Fighting for Reassurance

     One of the toughest things for me when I'm fighting depression is trying to reassure myself. When I get thoughts of worthlessness, reassurance only makes things worse for me. It's hard, I'm told by people that I just need to deal with it. I do, I'm trying my damned near hardest to overcome my thoughts and doubts. I don't know why being reassured only worsens it.

     What makes it even worse though is when others try to reassure me. I don't want attention, I've dealt with this before and just being alone is the best thing for me. My parents I guess know somethings wrong, because they have been asking me if I'm alright out of the blue. Going the past week or so being short with words, I guess they caught on.

     The thing of it all is when I'm depressed it effects everyone I'm around, only making things that much worse, because they don't know or understand why I'm acting the way I am. I snap at people for no to little reasoning, I'm short with those who are trying to be nice to me. I'm just hateful when I get like this. I feel bad, I don't mean to be, but I can't help it.

     I can't reassure myself. Like tonight we ran out of an ingredient. Normally I unload the truck, so I know if there is something missing or not. With my mood the way it's been, I didn't really take note to what was missing or what we were short on. I feel like it's my fault for it, because it wasn't something we could really get by without.

    Setting here, trying to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, only makes things worse, but I can't help but to at least TRY and relieve myself from the guilt. Making things worse the manager I was having problems with, is the manager I told. That made me feel like it was only that more of a responsibility for me to pay attention to what we got. No one else knows what we get on the truck except for what they see restock, and when something is short when it's needed.

     People don't know how to "help" people with depression or severe anxiety, because it effects everyone uniquely. That and people who gernerally feel the need to help others make things worse. All they want to do is help, but most of the time all that really happens (for me anyways) it just makes things harder. All I can think of is being alone so I don't cause anyone anymore pain.

     I constantly feel like I'm bothersome, and a waste of air when I'm around people, and that the would be better off, or happier without me around. Judgment usually comes to mind when people find out I'm "messed up" because I don't show self harm. I over work myself, I push myself to hard, I want to be the best I can at everything, even if a task is harming me. I pretended I'm going just fine when really I'm not.

     My biggest self harm is something the isn't noticeable until it's almost to late, depending on the situation. I'm underweight, I don't eat, a lot of it is due to depression, but I use it as a self harm. When I get depressed I feel like I eat to much, so I need to cut back otherwise I will gain weight I really don't want. I've gone a few days without eating before because I often feel like I'm to worthless to even eat.

     One thing many don't know is I'm trying, I truly am. To them; in their eyes, I'm not trying. I'm just using my anxiety/ depression as an excuse. I look at people who use such disorders as an excuse poorly, not to be mean, but because I try my hardest at everything. I force myself to work when I'm sick, which really only makes me sicker. No matter the mood I'm in I will force myself to work. When I mention I'm feeling down or something, I don't do it for attention, I do it at a warning. I get really hateful, and I want people to know so they don't get upset with me.

     Growing up in a family were anxiety and depression were just things you had to get over and put up with probably was the best thing for me. If I hadn't grown up like that, who knows how much worse I would be. I actually forgotten I had anxiety for the longest time because the way I was raised. Thinking back on it now though, I almost wished I was on medicine, maybe thing I would have had a better education. When it came to presentation or any kind of social grading, I took a zero rather than putting up with the humiliation.  

Why Keep a Journal?

     About a week ago, I know I shouldn't have, but I did a bit more research into OCD. I already knew I had a mild form of it. Though the more and more I read up on it, I was beginning to think it's a bit worse than I first thought. I originally was thinking I had OCD mixed with social anxiety, mainly because I'm a fairly anti-social person.

     What I was reading was OCD causes people to be less social, mostly do to unwanted thoughts. I was talking to an friend I use to work with about it to see what he thought and all that. Later on in the conversation I ended up asking him if I should keep a journal, in which he said wouldn't hurt. Impatiently waiting for his response though, I had already started jotting compulsions and unwanted thoughts.  

    It didn't take me long to fill a page, but that was to be understood. I just got done looking something up which put a lot on my mind, along with what I was already thinking before hand. I felt compelled to look it up. I don't know why looking up OCD even came to mind, I wasn't worried about it or anything, I just thought, why not look it up. 

    I had looked it up at least once before; a friend of mind told me he had severe OCD. He was the type of person who just makes stuff up to get attention, so I didn't really believe him, and I don't remember if I believed him after I looked it up or not. Now that I refreshed my mind over it, I do see him having it, along with myself. 

    I'm mainly keeping the journal for something the doctor can look over, and hopefully it will help a diagnoses. Normally I wouldn't do that, but I have heard before and quite a bit after I hit twenty that. Some anxiety worsens when someone is in their twenties. It is becoming harder and harder for me to talk to people, even those I already communicate with.

     With a loss of word, I normally find myself speechless to everyday conversations, like "How are you?" or "What did you do today?" Typically I'm short with phrases like those anyways, but I'm even more so now. Instead of answering I often pretend I didn't hear it, or even go as far as making it seem like I'm deaf, and just looking around which I just so happen to look in their direction than gaze off.

     My main worry with this really isn't that I'm having a harder time communicating with people. Obviously I'm doing just fine with it now, but it's the unwanted thoughts I'm worried about... they seem to be getting worse. Going from thoughts of just someone is outside or watching you, they have turned into someone is out to get you, and they are trying to kill you sort of thoughts. 

     I also have a great sense of worry when I drive, I worry about hurting other people, but that's normal, those aren't the thoughts that I feel are unnecessary. The thoughts of someone trying to force me into a wreck are the thoughts that worry me, because I'm overly cautious, I pay attention to one car, were as to everyone on the road, sometimes I switch between cards, but I can't help but feel someone is after me. Though those aren't all of what I think, or feel like I'm being told. 

     It truly does feel like someone is telling me these thoughts. At first I speculated I may be developing schizophrenia. One of the things I saw while researching, was OCD is commonly mistaking with schizophrenia from a minority perspective. Other thought I commonly have are I'm unwanted and I don't matter and what not. Some days it is hard to deal with, so I turn to my music to think. I'm hoping to return to my writing here soon, but I feel I'm not good with the creative part of writing. 

     Being told writers should read; me being a writer who doesn't read. I feel now I have to read to be a good writer, and I understand why, but I can't read. I can't stand doing the same thing or feel stuck in one place for time on end. I enjoy reading, but as long as it's longer than a fifteen minute read, I feel to claustrophobic. 

     There is the reason I have decided to to keep a journal. So far, not so good. I feel like even with the journal the doctor may think I'm faking it just due to recent happenings of people thinking I'm faking my "issues". I was put on pretty strong medicine when I was first diagnosed with anxiety, and I'm still on strong medicine to this day, but a different one. It's not like I can taking anything weaker, because it doesn't have any effects on me. While I was taking my medicine a few weeks ago, I still felt very anti-social which worries me.  I'm hoping that the thoughts die down while I'm on the medicine, if not than I may need to try something stronger, which I really don't want. 

     Hopefully everyone enjoyed the nicer weather today! I didn't, I enjoyed a nice day playing video games with the friend that came over. Though I did get a few more pictures for Opachii's Photography. Can't wait to start posting in that blog again!

Late Night Thinking

     Spent most of last night thinking of stories I could tell. I don't normally share stories with people. Usually I would just listen to what stories others had to tell. I guess the older I got and the more I listened the less stories of my on I retained. So last night I was thinking back when my social anxiety/ OCD started. It had to of been around second grade. Anyways I remembered stories I could tell, several more in which some may have parts to or back links to old stories.

     Though the pondering came at a bit of a price, my eyes were telling my mind to shut up or it would shoot, and my mind was all like YOLO. I didn't write any of the ideas down yet, I figured I would take a day, more than likely tomorrow and write a list of future stories, that I will post more than likely tomorrow. Still haven't sorted through all my cards. I didn't have a whole lot of time today, and tomorrow I'm not sure how much time I will have. That post will probably be up mid next week no later than late next week I'm hoping.

     Anyways, what got me thinking was I was having problems with Netflix. I typically have Netflix playing in the background while I try to sleep just because I can focus on it more than I focus on thinking about stuff. Well I had forgotten the login information so I was without my fix for the night. I ended up getting tired of being tired so I got up and drew something. I will try to post it though I'm having problems with getting pictures off my phone for some reason. I might be able to add it later on from my phone. It is unfinished at the moment and will probably remain.

     I like it, but for some reason I haven't been able to finish a drawing since I graduated, so two years ago. Personally I like unfinished drawings a bit better than finished ones. Not sure why they are just ab it more appealing to me. I have some finished ones that I really like, even ones with color that I spent hours on but they just are very inspiring to me.

     I'm actually pretty excited to start telling some of my stories. Believe it or not once upon a time I was actually outgoing. Don't get me wrong I was still shy, but when I was around my friends I could care less how I was acting. Some of the stories I may have to skip out on though, I'm unsure because they may cause more problems on my end even though I don't mind sharing others may. I plan on doing a future content post tomorrow night, and Monday I'm unsure but I may talk a bit more about projects I'v been working on and starting to learn. Until tomorrow, I hope everyone has a pleasant rest of the night!

Effects From Severe Anxiety

     Often a panic attack an anxiety attack are used to describe the same thing, yet they are very different. I'v had both and I also get depressed to the point of a mental breakdown. Aside from OCD and Social anxiety I also suffer from something I like to keep from people even myself, MDD Major depression disorder. The thoughts never stop, no matter how happy I may seem. I may in fact need to start taking my medicine once again, because I don't have time to care for myself.

     Work is what usually helps me with my depression because it keeps me busy, but with the problems I have been having more are being adding on. I stay because I'm comfortable there, it's hard for people to understand what I have and why they can't just treat me like a sack of shit, suicidal thoughts never leave my mind which for me is one thing I really don't want to admit to, but hey I'm still here. This post is becoming hard to type but it's just like every other day, I have to power through it.

     When I explain to people why I can't do simple tasks they tell me I ask for petty, and that I want sympathy, or attention. They don't realize how hard it truly is for me to admit that I'm weak. If it things hadn't been pushed to the point to where I had to explain why, I wouldn't mention it. I hate sympathy, it just makes me feel even worse. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and treat me any different than what they were before the point of fining out. Nothing about me has changed other than the knowing of a disorder. If people would just take the time to understand rather than to point fingers maybe my anxiety wouldn't be at this point. It's getting worse everyday, because I am surrounded by people who you rather push me over the edge than to pull me up.

     OCD isn't what many think it is. Yes I am a bit picky at how things are placed, but that alone isn't OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder means you feel like you need to repeat something until it feels right, or reoccurring thoughts that you try ever so hard to get rid of, but you can't. Do you know what it's like to think every day that your closest of friends don't want anything to do with you? My OCD isn't terribly bad but still enough I struggle with it on a daily basis. My biggest problem with OCD would be the unwanted thoughts, some of the things that stick in my mind I don't even know how they came about.

     Social anxiety is exactly what it sounds like. Sometimes it becomes hard for me to look the very few people I trust in the eyes. I'm very quite, and avoid talking to people as much as I can. I remember just a few weeks ago I was at walmart with my my and she wasn't paying attention to the greeter who had asked us how we were doing, I just looked at him and shrugged my shoulders, it was humiliating. On top of that an intense worry of him thinking I was rude overwhelmed me, and by the time I got the courage to answer it would have been awkward to say anything. A lot of times when I do talk to people I trust or feel comfortable talking to I always feel the need to explain myself, even if there isn't anything to explain. I like being in public but I don't like being around people. It's hard to explain but I'm very claustrophobic so any chance I get to get out or away from my normal surroundings I will take it.

     Here lately I'v been struggling with my depression, I feel unwanted, like everyone hates me, like everything is my fault, which when put in perspective at least in my eyes, it really does seem like everything's been my fault. I don't like mentioning to people when I'm struggling like this but most of the time when I do I'm ignored making everything just dandy, not really, but I need some sense of humor embedded withing these articles. It looks like I pulled through this breakdown or panic attack or what ever you want to call it, I just hate being in that state of mind.

     Severe Anxiety typically comes with depression, the way these two disorders effect me I guess depends on the day. Here lately my insomnia has been pretty bad, I can go to bed at 10-11 but wont actually get to sleep until 4-5 in the morning if I even get to sleep. When I do fall asleep I often have night terrors, I use to wake up, not screaming because I have trained myself to be as quite as a rogue. Really though I don't make a lot of noise even when walked, I am often told I need a bell, I don't want to be noticed.

     Aside from having problems with sleeping, I also often fear someone is out to get me or is watching my every move. I become irritable and tend to overreacted to meaningless situations. If more of those I am around would understand this is out of my control. Than maybe I wouldn't get in as depressed of a state as I get in, and they could help reassure me and pick me up when I'm in this state. It isn't hard to do just don't provoke me to think you are out to get me or that I'm unwanted. The same day I was told be the manager I needed to answer the phone she had also said that I was unless filling in for people who knew how to. Funny thing is not many people there have as bad of anxiety as I do and can answer the phone. One person isn't that big of a difference plus I have a valid reason for why I can't.

     I know this post may seem a bit unorganized but I have a difficult time keeping a straight thought.