Picture Saturday: 3

K-391 - Triple Rush

Picture Wednesday: 3

I probably wont keep a strict posting time anymore as it seems I've been getting busy even late at night. Tonight I spent most of my time at youth group which was time well spent!

A Life With Magic

     I know this post is out a bit late, but I was in town with my brother for a while. This isn't quite the story I was wanting to do, but I have my mind set on a screenplay I plan on writing with my brother. This is one of my first stories I wrote though, so it probably isn't that great, though it is popular on my other blog.

 A Life With Magic

“No Lexi, honey. Leave the fish alone. It’s dead.”

            “What do you mean the fish is dead, I just saw it swimming not too long ago.”

            “I know honey, I’m very sorry, but there isn’t much that can be done.  Go get your sister for me please. Uuh, she will be devastated.”

            “Bella” Lexi said sniffling.  Mother wants you. W-why, what’s wrong?”

            With great worry on Bella’s face, she soon heads to her mother.

            “Yes mother, what is it you want, and why is Lexi sad?”

            “Sweetie I’m sorry but I must tell you.  Goldy’s time has come.  Do you want me to take care of it for you and Lexi?”

            “We can do it mother. Thank you though.”

            Lexi, come on we’re going to take Goldy to the river instead of mother.”

            “Okay, give me a few seconds please.”

            “We will be back mother.”

            “Okay, be careful you two.  After all I should be going with the two of you since you are both fairly young, but I trust you.”

            “Thank you, we will be back as soon as we can.”

            “Give me what I came here for!”

            “I am awfully sorry sir, I know not of what you came for.”

            “Don’t play stupid with me!  You know very well what I am looking for.”

            “Again sir, I am sorry but I don’t know what it is you are after.”

            “Look Ma’am, I don’t want any trouble so please let’s not do this the hard way.  Now I suggest you take me to what I am after!”

            As that was said, a shot was fired sounding off into the distance.  Beneath the sound of the misfire, the woman had said “You will never be able to get your hands on my daughters.”  Lexi and Bella are surrounded by the sound of the shot that killed their mother.  Not sure where it came from though they linger their way back to their home.  The criminal had fled the scene as soon as he got the chance.

            “Bella, I give you the honors of placing the fish to its watery grave.”

            As Bella set her hands on the dead fish, she could feel the scales retract.  Then the fish began to splash in Lexi’s hands.  Allow the girls to jump in excitement.

            “Mama, come see this.  Goldy is alive again.”

            As they got closer to their home.  They had realized there were many flashes of blue and red lets, coming from their house.  Watching them load a black body bag into the back of vehicle.  They had decided to stay back out of sight. 

            “That can’t be, we just talked to mother not too long ago.  How could this be?  Why must it be? If only father hadn’t left us not to long ago.  None of this would have started!  All of this would be gone, it would be different.  Wouldn’t it?”

            “Come Bella, we must go before we are caught.”

            “Go where?  This is the only place we have gone and this is the only place to go.  We are on our own now.”

            “I know, but would you rather live together or be separated?  Because children with no parents get separated most of the time.”

            “As the twins mage their rash decision to live with no one to be there for them.  They head back home after all the commotion dies down and everyone leaves.

            “How will we get our food and other supplies we need?”

            “I don’t know yet.”

           

            “Did you get what I asked for?”

            “No sir, I’m afraid I didn’t.’

            “Guards take him to the test site.  We don’t need people who fail me.  At least he can’t screw this job up.”

            “Wh-what, will you do to me sir?”

            “Nothing to painful. I had some new experiments to try.  Why you lucky Ginny pig.”

            “Wa-wait sir.  I will---

            “Mama, here is the fish you asked me for.  Will papa be okay?”

            “I’m going to be just fine.” The father manages to squeeze out as he coughs.

            “Hey, now Grace, leave your father be for now, Okay?”

            Beginning to come down with something. “Oh, it appears I have the same thing your father does. Along with the rest of the village.”

            “Mama, do you know why I am the only one in the village who isn’t ill?”

            “Sorry, everyone is just as puzzled as we are.”

            “I need you to do me a favor though.”

            “What is it I must do?”

            “I have been hearing terrible rumors about you, and I just want to know you are safe so.”

            “What kind of rumors were they?”

            “Well the village think you must be one of those people.”

            “What do you mean by one of “those” people?”

            “The village has been saying you are the reason we are sick with this god awful illness.  I have also heard talk of them wanting to kill you for it.  Hoping it would be the cure to this illness.  I have tried to convince them, you aren’t the one to blame for it, but no one believes me.  I am sorry I have failed you.”

            “Don’t say stuff like that!”

            “I just need to make sure you are safe.  Can you do that for me?  I need you to leave the village and come back in a few weeks.”

            “But… where will I go?”

            “That was the problem your father and I haven’t figured out yet.  I’m just going to leave that decision up to you though.  We figured it would be easier that way.  Just let your father and I know before you leave, if that is alright with you.”

            “I think I will just go out in the forest a little ways from here and set up a campsite.”

            “At you age? You are only five. I think it is just best you head out into the forest.  Just be safe will you?  You are safer surrounded by beasts then inhumanity.”

            “I am basically take care of myself already though.”

            “I guess you do have a point there, with your father being sick and him in need of me I can see how you take care of yourself fairly well.”
            “So, when do you want me to leave?”

            “Whenever it is you are ready.”

            “Okay I think I am ready for this.”

            “I am terribly sorry it had to come to this Grace.  Your father and I love you very much so.  Try not to get lost or into any trouble.”

            “I know, I know.”

            Just as Grace walked into the shadows of the forest.  A stranger to the vicinity, comes tromping to the front door of the largest hut in the village.  The man looked as if he meant business.  All tough looking and the sense of being serious was throughout his personality.  He begins to knock at the door.

            “Hello who is it?”

            “Don’t worry about who I am.  Worry more about what I will do to you if I don’t get what I came here for.  Well I am sorry sir, but I am going to have to ask you to leave.  I don’t know what you are talking about I don’t know who you are, so it appears you have the wrong house.”

            “It doesn’t matter who I am.  I want what I came here for!  If I don’t get it then I must kill the whole village with the disease you all came down with.”

            “You mean you are the one who gave us the illness?”

            “Well I would say it was directly me, but it was my people who did.”

            “W-Why would anyone do such a thing?”

            “That way we could get what I came here for without a problem, but as it seems that won’t be happening.”

            “Sir, you must realize you have to give me some kind of notice with what you want. Before you just come knocking on someone’s door. Forcing them to give you something. They don’t even have a clue what it is.”

            “You obviously don’t know who I work for then.”

            “N-no, I don’t believe so sir.”

            “Then it is best you keep your mouth shut, and give me what I came all this way for.” 

            “I still don’t know what you are talking about sir. But if it satisfies you. I will allow you to look around the village, if that helps you any?”

            “That won’t be necessary.  I will just burn this place into ashes.  After all that is what my real intent was to begin with.  P-please sir, anything but that.  If it is wealth you after. By all means take it! We don’t have much but it is yours for the taking.  I will do my best to give you all I can.”

            “Ha, I’m not here for something, but someone.”

            “W-who are you after?”

“Give me a name and I will go fetch them for you”

“You are too late for that!

            “Sir, please I beg of you. Don’t burn this poor village down.  It’s all we have left.”

            “I don’t care what you have and what you don’t have. You forced me into doing this and I enjoy this part very much so.  All hope is lost for this village.  All I have to do is release this chemical into the air and the illness you have will react to it. It will kill you all instantly.”

            “You mean the illness your boss gave you?”

            “I am my own boss. How dare you believe a person like me would be of all a messenger.  Thankfully I won’t be seeing you scums anymore.”

            “Wait!  If you open that vail, letting the chemical out, won’t it effect you too?”

            “Are you stupid or something?  It will only effect those who have the illness. A reaction occurs.”

            “Then what about the person you have been looking for?  Won’t it kill them too?”

            “Fortunate for me is she is a very different person then you all think.  She isn’t able to get the virus I gave this rotten village

            Before any more could be said he lets the fumes of the chemicals loose.  After that he used the power he holds deep within him setting the village on fire.  Making it look like the masseur was a natural cause.  Just as the leader of the village heard that.  His eyes widened and before the effect of the chemical could reach him he whispered “Grace” as his final breath.  As he knew that was who the mysterious man was after. The smell of flames traveled through the thick forest.  Slowly, creeping up on Grace.

            “What’s that smell?  It smells an awful like, smoke?  I hope the village didn’t get into an uproar.  I don’t care anymore.  They are the reason I am out here in the first place.  I must get close enough to see if it is the village.  If it isn’t then I will have to explain to my parents I thought the village may have been set fire. If it is the village then I have no clue what I will do.  The village would come after me though if I was caught lurking around the outer edge of the forest.  I guess I should stay here. After all they are the reason I won’t be able to save them anyways.  Ha they deserve to die. Blaming me for the illness.  They wouldn’t let me get close to them even if I told them I was there to save them.  Sad to believe they would rather die than to let me same them.  Knowing how they think I’m to blame for their illness.  They must think I’m the one who caused the fire anyhow. Ugh, stupid townspeople.  Why did you all have to go and accuse me of something I wouldn’t do?  Sorry mama and papa. I would save you guys though.  I just can’t save you!  I’m sorry, I just can’t!” Tears begin to race down Grace’s face.

            As the sun falls into the horizon.  Followed by the purplish shadow that is cast.  Grace’s campfire glows on the ground as her eyes begin to tear.  Slowly the tears start into the fire, making a crackling noise.  Grace’s tries to figure out what she is supposed to do.  Now that she has absolutely nowhere to go.  Thinking of solutions that could help solve what she is to do now. She can’t help the feeling deep within her about the fire, was her village.  Due to the smoke coming from directly where the village lays.

Grabbing his head Leo comes in with a terrified scream. “Gah, it’s here, it has already started!  This can’t be happening, not now.  What will we do?  What will we do?!  The corruption, it’s finally here.  What will we do now?  It has found us!”

            “Leo, just calm down.”

            “No old man!  You can’t keep me from my feelings. The corruption has found them.  It has found our heroes.  Now all hope is lost!”

            The old man eyes widen.  “What do you mean they were found?  That’s impossible!  We must let “him” know at once!”

            “But how sir? How will we contact “Him”?  We are quite a ways from the clan.”

                “I know.  That means we only have one choice.”

            “No, wait!  We can’t just abandoned these people.  They need us.”

            “Yes, that may be true, but there won’t be any people needing saved if we allow the chosen ones to be captured.

            “Okay, let’s go.  We must hurry to warn the others.”

            “We have no time to trace the clan and save the kids from the corruption.  We must save the three ourselves.  I know it will be risky, but there just isn’t any time.  Anyways I’m sure the master already knows.  Have you forgotten what he can do already?”

            “Oh yes, that is right. I’m sorry I had forgotten for a brief moment.  I’m just worried is all.”

            “So, you said that Grace, Bella, and Lexi were found correct?  I’m sure anyone would forget about any “one” kind of power in a situation like this.”

            “Huh? I sense someone.”

            “Who is there?  Come out I must warn you I’m the top of my guild.”

           

            “Norio, isn’t it?”

            “Y-Yes, but how do you know me?  No one knows my real name.  I have always been known as Shora in this world.”

            “Ah, really?  Is that really your power?  The only thing you are good at is telling the future.  Ha, this will be much easier than I thought.  If you were so good at telling the future then tell me, how did I get here without you tracing me?”

            Just as that was said the lady and her grandson unleashed vines encasing Norio, dropping him to his knees.

            Laughing the woman says.  “You really think since my nickname means “future”.  That was what my power would be?  No one has been given the ability to do that yet.

Word of the Day: 3

     Sorry I haven't gotten my update out yet again, I was hoping to get to it today, I still might, but I've been fairly tired here lately. I've been doing a lot more outside than I normally do so it's been keeping pretty busy. Anyways today's word is

Inkling- a suspicion or something like a hint.

Picture Saturday: 2

Weekly Update: 7

     Sorry this post is coming out a bit late. I've been pretty busy outside and on top of that my side effects are worsening. I'm becoming more and more faint, and extremely fatigue. Along with that I've been having a hard time trying to get to the doctor to get more medicine or hopefully change medication, they are suppose to help but yet they are making things so much worse for me, so I may have to try my best without medicine. I'm still on it and so far I'm not looking forward to going without medicine now.

Feeling accomplished
Picture Saturday: 1
List of Phobias Part 13
Picture Wednesday: 1
A Night Never Forgotten
Word of the Day
    

Picture Wednesday: 2

Keeping Busy

     Well the last few days I've been pretty busy and I'm hoping to keep it that way. If you saw my "Felling Accomplished" post that you may already know that I've planted some rose bushes. Earlier today, before I went into work I was able to get two more bushes planted leaving two left to plant. Those two are climbing roses however and I have another place in mind to plant them. Hopefully when I get everything set up I can get a picture of them planted. I want them in an area I have surrounded by paver stones.

     It will take a lot more work and cost a bit more money to get the area looking nice, but well worth it in my opinion. Just before I went into work I was able to but two blue birdbaths for this area, and I'm hoping to get bird houses a large variety of flowers, bird feeders, and possible lattice to enclose I little bit, allowing me get another type of climbing plant.

     While I have that planed for this summer, I still have enough room for probably close to ten more roses, if not more. Still thinking about rather or not I want more roses. Along side that I want to work on my orchard, which will probably be more of just trees scattered now. I'm trying to save as much room as I can for more grape vines.

     Just as I wasn't busy enough already, my mom wanted to get more blueberry plants, and strawberries to grow in a raised boxed in area. I was hoping to spend a ton of time outside this summer and it seems I may have gotten my wish. My plans for this summer is to get enough plants that I can spend most of my day outside caring for them every summer. I'm not big on gaming or being on the computer like everyone deems I am.

     Though beehives are still on my mind for this summer, I may go with a different kind of bee instead of the honey bee. This is mostly due to the fact I work a lot and get called in a good amount, and with all these plants, I fear I won't have time to take care of the bees to the extent they need. If I am correct the Mason bee or something like that don't produce honey, but they are one of the best for pollinating, which was the main goal for bees to begin with, the honey would have been a bonus.  

     So far I have spent almost the last three days completely outside which has helped me a bit with my anxiety and depression. Though I would love to get off my medicine and use nature as a therapy, I can't relay on it because of rainy days, or even bad days in general.

     

Word of the Day: 2

     I know I didn't get my Sunday post out, I still plan on doing it, I've just been busy outside the last few days and I'm pretty wore out. When I do decided to do the post. It will only have the links up until the 17th.

Espionage- The practice of spying

Feeling Accomplished!

     Well spent my first day off work after working 10 days in a row to plant a few of my roses took me almost all day, counting the trip to town to get a few bags of soil. All that is left now is to water them. Not only do they need it, but they deserve it... Not a single cut! Well maybe one bit back but no blood.

     Not only did I manage to get this done with my time off, but I also was able to hunt for morel mushrooms today. No luck, on the bright side though I rounded close to thirty more pictures for my nature blog. I'm hoping to start posting in that fairly soon, as I now have probably close to four hundred pictures to share! Just having a difficult time figuring out how I want to share them. I could either post my limited fifty posts a day, or set it up to post a few a day. Either way it is a lot of photos to upload -.-. 

     A few weeks ago I had gotten a new phone, the iPhone 6s. With the phone comes a built in pedometer. I have been trying my best to walk the average amount of steps a day being three to four thousand. Well lets just day I walked enough today to fill in for the past few days I wasn't able to reach that amount. 

     This is only day one of a project that will probably cost me a few paychecks, though well worth it if you asked me. I plan on doing a 10' by 10' square of roses. Once I get that done I plan on doing my orchard which will only be a few trees now instead of however many I was wanting. I used up part of the area for my orchard to do a rose bed. Along side those projects I plan on planting a few more grapevines... now only to figure out where to put my flower bed.    

 

Picture Saturday: 1

Picture Wednesday: 1

      It was hard to pick just one! I don't remember where I took this picture, I believe it was a wild flower I found in a friends yard. This is one of my favorite picture, because it is also one of the best I've taken. I'm still a bit new to photography, but I really enjoy it and it is something that helps a bit with my anxiety!

A Night Never Forgotten

     I'm going to tell the story of why I believe I'm terrified to answer the phone. I'm sure there are more than one and the reason I'm so unsure is because this thought always comes to mind when the phone rings. I'm not sure how much I have mentioned about phone in previous stories, so now is a good time to go over it, possibly again.

     Whenever I was at school and heard the phone ring, I just knew it was about me, I had done something wrong even though I know I didn't. This story I'm about to tell explains why not only am I afraid to talk to someone over the phone but also why I just fear a phones. Land line phones to be exact. I don't answer the home phone unless I know it's my grandma, that's it. I will answer my cellphone on some occasions but most of the time I don't even see my phone ringing; I always have it on silent.

     It was a dark stormy night... Oh wait, wrong story. Once upon a time? No no, that's not it either. Ah this is it! I had to of been roughly seven or eight, maybe younger. It's the only memory I really have around that age. Which is why I believe I was around seven or eight. I remember I little bit of kindergarten, but not much after that up until third grade.

     I remember bits and pieces of my first and second grade years but not enough for a story, at least not yet. I'm hoping to go over bits of my past meaning I should hopefully remember things I've not thought about for year.

     It was my bed time, I was either already in bed or I was getting ready for bed. Sad I can't even remember what I was doing up until this point. It was like watching a movie only I was there. Some may think I'm over thinking this or dwelling on it to much but I'm not. Out of all the memories i have, this is the one I remember like it was just yesterday. It plays a big roll in why I have the anxiety I do. I don't remember seeing my dad talking on the phone or even getting off it. All I know is he was furious. My older sister (step sister) appeared before, and all I hear is yelling. I don't remember where my sister was standing, or anyone except my dad.

     My little brother must of already been in bed and my older brother (step brother) must have been elsewhere because I don't even remember them being in the middle of the dolor situation (hope I used that right). At first I was still trying to understand why my dad was as upset as he was, I still don't know. Next thing I know my dad slams the phone I didn't see still in his hand, on a small wooden shelf type of thing. It was thick wood or strong wood if I remember correctly. It my grandpas and it was given to my mom. I don't know if she got it before or after his passing. All I knew was it was treasured, at least from my understands it was.

     The phone nor the shelf survived, we had to go out and replace the phone the next day or something like that. I was so distraught. I felt like everyone within the room was getting yelled at from that point. I started to cry and I believe that was the point it was final, I had to go to bed. I remember my dad telling my older sister she can either leave or stay. I don't even remember was the conditions were for her to stay if she had chosen that, she didn't. For a kid my age too witness seeing their dad that angry all sorts of thoughts come to mind. I thought I was going to get a spanking just for being there and not in bed like I was suppose to be. I do believe in a well deserved spanking, but not every time you get in the littlest bit of trouble.

     Now that I am older I know of my dad and sisters relation. I had always though my dad acted the way he did because it was just who he was. But now I know the main reason was because my older sister sadly caused our parents a lot of havoc. Though I don't believe my dad actions due to the stress were justified, it's to late. The damage has already been done, and now I need medicine to do actives many other can do with little to no struggle.

Word of the Day: 1

     Today's word is: 

Dolor - it means to be in a state of sorrow or distress. 

     I'm still a little unsure how I'm going to go about these posts, I'm sure after a while it will come to me naturally. I think this will be a fun experiment, and hopefully I remember a few of these words when I write. 

Weekly Update 6

     I finally have time to spare, and get this post all typed up. I did have the day off, but as of right now I'm more than likely going to fill in for my ex... yay me. Throughout the week I dedicated a little time to come up with a posting schedule. So far I like it, but it may have to change until I figure out how well it will work with my work schedule. It is getting closer to summer and we are normally busy that time of year, which means I get called in more often. Hopefully I can stick with this schedule though, at least for a few weeks.

Monday - Word of the day (Still unsure how I will do this I may end up changing it to a music post instead)
Tuesday - Short story (I typically unload the truck in the morning on Tuesdays, giving me time to type something up.)
Wednesday - Picture (I will just post a picture I've taken I have over 800 so I will have enough for a while)
Thursday - Phobia (Once I complete the list of phobias I will go over each one I have and explain a little)
Friday - I don't plan on post on Fridays, though I may change this one to music as well or even a picture
Saturday - Picture
Sunday - Update

     More than likely there will be a few changes, I may add more things to post about because I still have ideas floating around in my head for posting prompts though I'm not sure. Prompts are more for writers than readers. I'm hoping to start a few new blogs though once I get enough content added to this blog. I will be doing a word of the day blog, and possibly a phobia blog as well, not sure on that one. I'm hoping to start talking about home remedies and stuff like that so I may add this to a day I'm posting something like a picture or I may just replace a picture day. If I do end up doing that I will start a blog for sure on just home remedies.

Here is was I post this week:

List of Phobias Part 12

List of Phobias Part 11

Nothing Helps

List of Phobias Part 10

List of Phobias Part 9

My Senior Year Part 5

The Reaper's Touch

List of Phobias Part 8

Nothing Helps

     Listen to this life saving song. It may not be to you but to me it means everything. People look at the music I listen to and think it's obnoxious and annoying, but I don't let them get to me, because it helps me. If it wasn't for this music I probably wouldn't be around anymore. Why songs like these appeal to me more than "normal" music is because people who suffer, just like I do make these songs. They poor everything into what they make. I know it may be hard for people who don't normally listen to this music understand the meaning of these songs, but the point is they help.

     The last few days, probably closer to a week now I've been trying different things I can use to help with my depression. My anxiety really isn't all that bad, or maybe it is worse than I think. It's hard to tell from unwanted thoughts caused by OCD, or just bad thoughts from depression. All I know is one of the two if not both are getting worse.

     I use to go a few days without having to many problems. Yeah I would still get depressed and my OCD would kick in if things weren't where they normally were at work, but that I got use to. I'd have to say the last two or three weeks I've been fighting so hard not to show I'm having troubles. It's getting to the point to where it's hard to hold the tears back. Why am I  upset? I have no clue, I just get so overwhelmed, nothing causes it. It sucks you know? I can't live a normal life, people ridicule those who suffer like I do. All I have to say to others who don't have this dreadful disorder is it's completely out of our control. Trust me if I could live just one day not because depression and anxious I would.

     I've talked to my mom more about it and I was put on Xanax when I was ten, I'm twenty now. It wasn't an everyday pill like the one I'm on now, but still. I was TEN when I was put on medication that doctors don't prescribe to kids at that age. Hell it's not even that common for someone in their twenties to be on the medicine I'm on now. Normally I wouldn't put a name to the medicine I'm on, but I can make an acception   this time.

     What I'm trying now, I know wont work, and it's not because I'm being doubtful. I've tried it before and it hasn't helped. I went to herbal remedies, only instead of looking them up on my own, I went to a local herb shop. The first thing they gave me only worked for nervous feelings. The way I understood it when I was being told what it did, was the vitamin is mean more for generalized anxiety, not OCD. I bought it anyways because at this point I'm willing to try anything to stop me from feeling this way.

     I feel useless so I try my hardest to do the best and be the best, but that's not enough for me. I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I mess everything up and screw relationships between people I care about. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I just mess things up, and make life harder on those around me. The only thing that is helping me stay alive is this music and helping people at this point. A vitamin supplement isn't the only thing I've tried however. I'm also trying lavender oil which it works, but once it wares off I'm a bigger mess than what I was before smelt it. 

My Senior Year Part 5 (Rise of the Furtive Leviathan‎)

     It has been a while since I have gotten around to the next "chapter" to this story. A bit of a recap of what happen previously was a friend ended up getting a cancerous tumor, another one of my friends dad past, and I lost another one of my friends because I believe he was jealous. What I'm about to type, isn't something I'm thrilled to type. It's a part of the story I wished out of everything would have never happened, because I now look at people differently all from one conversation with my parents. I had severe anxiety before this, but my social life was greater than what it was before this event. I have always been to scared to do anything I would regret later on. If I had to pick one thing a regretted the most, would be this. Someone I thought cared about me enough to not harm me or make matters worse, did just the opposite. Now I can't look at anyone without the fear of them turning on me.

     What makes this harder to talk about is if he found out I published something like this, I wouldn't pass it by him to kick me out of the house. He use to show his love throw violence and as I thought that came to an end. This day, it was I believe before or after Christmas, this day however showed me that person was still in him. Only worse, what he did to me had never happened before. I shed tears of worry as I'm not sure what he will do when he reads this if he does.

     I'm not making him out to be the person he isn't, but I'm also not making him out to be someone people see him as. It is your opinion of who you want him to be not mine. He has done me wrong not you. I have learned to live past his mistakes, I'm sure everyone who reads this can too. It isn't your place to tell someone they are in the wrong if the people they've wrong get past the horrid experiences.

    Not many people know this happened, but that is normally the way it goes. If it wasn't for the fact my mom was as horrified as me, things probably would be better. I've not even started the story and it's already really hard to talk about, because it's something I tried to forget and haven't thought about for a while. All I have to say is I was lucky it wasn't any worse.

   
     While I was putting up with everything on my own, I have this thought about homeschooling. I really liked the idea, because I wasn't just fighting for my friends, I was also fighting for myself. Putting up with bullies and problems from the friend I recently lost, school was a place I didn't want to go to anymore. I didn't want to talk to any of the staff members whatsoever. I felt like they were all against me and wanted me to suffer.  My mom says to wait for my dad, then we would discuss it.

     My dad wasn't to keen on the idea. I wasn't even certain if it's what I wanted. I just wanted to throw it out there to see what they thought. I was telling them all the pros of what homeschooling does for those who partake it. My dad would come up with something to counterattack everything I said. All of a sudden he knows EVERYTHING about homeschooling. I've looked it up a few times before this conversation. Probably a few weeks before hand. Even if I wasn't able to attend this, I still enjoyed learning more about it. I love learning and teaching myself new things.

     The discussion turned into an argument? It ended up being if I pay for the process than I would be able to do this. But around the same time I kept repeating myself I will just continue going to school, because I didn't want to argue. I can't be around people yelling, I just can't! And my dad is the reason why. He gets upset over the stupidest of things, and isn't reasonable about how he attends to handle them. Problem with that is... I'm almost just as bad, because that is how I was raised. (I will do more stories about this later on.)

     I don't like being like that and anytime I can avoid getting put in a situation I feel I will be unreasonable I will. For the most part I can control it now, but every now and then I have my moments of weakness.

     I was trying my best to avoid the yelling. I kept saying I'm done I will just go to school. After saying it a few times I then get up. Biggest mistake I've ever made, even though I did nothing wrong! All I did was stood up... my dad launches at me. The look in his eyes, I had never seen it before. Soulless is about the best I can do to describe it. I didn't see the father I knew anymore.

     Not sure what was going to happen from there, I put my hands up near my chest as I swore he was going to beat the shit out of me. Sad thing is, I wasn't the only one there who thought the same thing. Everything just happened so fast. I put my hands up and next thing I know I'm being thrown full force into the couch. I tried to get up, again he through me again when I was about halfway up. That time I hit my neck fairly hard on the wooden support board on the back of the couch. I'm not sure if anyone has accidentally hit one of the boards in a couch, but they are hard. It's almost like lightly hitting yourself with a golf club, which too hurts.

     My mom rushes over begging and pulling my dad to get off me. He still had that look in his eyes. What did I do that was so bad, that he had to not only charge at me, but throw me into the couch? All I did was stood up. Hell I could have been stretching for all he knew, actually I was getting up to get a drink, but still. After everyone was somewhat settled down, and everything was all processed. My dad clams I was going to hit him. One it would have been out of defense, you don't charge at someone that fierce without intending harm.

     I'm not him so it's unclear to me rather or not that was the case. I believe he was using the fact I put my hands up as an accuse to go even further to throw me. I mean It seems legit. I did put my hands up... in a defense stance, but I know my dad and the family line he came from. I didn't at the time but he recently revealed it, well about a year ago. I think my mom saved me from what really would of happened. If you saw my dads eyes, you would probably think the same thing.

     My dads response to throwing me against the couch was he was protecting the rest of the family. I'm sorry but how stupid do you think my mom and I are? I'm the weakest of the five of us in the house. Well my little sister is weaker than me but I'm still pretty weak. I've never thrown a punch, and I've never sought physical actions to solve my problems, clearly my dad has. After the ordeal and my dad was else where I told my mom that if he ever did something like that again I'm calling the cops to protect the rest of my family. He could have told the police what he thought was going to happen, but he charging at me would have been enough for them to see I was defending myself. You don't charge at someone and say you were defending yourself unless they have a ranged weapon and clearly plan on using it on you.

     There for a while I couldn't look at my dad, I couldn't be in the same room as him, I didn't even want to be home if he was. He promised me that what he did would make us closer, in which I agreed even knowing that wasn't true. It's been two years since the incident and I can't look at him the way I did before.

     Before the conversation I had mentioned that I had major trust issues and that I can't trust anyone anymore. I don't remember what brought that up, but my dad was telling me I can't let the friend who deserted me bring me down. He wasn't though, I even told my dad he wasn't why I have trust issues. No one has influenced the perspective of trust for me. Deep down I've known I've always had trust issues. My dad wasn't to thrilled when he found out I can't even trust him... the was reason to why I didn't. all he did was proved it even more. 

The Reaper's Touch

     You can listen to this amazing song while you read this story, I have the playlist I'm listing to linked, but I'm unsure if all the songs will play. I haven't tested it or seen other playlists linked like this.


     When I first started taking my medicine again, I noticed a difference, it was actually helping. Though I may have seemed lifeless, I felt better. But wait... I felt dead, and looked alive before I was taking the medicine, now I look lifeless but I feel more alive? What I mean by looking lifeless is I'm more distant, I'm pale, It takes me longer to grasp whats being asked of me. To me it seems as if my skin is looser, and my bones show more, like I'm a rotting fruit almost.

     My thinking isn't clear, my consciousness is terrible. Sadly that is one of the said effect. I may become less conscious, to the point it's hard to remember the name of a face I know. The other day at work, it had to of been about a week ago now. Someone mentioned my bosses name. It took me a minute to put a face to the name. I don't like to admit that is what the medicine is doing to me, but I can't hide from reality. I have to accept that no matter what medicine I seek, there will be pros and cons.

     Right now I'm trying a vitamin I brought from my local herb shop. Not many people are, or use to be big into herbal remedies, perhaps that's just where I live. The point is though there are people who don't believe herbs work, they are just placebos in a sense. My family didn't really believe stuff like that worked. I get the impression my dad still doesn't believe they work, even though they've worked miracles on people he knows.

     I'm hoping this vitamin will work so I can get off this dreadful anti-depressant. The shopkeeper my mom talked to however said many people who take this see differences within roughly ten minutes. It has been around ten hours since I've taken it, so far nothing. I will continue to take it until I run out. If I don't see any changes by then, I'm not swallowing anymore of my money.

     Many wander why I don't work on easing off the medicine I'm on now, if I'm getting the side effects I am. Well this is the post I was hoping to get to a few days ago. My anxiety; I feel, is getting much worse, second by second, day by day. There is nothing I can do to prevent the thoughts I'm having. Most of the time they are meaningless, but to me everything hold meaning, it's just as precious as whom we worship. Everything hold equal meaning to me as strange as that may sound. It's hard to explain too, because if something upsets me, I'm not upset by everything I see. The easiest way to explain it is again like a religion. There are times of doubt, joyous, anger, sorrow, and you name it. I look at a piece of paper, and that isn't all I see. I see much more out of it.

      Those however aren't the thoughts keeping me on the medicine. To other these my seem pointless, meaningless, or even odd defying. So what am I getting all worked up over? I never really got a chance to explain why I think I have severe OCD, at least not that I can remember. It's sad when you go from the "go to guy" for remembering things to not even remembering what you just did five minutes ago. All because of this medicine...

     With time cut short, I wont add much about this, but OCD runs in the family I suppose. Add that along with kids shutting you out from school; I really only had one friend my enter school career, while others used me, and Verbal abuse, and some may even call it abuse, which is something I will get into, it's the part I'm dreading in "My Senior Year" story. It's got to come out someway or another. My parents my not be happy with it, but they ask and told me if I needed their help than they would help me. This blog, and being free to talk about things of my past and present anonymously, is helping me.

     The thoughts; before I get sidetracked again, that are causing me to stay on this medicine aren't very settling to me. I don't care if they mean nothing to you, or if you have it worse (someone will always have it worse, but NO ONE will have it the worst). I like to think of everyone's well-being or experiences are fairly equal in their own way, and petty the foolish who think they have it worse than everyone around them. Everyone deals with pain in a unique way, to believe no one has it as bad as you is just pathetic in my opinion.

     The grim reaper follows me by my side, wherever I go. I constantly think of scenarios, where I think someone will die, right in front of me. When I'm riding along with someone, I can't get the images out of my head that, the car passing by will swerve into us, or if the roads are icy/wet, I just know we are going to flip. These thoughts never come to cease. Thoughts racing, I think of multiple scenarios of what I would do in such a situation. Who will I save first? Who got hurt worse? Who is still alive? How will I keep them alive until help arrives? You know just the basic worries of being on the road, or wait these thoughts aren't normal?

     My parents think I don't want to drive because I'm worried of being a threat to others, but that's not what I'm worried about. I believe it's more or less, a fear of death. Any situation that may hold the reapers touch, I try my best to avoid it. I use to enjoy mowing, but now I don't. I fear machinery. Anything with an engine to be more precise.

     The other day, riding home from work in my car with my dad. I don't quite remember what caused these thoughts, but all I can remember was, again playing the scenario of getting in a wreck. I think my dad way drive fast or maybe it's just the fact I fear my dads driving. However I thought he might flip the car or something like that. So what I was thinking was. The car flipped twice, and we were both in poor condition. He doesn't know that my medicine thins my blood, so I tell him a message I want him to pass on to the rest of the family in my dying words as I tell him I know I won't make it, because my blood is thin. The message of course is the cliche "I love you".

     That is why I'm going to stay on my medicine. As I know it hasn't helped with the unwanted thoughts, I do know it has slowed my thinking down. Meaning less unwanted thoughts. Those who don't know much about OCD, unwanted thoughts can't be controlled. I have a lot of them with the medicine, God only knows how much worse I will get off the medicine.                

Weekly Update: 5

     Sorry about not getting to that other post last night. The medicine hit me faster than I was hoping. I do however still plan on typing that post out, when I'm unsure. It seems like the last few times I've tried to get two posts up in one night I get sleepy, and end up not posting it.

     We are past 3000 views! I want to thank everyone, especially my viewers that read all or even most of my posts. It may be hard sometimes for me to type about something I'm not quite comfortable with, but that's why I remain anonymous. Also sorry if I don't reply to any comments, I'm still working on getting comfortable/use to getting comments. I do read them though...

     Here is what I posted this week:

List of Phobias Part 7

List of Phobias Part 6

List of Phobias Part 5

The Perfect Tower

List of Phobias Part 4

List of Phobias Part 3

     Unfortunately I was busy this week and I only had time for my phobia list. In a way this is good, but at the same time I'm not to thrilled of posting that many of the same type of post in a week. It's good because I will be able to start another series sooner, but bad because it's piratically the same thing and not much to look forward to unless you want to see the different fear.

     I'm hoping to start a monthly recap, but I'm unsure how I'm going to do that yet since I've had this blog up for about a month and a half now. More than likely I will just go ahead and put back links to my weekly updates. It will be easier on my that way, and it wont give me as many views from me trying to get the links. Blogger changed their setting to not track your own views and not it's not working. I've sent a complaint but nothing so far.