My Senior Year Part 3 (Thankful for Giving)

     In the midst of everything with my friend whom had a tumor. That unfortunately wasn't the end of the suffering, not only for my friends, but also me. These two events had a huge impact on me, Helping my first friend through hard times, it made it even harder on me when I got the news I did, setting at the table for the family get together, forty minutes away.

     This story I assume will be fairly short, but it will make it easier hopefully to follow when I have the full story in sections, that way I can refer to different friends in a post to keep their names out of it. This story is very sketchy me, I remember most of what happened afterwards more than I do before hand.

     My oldest brother; step brother came down for Thanksgiving, it had been a while since he was able to make it to one of our family gatherings, so I was glad he was able to make it that year. He rode up with us, being ornery as usual, making the dull ride a but more enjoyable, though I was listening to music anyways. I know him enough to know if he is trying to be funny or not.

     We get into the building our dinner is hosted at by relatives, if you saw my uncle you would understand where my oldest brother got the ornery eye from. Ritually, my family brought in the food we prepaid for the dinner, Greeted what few family members were there at the time, helped with the finishing touches, and welcomed member pulling in. Being nice we waited for a few last minute arrivals and said our grace, then everyone waited for the first person to start collecting their plate.

     One I get mine, with the small amount of food I consume, I set at the tables with my family, a little nervous to eat. I don't like eating in public, so I avoid it when I can, but this wasn't an occasion I could avoid. I get a text, at first I just kind of ignored it, because I was trying to be polite and wait until I finished my food at least. Hoping to make it through the whole "socializing", I didn't. I can't remember if I got another text or if worry crept upon me. Being Thanksgiving, I passed the text off as a "Happy Thanksgiving" from my friends as I had just wished it to those among my contact list.

     I figure it would be best to check my phone, I do believe I had just finished eating, and it read along the lines something like "my dad past" or "didn't make it". By then I just stared at my phone, I spaced out. Everything just felt like a dream, I kept reading the text to makes sure I was reading it right. My mind was playing tricks on me, I normally miss read, switch a word for another, or misinterpret what I read. This wasn't the case, I showed it to my mom getting a bit emotional.  I didn't know what to think.

     How could a day that's suppose to bring people together, and show their thankfulness for what they have, bring such devastation. Don't take anything for granite, you don't hear that enough these days. Now I didn't know this friends father all to well, we recently became friends and I had seen once or twice, and heard him through my headphones when gaming with this friend.

     I didn't even get a chance to get desert, my parents gathered my siblings and off we went. Trying to hold my tears back, I text the friend I shared with the friend from my last story My Senior Year Part 2. I told him what happened and asked him to pray, at the time he was Christian, and fairly kind. He ended up reply Okay, so I knew he didn't care what had happened. I'm sure a lot of you would think he did, but he didn't, I know him well enough to know when he cares of something.

     And so is the beginning of my next part to this story. The friend of who "was" a christian was actually one of my best friends. He had gotten my into anime more than I once was, and started me on a path I really enjoyed and plan to explore again. Anime brought more than just something to do for me, it helped me discover my creative side. I was creative to begin with, but I only wanted to become more creative, I really enjoyed the style of drawing choose for Anime. 

Things That Help Me

     There really isn't a whole lot that helps me control my anxiety, I just hide the fact I'm suffering from it. Perhaps me hiding it is what causing my headaches, because I'm bottling everything up, who knows? The reason why I keep my anxious moments to myself is because I don't like feeling weak. If I'm going though something I don't often like to ask for help, to me that is admitting that I'm not strong enough to to deal with my own stuff.

     The reason I don't like feeling weak is because I love helping people. I feel like if I need help than I'm not capable of helping those in need. I don't know why but that is just how I am. Me feeling helpless is one of the hardest things for me to control. I can't stand not being able to help. One person is enough to make a huge difference, often times I feel my help is enough to make the difference, it's a bit of a delusion I believe, but it's my motive to help. 

     Working helps me a LOT. Ever since I had that problem at work though, not only do I feel helpless, but I also feel like everyone there is out to get me now. I used work as an escape, and now I can't. I still like working there, it's just I can't control my anxiety like I use to, and there isn't anything to change that now. I like keeping busy in general, so I often try to find outside work around the house, but I don't have enough plants to care for that will keep me busy enough. 

     Getting called into work meant a lot to me. I was told several times I shouldn't come in if I feel compelled to, but I was able to help. I made a difference by showing up when they were short. I'v been there for a little over a year, so I'm pretty fast as just about job they offer. That allows me to not only hop back and forth between two different stations to helps those in need, but I can also handle depending on the situation, two stations on my own. That can really only happen though when there a few people and we have a small rush. 

     Other things that help my with my anxiety, one would definitely have to be music. I started off listening to country, mostly because that's what my parents listened to all the time. I'm still a big fan of John Denver and Alabama. It wasn't until mid-school I started getting into punk rock, well Green Day. After I was introduced to that magnificent band, that was all I ever listened to. Then I started getting into Linkin Park. My senior year was when I started getting into EDM, I listen to many sub genres of EDM, I don't even know them all, hands up is one though. 

     When I was in a bad mood or going through something, I would always turn to my piano; more so electric keyboard. It aloud me to escape from everything, and even play the music I enjoyed. The first song I learned was 21 Guns by Green Day, I remember learning it because I fell in love with the meaning of the song. 

     I still play the piano off and on, but not as much. It reminds me of bad times that have happened over the past. Learning something new is more of a chore than a joy. A lot of that to could be because I'm trying to hard to learn songs that are still challenging, like Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement by Beethoven or La Campanella from Liszt. 

     Writing use to be my biggest escape, obviously enough for me to right a book while trying to get through my senior year. It isn't very long, but still a lot of it had to do with what all was going on. I started off writing a fan-fiction of all the cartoons I use to watch when I was in third grade. I remember my teacher force me to choose a Rosetta stone card and write a story, I think the length had to be a page or something. 

     I didn't want to do it, I remember telling myself there was no way I could write a page about a red ball, which was the picture I chose. I decided to write about Spongebob and how he had lost a red ball, than it turned into more than just that; remember I was only ten when I wrote this story. The story evolved into an adventure going through all the shows I enjoyed watching at that time. Spongebob still being the main character. He was on a journey to find his lost possession. 

     I'm sure there are more things that have helped me though what little I'v lived, but I can't really think of anything so there may or may not be a second post to this. Anyways I hope everyone enjoyed their days! I was lucky enough to have a friend, that has been away for college, come over to hang out over his spring break. I so happen to be lucky enough to also get today off for work so everything worked out there! Until tomorrow, which I think if I'm brave enough I will go over a list of my fears and phobias.  

Late Night Thinking

     Spent most of last night thinking of stories I could tell. I don't normally share stories with people. Usually I would just listen to what stories others had to tell. I guess the older I got and the more I listened the less stories of my on I retained. So last night I was thinking back when my social anxiety/ OCD started. It had to of been around second grade. Anyways I remembered stories I could tell, several more in which some may have parts to or back links to old stories.

     Though the pondering came at a bit of a price, my eyes were telling my mind to shut up or it would shoot, and my mind was all like YOLO. I didn't write any of the ideas down yet, I figured I would take a day, more than likely tomorrow and write a list of future stories, that I will post more than likely tomorrow. Still haven't sorted through all my cards. I didn't have a whole lot of time today, and tomorrow I'm not sure how much time I will have. That post will probably be up mid next week no later than late next week I'm hoping.

     Anyways, what got me thinking was I was having problems with Netflix. I typically have Netflix playing in the background while I try to sleep just because I can focus on it more than I focus on thinking about stuff. Well I had forgotten the login information so I was without my fix for the night. I ended up getting tired of being tired so I got up and drew something. I will try to post it though I'm having problems with getting pictures off my phone for some reason. I might be able to add it later on from my phone. It is unfinished at the moment and will probably remain.

     I like it, but for some reason I haven't been able to finish a drawing since I graduated, so two years ago. Personally I like unfinished drawings a bit better than finished ones. Not sure why they are just ab it more appealing to me. I have some finished ones that I really like, even ones with color that I spent hours on but they just are very inspiring to me.

     I'm actually pretty excited to start telling some of my stories. Believe it or not once upon a time I was actually outgoing. Don't get me wrong I was still shy, but when I was around my friends I could care less how I was acting. Some of the stories I may have to skip out on though, I'm unsure because they may cause more problems on my end even though I don't mind sharing others may. I plan on doing a future content post tomorrow night, and Monday I'm unsure but I may talk a bit more about projects I'v been working on and starting to learn. Until tomorrow, I hope everyone has a pleasant rest of the night!