does feel like someone is telling me these thoughts. At first I speculated I may be developing schizophrenia. One of the things I saw while researching, was OCD is commonly mistaking with schizophrenia from a minority perspective. Other thought I commonly have are I'm unwanted and I don't matter and what not. Some days it is hard to deal with, so I turn to my music to think. I'm hoping to return to my writing here soon, but I feel I'm not good with the creative part of writing. 

     Being told writers should read; me being a writer who doesn't read. I feel now I have to read to be a good writer, and I understand why, but I can't read. I can't stand doing the same thing or feel stuck in one place for time on end. I enjoy reading, but as long as it's longer than a fifteen minute read, I feel to claustrophobic. 

     There is the reason I have decided to to keep a journal. So far, not so good. I feel like even with the journal the doctor may think I'm faking it just due to recent happenings of people thinking I'm faking my "issues". I was put on pretty strong medicine when I was first diagnosed with anxiety, and I'm still on strong medicine to this day, but a different one. It's not like I can taking anything weaker, because it doesn't have any effects on me. While I was taking my medicine a few weeks ago, I still felt very anti-social which worries me.  I'm hoping that the thoughts die down while I'm on the medicine, if not than I may need to try something stronger, which I really don't want. 

     Hopefully everyone enjoyed the nicer weather today! I didn't, I enjoyed a nice day playing video games with the friend that came over. Though I did get a few more pictures for Opachii's Photography. Can't wait to start posting in that blog again!

Things That Help Me

     There really isn't a whole lot that helps me control my anxiety, I just hide the fact I'm suffering from it. Perhaps me hiding it is what causing my headaches, because I'm bottling everything up, who knows? The reason why I keep my anxious moments to myself is because I don't like feeling weak. If I'm going though something I don't often like to ask for help, to me that is admitting that I'm not strong enough to to deal with my own stuff.

     The reason I don't like feeling weak is because I love helping people. I feel like if I need help than I'm not capable of helping those in need. I don't know why but that is just how I am. Me feeling helpless is one of the hardest things for me to control. I can't stand not being able to help. One person is enough to make a huge difference, often times I feel my help is enough to make the difference, it's a bit of a delusion I believe, but it's my motive to help. 

     Working helps me a LOT. Ever since I had that problem at work though, not only do I feel helpless, but I also feel like everyone there is out to get me now. I used work as an escape, and now I can't. I still like working there, it's just I can't control my anxiety like I use to, and there isn't anything to change that now. I like keeping busy in general, so I often try to find outside work around the house, but I don't have enough plants to care for that will keep me busy enough. 

     Getting called into work meant a lot to me. I was told several times I shouldn't come in if I feel compelled to, but I was able to help. I made a difference by showing up when they were short. I'v been there for a little over a year, so I'm pretty fast as just about job they offer. That allows me to not only hop back and forth between two different stations to helps those in need, but I can also handle depending on the situation, two stations on my own. That can really only happen though when there a few people and we have a small rush. 

     Other things that help my with my anxiety, one would definitely have to be music. I started off listening to country, mostly because that's what my parents listened to all the time. I'm still a big fan of John Denver and Alabama. It wasn't until mid-school I started getting into punk rock, well Green Day. After I was introduced to that magnificent band, that was all I ever listened to. Then I started getting into Linkin Park. My senior year was when I started getting into EDM, I listen to many sub genres of EDM, I don't even know them all, hands up is one though. 

     When I was in a bad mood or going through something, I would always turn to my piano; more so electric keyboard. It aloud me to escape from everything, and even play the music I enjoyed. The first song I learned was 21 Guns by Green Day, I remember learning it because I fell in love with the meaning of the song. 

     I still play the piano off and on, but not as much. It reminds me of bad times that have happened over the past. Learning something new is more of a chore than a joy. A lot of that to could be because I'm trying to hard to learn songs that are still challenging, like Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement by Beethoven or La Campanella from Liszt. 

     Writing use to be my biggest escape, obviously enough for me to right a book while trying to get through my senior year. It isn't very long, but still a lot of it had to do with what all was going on. I started off writing a fan-fiction of all the cartoons I use to watch when I was in third grade. I remember my teacher force me to choose a Rosetta stone card and write a story, I think the length had to be a page or something. 

     I didn't want to do it, I remember telling myself there was no way I could write a page about a red ball, which was the picture I chose. I decided to write about Spongebob and how he had lost a red ball, than it turned into more than just that; remember I was only ten when I wrote this story. The story evolved into an adventure going through all the shows I enjoyed watching at that time. Spongebob still being the main character. He was on a journey to find his lost possession. 

     I'm sure there are more things that have helped me though what little I'v lived, but I can't really think of anything so there may or may not be a second post to this. Anyways I hope everyone enjoyed their days! I was lucky enough to have a friend, that has been away for college, come over to hang out over his spring break. I so happen to be lucky enough to also get today off for work so everything worked out there! Until tomorrow, which I think if I'm brave enough I will go over a list of my fears and phobias.  

Weekly Update: Week 3

     I think I'm going to change up my Sunday posts a bit. I was getting tedious writing down ideas only to reveal them on Sundays. I have more fun typing a post no one know's what it's about, rather than writing a post that I feel compelled to write even if I don't feel like writing it. From now on Sunday posts will be mostly updates.

     A little unsure of what all I will include in the posts, I'm thinking of doing a weekly recap on what posts I got done within that week. I've also thought of adding recent stories/ events that happen to me. For example I'm taking my medicine again though I'm not sure how long I will be taking it. I know at least tonight so I can actually get some sleep, and I will be taking it while I'm on vacation so I can get sleep there as well. After that I am unsure.

     As of this week my anxiety has been tough to control. It's hard for me to control to begin with, but this week has been harder. There have been a few factors, like at work I feel they are trying to get ride of me, I'm pretty sure it is just a delusion, but there is second guessing it for me. It's hard to tell myself something isn't real or isn't true. An easier way of putting this in perspective is it's almost like that cigarette you need to finish the day.

     You don't really need to but your body keeps telling you that you do. For me I feel like that is what's going on. I feel like I'm being forced out of my job, and there really isn't anything to stop me from thinking that. It sucks because I can think it's not the case, thinking it isn't the problem. I strongly feel like that's what is happening.  Almost like I'm being told from someone else. I often times believe God is speaking to me in such manner. Everything happens for a reason, and God is ominous.

     Anyways before it gets to much later here is a list of the posts I got out this week for those who may have missed one, and would enjoy catching up a bit.

My Pokemon Cards

Bird Vs. Reflection

Busy With WoW

My Morning Friend

My Senior Year, Part 1

3-7-16

It helps to publish this on the right blog -.-

My Pokemon Cards

     Finally, after I don't know how long, it is here now. Not a whole lot to say on this due to the fact the picture kind of speaks for itself. I have been collecting Pokemon cards since I was around six or seven. I didn't actually buy most of these from the stores, many of the cards were found at yard sells. I'm a bit of a cheapskate, even when it comes to things I like.

     I have roughly eight thousand cards now, it would be nice to have a lot more, but you can only find so many good deals. Believe it or not, I will go into more detail about this when I do my Collection post, but collecting/hording is a part of OCD, which a few weeks ago I knew I had some degree of it, but here lately I'v been wondering how bad it actually may be.

     To those who don't know much about Pokemon cards, these are actually sorted by the printed sets, and even sorted from oldest to newest prints. The larger stacks hold all my duplicates, while the many small ones are the sets. I didn't believe how close I was to completing sets until I sorted them out. I'm only missing five cards to a set that is worth a pretty penny. and ten in two other sets that are worth just about the same.

     One thing many don't realize is if you were to buy these in big lots or new from the store, you are more than likely to make, not much, but enough to at least cover the cost of what you bought them for. Depending on the cards even a profit. Sometimes the profit will be wide, sometimes it will be just a few pennies. Honestly it is like that with about any kind of card game, but I don't know anything out of the Pokemon world.

     I was hoping to put them in binders before this post, however I started feeling fairly claustrophobic. Mainly because I was setting on the floor for hours on end trying to sort the cards out by number. I ended where there is a missing set. I started from the top of the picture and the stacks only get larger from there on out.

     Buying new cards from the store, I'm unsure how long they have been doing this because I only recently got back into collecting, but within a pack of new cards, comes a online code for online cards. I have a little over a hundred codes meaning if I wanted to I could say I have closer to nine thousand cards, but that doesn't seem very legit. Also again I feel claustrophobic using/looking at my online cards, because I am limited to how I can sort them,    

     I wont be getting another story posted tonight, I'm a bit wore out from work as we got decently busy tonight. More than likely I will have the rest of my senior year story typed out on the way up to Pennsylvania which I will be leaving the 19th I do believe. That being said the the mystery of that happens next in My Senior Year shall still be held ever so dearly to me until then.

      I may or may not have stories to tell from my mini vacation, if I do than I will either do two posts the story will be later at night, my normal time for posting while the adventure I endure will probably be posted early or I suppose whenever I get time to type something out. I would add more to this post but I got sidetracked and now I don't remember what I was going to say. All I can think about right now is trying to draw something... 

Bird Vs. Reflection

     Here is the bird that thinks I need to be up at eight in the morning -.-. I believe the bird is after it's reflection. I was reading up that around this time of year, male birds get territorial. Hopefully everyone else finds this as funny as I did when the bird first started. Three days is long enough, not to mention now I have to clean my window, but I can't until I know the bird finally calls it defeat, otherwise I would be cleaning my window everyday.



     There should be another post out tonight, I'm unsure is it will be a late post or not, I lost track of what day it was and kept thinking it was Friday yesterday, so I may go ahead and continue my series. The cards and wait until tomorrow. I have an idea for another series, not sure what I will call it yet, but it will be a bit of a longer one than "My Senior Year". I will be getting off work at ten, so stay tuned. I'm hoping to get another post out tonight, but I'm guessing it will be a bit of a late one, so until then!

Busy With World of Warcraft

     As I mentioned in my last post,  My Morning Friend, it's been a while since I have actually played World of Warcraft. I just got tired of it, and all the friends I played with stopped playing, so that just left me to farm items all the time. I don't enjoy meeting new people in the game, meaning I wont just do things like play versus player with a random person.

     I had also mentioned in my post Blogoholic what I had recently been doing in World of Warcraft. Basically I've been going around finding new gold making methods, which I haven't really spent a decent amount of time in any given location. More so just testing to see if loot is valuable, is so than how fast do the mobs spawn and so on.

     I only have enough screenshots for a little over sixty posts, which is good. If I ever get around to typing them up then I should be able to set the posts up to publish automatically. I'm hoping all is well for that so I can practically manage two blogs at once. Typically Once I start a new blog the others are just left to rot, and I will only update them every so often. I'm thinking of doing a post a day, mainly because I'm thinking of trying that with this blog as well.

     I'm getting enough ideas for posts that I should be able to just set down one day and type up a few weeks worth of posts, however, I'm sure there will be posts I delay to type one out for that day. I can't predict what the future holds for me. I'm sure there will be events happening along the way I would rather post than what was planned for that day.

     Anyways I enjoy making guides for World of Warcraft so much that I will probably be spending most of my day on the silly game. Not only are they guides, but they are guides no one else has covered, which is really nice. For me to find that many locations in the game as fast as I did, it's pretty inspiring for me nonetheless.

     The main reason I wanted to go over this post was because I look at things differently than other people, that is how I was able to find that many locations as fast as I did. I believe it has something to do with my anxiety of course. I can take a single item that can be crafted into several different things, and I will take my time, with a lot of patients and see is there is any profit to be had.

     Aside from being caught up in my game, I also got my cards all sorted, it took me a while, but I finally got them done, well... mostly anyways. They still need to bet put in binders, but that shouldn't take to long. I expect to have my Pokemon card collection post out tomorrow hopefully. As the second part to my senior year, I'm unsure at the moment. The thought of having a post over the same thing every week on the same day seems like a cool idea to me, and the only topic I can think of to do something like that is a weekly update.

     The bird from My Morning Friend ended up returning again this morning. It kept trying to get in my window since eight in the morning to I'd say around five this afternoon. I set my camera up to record it, though it seems to be a bit camera shy. Hopefully I got a small clip of the bird running into my window, but I haven't looked to see yet. 

My Morning Friend

     I wont have time to type part two of "My Senior Year" due to internet problems. I am currently unable to use my old internet browser so I am using another one that I don't like as much to type this post. I'm also getting around to typing my post for today so that doesn't really help. It took me nearly an hour possibly longer to type last nights post and I just don't have the time right now.

     Anyways this morning started off a bit strange for me. I woke up around ten only to try and fall back to sleep because I was oddly tired. I felt a bit faint to be honest, which is weird because I'm not on my medicine anymore, yet that's what it felt like. As I was trying to rest a bit more I heard a thud followed but what sounded like flapping wings. At first I didn't really think much of it, I was tired so all I really wanted to do was rest a bit longer.

     Several minutes pass before I heard it yet again, it happened a couple more times within five minutes. I figured it was my wakeup call at the point. I got up only to hear it again. A little aggravated at this point, I look out my window to see what it was. I had figured it was a bird and wouldn't you know it, it was a bird. I had seen it actually hit the window. What made matters even worse was the bird wasn't just flying into the window, it acted like it wanted in, or maybe it was trying to land on the frame that was inside.

     At this point I was thinking I may have scared it off, or got it to calm down, as I had seen it setting in the tree outside my window. I go on throughout my morning like I do every other morning and check to see what my blogs are up to, and check other notifications for a various amount of social media websites. A good fifteen twenty minutes pass, and I hear the bird again...

     Noises typically irritate me, it's of course a part of my anxiety. I'm trying my hardest and trying to think of everything I can do to prevent the bird from trying what ever it was it was trying. It was a very puzzling experience after all. Finally I decide to close my curtains, because more than likely it just say a reflection in the window, or maybe just didn't even seen the window.

     Being a nice and sunny morning I couldn't do without my morning sunlight, so I open the curtains to the window on the adjacent side my room. Again the bird decided to perch on the tree outside the window it was abusing, and a while later, it goes to the other window that is now open. It only tried whatever once then, this is actually kind of hysterical, it went back to the window with the closed curtains and kept trying to, I'm just going to assume at this point, get in through the window.

     From ten clear up until two-thirty, the time I had to leave for work, the bird kept trying to get in through the window. I doubt it saw anything it wanted because the curtains were closed most of the time. Maybe it was just trying to pester, in which case it did. I had even gotten up a few time to try and scare it off. Nope this little bugger would just stare at me. From time to time a would make a few fast movements to see if maybe I was just being to settle, but nope.

     That was the first time anything like that had happened to me, I've never heard of a bird doing something like that before. Anyways, I hope everyone else's mornings were just as eventful if not at least good. I may or may not be posting again later tonight, this wasn't the post I had in mind to write. I was actually going talk about why I've been busy on World of Warcraft. It's been a while since I have played the game, and a few weeks ago I currently got into it again, but not for it's trademark activities. 


    

My Senior Year Part 1 (The Beginning)

     I'm not sure if the next few posts will be the continuing part or not. Part of me whats to just go ahead and type it all out while I have it mostly fresh on my mind. Another part of me wants to build the suspense and give my readers a little bit more than just a post a day to look forward to. As devastating of a year it was for me, it is a story I oddly enough can't wait to share. I think part of my wants people to realize just how much a bottle things up, and hide my true feelings.

     The year started off as a normal year. I woke up early in the morning to set in a building for seven hours, and walk in between periods. This of all years was the year I thought to myself "Okay this is my last year, I want to actually try" and I did, at first anyways. I remember walking into every one of my classes, just ready to learn.

     My favorite class being piano which took place early in the morning. Piano is my life, I love listening to it, and I can't stand not being able to play it. When I'm down or had a bad day at school, it was my go to thing. Many didn't know how well I played, I still don't consider myself very good, but what happened after the day of that class was just completely awe-inspiring. It made my day.

     In that classroom there is a piano hidden behind two heavy wooden doors. It was the first day and everyone who was in that class just took the time to catch up. Me not having any friends in that class at the time, decided I would take the time to go play the piano, it was an upright piano, so I wasn't able to put headphones in. Normally I would put headphones in, but I love acoustic pianos, so I made an exception in that class. It after all wasn't the first time I took that class.

     I hadn't  paid attention to see if the doors had closed behind me, because the sound of the piano didn't normally carry to far into the classroom. I remember thinking of all the songs I knew how to play, at that time I think I played bits and pieces to a few Coldplay and Linkin Park songs. It had been a while since I had played an acoustic piano, so I was a bit shook up worrying if anyone had heard me. I guess everyone was done catching up in the other room so that had just been quite most of the time. They were listening to me play.

     I walk into the room were everyone else is and the all just start clapping. Of course this was the year I was planning on being a bit more submissive about my playing, mostly because many other students would get nervous on days of recitals after I played. No one wanted to go first and I always wanted to get it done and over with.

     After that day, things just got better. I loved the classes I was taking, not only challenging but also fun. I really enjoyed being in piano class though. It was the first year when someone who was better than me liked listening to me play. Not only was she good at playing the piano she was also very winsome. I had never really talked to a girl before, so it was an interesting experience for me... I remember one day she told me to just play.

     A few weeks pass and something just feels off, like nothing was real. I had never been so happy to be in school. I felt for the first time like people notified me as a person and not a cure for their unfortunate lives. I really only had one friend throughout my school life, everyone else just made fun of me, they didn't like me. Starting off a new year as a new person went so well at first than it all took a turn for the worse.

     He was more of an acquaintance than a friend, but now I consider him a friend. This person had been the biggest bully throughout my school career, and why I still associated with him was because not only was he a bully but he also came to me for help. It also may have something to do with the fact he and I both played World of Warcraft and I was his gold provider, so he had to be nice to me.

     I don't remember when he first started missing school, because he always seemed to me like the person who skip out a bit, or just not be where he was suppose to be all the time. Weeks had gone by and he would, at first, go to the nurse almost everyday he was at school, at least when I saw him. Of course I thought he was faking it, but then again him and I never really talked so I didn't know what was going on at the time.

     Later in the year he vanished from school all together, and showed up on a few occasions. In the mean time from what I had heard, he was going to the doctors because he was having really bad migraines. I think he was put on medicines in which wouldn't work, missing even more school, and more doctor visits. It was a dark and gloomy day for me and his friends when we found out what was going on. I was there with him as much as I could be, and helped him every step of the way.


     I'm awful I know, this post is already fairly long and I figured instead of starting were I originally wanted, I would start at the beginning of the year and show that it wasn't all that bad of a year. I suppose I also wanted to introduce a bit of moment of despair sort of tone. Everything is all peachy and well, then all of a sudden not anymore. Hopefully everyone enjoy the nice weather we had today! I know I sure did. Even though I was to tired to be out and about after work today. 

3-7-16

     I have decided to keep a journal of my thoughts. I believe have really bad OCD, in which only continues to get worse. I'm not a fan of medicine but working where I am now is becoming harder and harder, and I'm having more difficulties with talking to people... I just want to be isolated. I may do a post of what I write down everyday, I'm unsure yet. I still am a bit uncomfortable with posting what I wrote today, but I feel like I need to.

1:03 A.M.
feel the need to ask someone about my anxiety to see how noticeable and or bad it is to the public

feel compelled to talk to someone to see if they think I have OCD and explain to them how symptoms add up

feel like someone is watching me through the window

fear of not getting to sleep or being to tired to do anything tomorrow

feel like a demonic wolf or beast is peering through my window

feel the present of a demon within my room, watching me, waiting for my to turn my back

contently checking phone

worrying people don't believe I have anxiety

worrying about being on medicine because it changes my personality

1:42 A.M.
Fear of going to sleep and being woke up from a bad dream

constantly checking the time

feel like I need to watch something in order to go to sleep

feel like I just watched these episodes, feel like I'm going crazy

still feeling someone or something is outside my window

worried my anxiety is worse than I thought

worried the doctor or people I show will think I'm making these entries up

worried of what others will think while jotting my thoughts down, don't want someone to ask, I can't lie

worried about oversleeping

2:05 A.M.
Right ear ringing, someone is talking bad about me, reciting names to figure out who

11:45 P.M.
worried someone is using my tooth brush as a cleaning utensil

12:28 P.M.
worried of getting a text from my boss about never coming in again, keeping my phone away from site so I don't check it

car pulled into neighbors driveway, worried if I don't watch them, they will head over here and steal something, trying to stay out of site because they will judge me. While watching them a white can slowly drives by, worried they would take the mail

1:30
Went to town with mom, worried people were staring at me, out to get me, and judging me

nervously rub my hands the rest of the time spent in the store

avoided eye contact, felt like people would get the wrong impression and think I liked them

4:31 P.M.
headed into work, worried I would be told I'm no longer needed

got busy and felt useless as I was preforming slower than normal

felt like customers were staring at me, tried to stay out of site, felt like they would follow me, still trying to stare at me

There was more after this but I'm still getting use to writing things done and normally my thoughts are worse than this. I think knowing that I would right them down changed the way I would think. Once I get use to writing my thoughts down I expect them to get worse once again.

Summer Plans

     I have a good amount of activities planned for this summer. I did plan on doing a separate post over each thing but I felt I wouldn't be able to come up with enough to say for just one project. If I feel like to split this post than I will, and I will more than likely find more things I would be willing to try this summer as well.

     One of the things I planned for this summer I had mentioned in my article Backpacking. For those who haven't read it yet feel free to, but basically I plan on traveling around a bit. By foot is ideal since that is backpacking. Traveling in general though would be just as fun. I had also planned on taking a plentiful amount of pictures for my nature blog, or a new photography blog if I feel the need to be organized about my photos.

     Aside from backpacking however, I also plan on trying to plant a flower bed, and possibly a rose bed. I love plans, if it were up to me the whole yard would be nothing but flowers and trees, but my parents aren't to keen on that idea for some reason. Part of the reason I want to plan beds is so I have more plants to turn into stars. I would be able to take pictures daily and upload them on my photography blog Opachii's Photography. More than likely if this happened I would create separate blogs for different types of flowers to stay organized... I hate feeling the need to be so organized but it bothers me if I'm not.

     Along side the flower and rose bed, why not try an orchard? I want to plant a forest but my parents of course don't like the idea of that and frankly there just isn't enough yard left to do so. I rather enjoy tending to nature. I can help it thrive without the worry of offending someone or being judged. I plan on planting something around twelve to fifteen trees, all depends on how much space I have left over from the beeboxes.

     The last thing I have in mind for this summer at the moment is bees. I'm hoping to become a bee keeper. Not only would it be a fun experience, but it would also be a smart move. My plants would thrive, and anything that bares fruit should produce much better bushels. One of the reasons I want a rose bed is, because the only way to get rose seeds is if bees pollinate the flower. I would then use the seeds to make starts, and either breed different verities of roses or just sell them the way they are. I'm unsure about rather or not I want to take the time to cross rose breads.

      

Future Posts

     I didn't quiet get the whole day to think of other posts I might want to include in the future, I may have been a bit preoccupied with my game. Unlocked something just last night and wanted the day to gather materials to make a good amount of gold. That wasn't the only thing I'v done today though, I also went through my cards some more. I have most of the sets all singled out, but left the big stacks for later as I know they will take a while to completely sort.
 
     I know I didn't get to all my posts I said I would get to in my last article of future posts, but I'v been thinking I might try to do a post like this once a week, just to have a day to relax while I'm still releasing content. I could also, once I get enough stories and ideas to write about, I should be able to go ahead and type up many of the stories and set the blog to publish my drafts, I may or may not use that option, though it may come in handy from time to time.

     The posts I don't get to in the previous week I will add to the list of posts I plan on doing. There will probably be several repeat titles, but as there are only seven days in a week, and I'm only posting once a day. I can only cover a few of the stories, at least until my list stay small. If I end up getting enough content built up for a month or two I may up the posting to two posts a day, unsure of that though. Anyways here are posts to look forward to within not only the near but far future!

Things That Help: What helps me control my anxiety

Collection: I have more than just a card collection, so I figured I would just talk about collections in general

My Card Collection, Not only my Pokemon cards but other cards I have collected over the years. Some I know what they are, some I have no clue, they were just cheap so why not.

My Senior Year (five parts): What all I dealt with my senior year

Busy With WoW (World of Warcraft): I recently got back into playing the popular MMO, and I done a few cool things

Spring Fever!: Can't wait for the warmer weather -.-

Summer Plans (May be a few parts): I have many things planned for this summer. Rather or not I will do any of them, the mystery remains.

Trip to Pennsylvania: I will be heading to Pennsylvania here in a little under 2 weeks, why not blog about it?

Childish: Just a bit of a rant between "maturity" and "immaturity".

     Posts I got done from last weeks list:

Hands Up

Backpacking

My Other Blogs

Blogoholic!



     

Late Night Thinking

     Spent most of last night thinking of stories I could tell. I don't normally share stories with people. Usually I would just listen to what stories others had to tell. I guess the older I got and the more I listened the less stories of my on I retained. So last night I was thinking back when my social anxiety/ OCD started. It had to of been around second grade. Anyways I remembered stories I could tell, several more in which some may have parts to or back links to old stories.

     Though the pondering came at a bit of a price, my eyes were telling my mind to shut up or it would shoot, and my mind was all like YOLO. I didn't write any of the ideas down yet, I figured I would take a day, more than likely tomorrow and write a list of future stories, that I will post more than likely tomorrow. Still haven't sorted through all my cards. I didn't have a whole lot of time today, and tomorrow I'm not sure how much time I will have. That post will probably be up mid next week no later than late next week I'm hoping.

     Anyways, what got me thinking was I was having problems with Netflix. I typically have Netflix playing in the background while I try to sleep just because I can focus on it more than I focus on thinking about stuff. Well I had forgotten the login information so I was without my fix for the night. I ended up getting tired of being tired so I got up and drew something. I will try to post it though I'm having problems with getting pictures off my phone for some reason. I might be able to add it later on from my phone. It is unfinished at the moment and will probably remain.

     I like it, but for some reason I haven't been able to finish a drawing since I graduated, so two years ago. Personally I like unfinished drawings a bit better than finished ones. Not sure why they are just ab it more appealing to me. I have some finished ones that I really like, even ones with color that I spent hours on but they just are very inspiring to me.

     I'm actually pretty excited to start telling some of my stories. Believe it or not once upon a time I was actually outgoing. Don't get me wrong I was still shy, but when I was around my friends I could care less how I was acting. Some of the stories I may have to skip out on though, I'm unsure because they may cause more problems on my end even though I don't mind sharing others may. I plan on doing a future content post tomorrow night, and Monday I'm unsure but I may talk a bit more about projects I'v been working on and starting to learn. Until tomorrow, I hope everyone has a pleasant rest of the night!

A Big Thanks!

     I know I said I would be doing a post over my Pokemon collection, but it turns out I bit off more than I could chew. I have been sorting all my cards out by sets, there are 68 sets, so sorting through roughly seven thousand, eight thousand cards, that alone took me around ten hours to separate. A few hours ago I recently was able to sort the sets out by when they came out, that didn't take but ten to fifteen minutes, but I started with the first set. I looked and set aside any duplicates, than sorted the cards out by the order they go in for the set. So far each set has taken me about thirty minutes to sort and put into binders. Anyways, I will go more into this whenever I get it done...

      With this blog being started about two weeks ago, I had a blog similar to this one a few years ago. It was something I did while I was going through everything my senior year, though I didn't really mention anything that was going on. All the content dealt mostly with writing exercises, and a few hundred word short stories I wrote to keep me busy, and hope to help with my book "Akio"

      It was last year or maybe the year before, school years are a little confusing because that was how I use to base what happened during that year. That blog started running really slow for some reason, at first, being a new blogger, I though it had something to do with how many posts I had. I think it was around three hundred, so I deleted a lot of them. The blog was still sluggish, so overall I gave up on it, Moved my short stories to Lorekeepers Inn. I never really shared any of my posts on facebook either, I was still new and didn't quite like other people reading what I wrote. At least people I knew.

     Still it is hard for me to share this kind of stuff on facebook, though ironically facebook seems to be a good source of traffic. People may just be a bit noisy or they could actually care about whats going on, and find some of this stuff quite entertaining, or even helpful. I know I haven't really gone over a whole lot of helpful stuff, but I always felt better knowing that I wasn't alone.

     Rounding the one thousand view mark I believe I will hit it either this Sunday or Monday, which is a big deal! I couldn't have done it with out my loyal readers. They put up with my poorly conducted sentence structure, and still come bad for more! I want to thank each and everyone of you. I know who a few of the readers are, but the mystery of the others is very suspenseful. I often hit the refresh button a few times, when I see a view from facebook I check to see who is on, and try to guess who may be reading my posts. Anyways again thank you everyone for the support, it really helps!   

Again With the Snow

     As much as people think I like snow, I really don't. I'm the type of person after it accumulates once I'm ready for the 70 plus degree weather. Sunny day or not I don't really care. I just like the warm weather, and a lot of that has to do with my claustrophobia. During the winter I typically stay in more, and I don't very much like it, not one bit.

     I was looking at the weather the other day though and it appears the warmth is creeping it's way back. As windy as it has been though, I'm also not a big fan of wind. A lot of that has to do with just about everything I enjoy doing outside requires little to no wind. Some things can still be done while it's windy though not as enjoyable, like fishing on a boat. It's not fun finding a school of fish than a second later your boat is on the other side of the lake, especially if you a fishing a small tournament.

    I do however like telling people who I know hate the snow when there is snow in the forecast. Their reactions are funny, and it's also fun to tease. Watch though half way through summer and there will be people who are ready for winter because it's to hot. Something that I found interesting, my dad was over in Malaysia during their cold season. Well their cold season was just beginning anyways. It was roughly 80 degrees out while the people there were starting to wear coats. I'm not sure if the coats were winter wear as my dad stated or not, but I wasn't there.

     One thing to look forward to after winter this year, it's only a thought as of now, but this year is believed to be a long time coming, one of the best years for moral mushrooms. I know it's a bit of a lost art nowadays, but I am one that enjoys going out and looking for the stealth fungus. Even if I don't eat them, it is still fun. I like the outdoors and if I lived in an area where there were more orchards, vineyards, and berry patches, I would probably spend my whole day outside.

     I will probably be covering my Pokemon collection tomorrow, as it has been one of the biggest things that has helped me. I will be doing a post over how collection in general helps with anxiety, or at least how it helps mine. I spent most of my day today looking for more farming places on World of Warcraft, and sorting out my Pokemon cards once again. I was scheduled to work, but I'm guessing with the weather people didn't want to get out, so we were pretty dead today. I have the whole day off tomorrow as of right now, and I plan on hopefully getting the rest of my cards sorted... I have over seven thousand cards, probably a bit close to eight thousand now. It's a collection started from my childhood.      

Blogoholic!

     Not only am I workoholic but it turns out I'm a bit of a blogholoic too. I guess I just love keeping myself. If I'm not working I normally either think of new blogs I can make, or I try to find content for the blogs I already have. Some blogs it's harder to find interesting post worthy content others not so much. I currently got done with gathering screen shots for one of my guide blogs. Turns out I have enough screenshots to cover well over 60 posts, which is nice and all I just need to find the time to add wording in with the pictures than I'm good to go.

     I currently have 10 blogs only 6 of which I manage, and that still isn't enough! There is so much more I would love to blog about and with as organized of a person as I am, a few blogs simply wont do. Plus it is always nice to keep different groups separate. I don't want a Terraria fan based community interfering with my World of Warcraft fan based community, it allows other people to feel a bit more comfortable and welcomed.

     Anyways not only do I have 10 blogs to my name, I also have few ideas for other blogs... just a few -.-. I have written down because only God would remember them if I don't write them down. I have thought about doing a movie review channel. I'm not sure if I will be doing one or not because the only thing I really ever watch is Family Guy, every now and then American Dad or Futurama. My idea behind the blog was I can't seem to watch a movie all the way through without criticizing it at some point. I would have gone over the parts that I enjoyed and gave input in what I thought would have made parts I didn't like better. A writing exercise for me nonetheless.

     A steam game review once crossed my mind as I don't really like playing games because they are games, I am fairly picky with what I choose to stare at, I like a lot of creativity in the games I play. A good story more than anything. There are a decent amount of games within the steam library that are under five dollars and I figured "Why not review these games to help others find games they may enjoy" Rather or not it will happen I'm not sure. To be honest I'm not much of a gamer.

     This one I'm still pondering over. It is something I would really like to do and my brother has opt to help me with some of the content, though it isn't something I would like to just through together and call it good. I'm very much so into EDM, electronic dance music, I found a demo version of the studio many of the well known DJ's and artists use. Though limited to a various amount of sounds, it is still enough I should be able to come up with my own music which would be cool to be known as DJ Opachii, but that is only a dream as of today.

     Now I have mentioned before that I own a nature photography blog, Opachii's Photography. Though one thing that crossed my mind one day while seeing an adult coloring book on my grandmothers table. Why not turn some of my photo's into coloring pages? This is something I do plan on doing though I have only found one way of turning my photo's into coloring pages and I'm not to fond of the way they turn out. I may draw them and try to get a bit more of a cartoon style, but as of now I just need to find a better way to transform them.

     Okay so I think a bit to much sometimes... all the time perhaps. Since I haven't been writing, why let my ideas go to waste? I would definitally have to be careful about this and not give to much detail, but I would simply turn some of the ideas I'v jotted down into prompts. I don't really have enough written down, key word written. I can be a bit forgetful sometimes, but I don't have enough content to start a blog at the moment though it would really take a day of brain storming and I could have a few hundred prompts.

     This will be one I would do in the future more so when my blogs become a bit more popular due to the fact it would be nothing to the people I help if they aren't getting any views off it. A promotion blog is something I feel a bit compelled to do. Mostly because I know how hard promoting can be. It would be a few promotion site of course, and I'm undecided how I want to find my content for this blog. I could just do it to be nice and help a small youtube channel, or I could take application type things and promote one person a week. Either way I feel it would be fun to do something like this.

     If you struggle with synonyms as much as I do than this might just be a blog you would want to check out. I have a pretty small vocabulary, probably because I don't enjoy reading... a writer who doesn't read, how odd. I have been gathering synonyms I use in my stories to create a word of the day blog. I often find myself with an open tab saying "synonym for" just in case I feel like I should spice up the sentence structure. I normally do it for my blogs too, but this one I feel like I should try to work on it on my own instead of using the interwebz.

     These will end up being separate blogs because of course both communities don't get along all the time, but I plan on doing a card opening blog for not only Pokemon (Yes I still collect Pokemon cards) and Magic to Gathering. Often you will find videos over people opening card pack, how this is entertaining? *Shrug*. I was recently looking up to see if any one else has a blog over such a thing and I didn't find any. I thought that since I don't like talking taking pictures would be a good way to go about doing this.

     As you are aware I'm doing a bit better today, hence the tasteful humor. I'm sure there will be many other blogs I dream to start, I know there was one that I guess I didn't write down. :O I remembered something... I enjoy baking oddly enough so I thought about blogging recipes I make. I would take a picture of the finished product and probably rate how easy or hard it was to make for people just starting off. Hopefully everyone had as wonderful of a day as I did!        

Effects From Severe Anxiety

     Often a panic attack an anxiety attack are used to describe the same thing, yet they are very different. I'v had both and I also get depressed to the point of a mental breakdown. Aside from OCD and Social anxiety I also suffer from something I like to keep from people even myself, MDD Major depression disorder. The thoughts never stop, no matter how happy I may seem. I may in fact need to start taking my medicine once again, because I don't have time to care for myself.

     Work is what usually helps me with my depression because it keeps me busy, but with the problems I have been having more are being adding on. I stay because I'm comfortable there, it's hard for people to understand what I have and why they can't just treat me like a sack of shit, suicidal thoughts never leave my mind which for me is one thing I really don't want to admit to, but hey I'm still here. This post is becoming hard to type but it's just like every other day, I have to power through it.

     When I explain to people why I can't do simple tasks they tell me I ask for petty, and that I want sympathy, or attention. They don't realize how hard it truly is for me to admit that I'm weak. If it things hadn't been pushed to the point to where I had to explain why, I wouldn't mention it. I hate sympathy, it just makes me feel even worse. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and treat me any different than what they were before the point of fining out. Nothing about me has changed other than the knowing of a disorder. If people would just take the time to understand rather than to point fingers maybe my anxiety wouldn't be at this point. It's getting worse everyday, because I am surrounded by people who you rather push me over the edge than to pull me up.

     OCD isn't what many think it is. Yes I am a bit picky at how things are placed, but that alone isn't OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder means you feel like you need to repeat something until it feels right, or reoccurring thoughts that you try ever so hard to get rid of, but you can't. Do you know what it's like to think every day that your closest of friends don't want anything to do with you? My OCD isn't terribly bad but still enough I struggle with it on a daily basis. My biggest problem with OCD would be the unwanted thoughts, some of the things that stick in my mind I don't even know how they came about.

     Social anxiety is exactly what it sounds like. Sometimes it becomes hard for me to look the very few people I trust in the eyes. I'm very quite, and avoid talking to people as much as I can. I remember just a few weeks ago I was at walmart with my my and she wasn't paying attention to the greeter who had asked us how we were doing, I just looked at him and shrugged my shoulders, it was humiliating. On top of that an intense worry of him thinking I was rude overwhelmed me, and by the time I got the courage to answer it would have been awkward to say anything. A lot of times when I do talk to people I trust or feel comfortable talking to I always feel the need to explain myself, even if there isn't anything to explain. I like being in public but I don't like being around people. It's hard to explain but I'm very claustrophobic so any chance I get to get out or away from my normal surroundings I will take it.

     Here lately I'v been struggling with my depression, I feel unwanted, like everyone hates me, like everything is my fault, which when put in perspective at least in my eyes, it really does seem like everything's been my fault. I don't like mentioning to people when I'm struggling like this but most of the time when I do I'm ignored making everything just dandy, not really, but I need some sense of humor embedded withing these articles. It looks like I pulled through this breakdown or panic attack or what ever you want to call it, I just hate being in that state of mind.

     Severe Anxiety typically comes with depression, the way these two disorders effect me I guess depends on the day. Here lately my insomnia has been pretty bad, I can go to bed at 10-11 but wont actually get to sleep until 4-5 in the morning if I even get to sleep. When I do fall asleep I often have night terrors, I use to wake up, not screaming because I have trained myself to be as quite as a rogue. Really though I don't make a lot of noise even when walked, I am often told I need a bell, I don't want to be noticed.

     Aside from having problems with sleeping, I also often fear someone is out to get me or is watching my every move. I become irritable and tend to overreacted to meaningless situations. If more of those I am around would understand this is out of my control. Than maybe I wouldn't get in as depressed of a state as I get in, and they could help reassure me and pick me up when I'm in this state. It isn't hard to do just don't provoke me to think you are out to get me or that I'm unwanted. The same day I was told be the manager I needed to answer the phone she had also said that I was unless filling in for people who knew how to. Funny thing is not many people there have as bad of anxiety as I do and can answer the phone. One person isn't that big of a difference plus I have a valid reason for why I can't.

     I know this post may seem a bit unorganized but I have a difficult time keeping a straight thought.