It has been a while since I have gotten around to the next "chapter" to this story. A bit of a recap of what happen previously was a friend ended up getting a cancerous tumor, another one of my friends dad past, and I lost another one of my friends because I believe he was jealous. What I'm about to type, isn't something I'm thrilled to type. It's a part of the story I wished out of everything would have never happened, because I now look at people differently all from one conversation with my parents. I had severe anxiety before this, but my social life was greater than what it was before this event. I have always been to scared to do anything I would regret later on. If I had to pick one thing a regretted the most, would be this. Someone I thought cared about me enough to not harm me or make matters worse, did just the opposite. Now I can't look at anyone without the fear of them turning on me.
What makes this harder to talk about is if he found out I published something like this, I wouldn't pass it by him to kick me out of the house. He use to show his love throw violence and as I thought that came to an end. This day, it was I believe before or after Christmas, this day however showed me that person was still in him. Only worse, what he did to me had never happened before. I shed tears of worry as I'm not sure what he will do when he reads this if he does.
I'm not making him out to be the person he isn't, but I'm also not making him out to be someone people see him as. It is your opinion of who you want him to be not mine. He has done me wrong not you. I have learned to live past his mistakes, I'm sure everyone who reads this can too. It isn't your place to tell someone they are in the wrong if the people they've wrong get past the horrid experiences.
Not many people know this happened, but that is normally the way it goes. If it wasn't for the fact my mom was as horrified as me, things probably would be better. I've not even started the story and it's already really hard to talk about, because it's something I tried to forget and haven't thought about for a while. All I have to say is I was lucky it wasn't any worse.
While I was putting up with everything on my own, I have this thought about homeschooling. I really liked the idea, because I wasn't just fighting for my friends, I was also fighting for myself. Putting up with bullies and problems from the friend I recently lost, school was a place I didn't want to go to anymore. I didn't want to talk to any of the staff members whatsoever. I felt like they were all against me and wanted me to suffer. My mom says to wait for my dad, then we would discuss it.
My dad wasn't to keen on the idea. I wasn't even certain if it's what I wanted. I just wanted to throw it out there to see what they thought. I was telling them all the pros of what homeschooling does for those who partake it. My dad would come up with something to counterattack everything I said. All of a sudden he knows EVERYTHING about homeschooling. I've looked it up a few times before this conversation. Probably a few weeks before hand. Even if I wasn't able to attend this, I still enjoyed learning more about it. I love learning and teaching myself new things.
The discussion turned into an argument? It ended up being if I pay for the process than I would be able to do this. But around the same time I kept repeating myself I will just continue going to school, because I didn't want to argue. I can't be around people yelling, I just can't! And my dad is the reason why. He gets upset over the stupidest of things, and isn't reasonable about how he attends to handle them. Problem with that is... I'm almost just as bad, because that is how I was raised. (I will do more stories about this later on.)
I don't like being like that and anytime I can avoid getting put in a situation I feel I will be unreasonable I will. For the most part I can control it now, but every now and then I have my moments of weakness.
I was trying my best to avoid the yelling. I kept saying I'm done I will just go to school. After saying it a few times I then get up. Biggest mistake I've ever made, even though I did nothing wrong! All I did was stood up... my dad launches at me. The look in his eyes, I had never seen it before. Soulless is about the best I can do to describe it. I didn't see the father I knew anymore.
Not sure what was going to happen from there, I put my hands up near my chest as I swore he was going to beat the shit out of me. Sad thing is, I wasn't the only one there who thought the same thing. Everything just happened so fast. I put my hands up and next thing I know I'm being thrown full force into the couch. I tried to get up, again he through me again when I was about halfway up. That time I hit my neck fairly hard on the wooden support board on the back of the couch. I'm not sure if anyone has accidentally hit one of the boards in a couch, but they are hard. It's almost like lightly hitting yourself with a golf club, which too hurts.
My mom rushes over begging and pulling my dad to get off me. He still had that look in his eyes. What did I do that was so bad, that he had to not only charge at me, but throw me into the couch? All I did was stood up. Hell I could have been stretching for all he knew, actually I was getting up to get a drink, but still. After everyone was somewhat settled down, and everything was all processed. My dad clams I was going to hit him. One it would have been out of defense, you don't charge at someone that fierce without intending harm.
I'm not him so it's unclear to me rather or not that was the case. I believe he was using the fact I put my hands up as an accuse to go even further to throw me. I mean It seems legit. I did put my hands up... in a defense stance, but I know my dad and the family line he came from. I didn't at the time but he recently revealed it, well about a year ago. I think my mom saved me from what really would of happened. If you saw my dads eyes, you would probably think the same thing.
My dads response to throwing me against the couch was he was protecting the rest of the family. I'm sorry but how stupid do you think my mom and I are? I'm the weakest of the five of us in the house. Well my little sister is weaker than me but I'm still pretty weak. I've never thrown a punch, and I've never sought physical actions to solve my problems, clearly my dad has. After the ordeal and my dad was else where I told my mom that if he ever did something like that again I'm calling the cops to protect the rest of my family. He could have told the police what he thought was going to happen, but he charging at me would have been enough for them to see I was defending myself. You don't charge at someone and say you were defending yourself unless they have a ranged weapon and clearly plan on using it on you.
There for a while I couldn't look at my dad, I couldn't be in the same room as him, I didn't even want to be home if he was. He promised me that what he did would make us closer, in which I agreed even knowing that wasn't true. It's been two years since the incident and I can't look at him the way I did before.
Before the conversation I had mentioned that I had major trust issues and that I can't trust anyone anymore. I don't remember what brought that up, but my dad was telling me I can't let the friend who deserted me bring me down. He wasn't though, I even told my dad he wasn't why I have trust issues. No one has influenced the perspective of trust for me. Deep down I've known I've always had trust issues. My dad wasn't to thrilled when he found out I can't even trust him... the was reason to why I didn't. all he did was proved it even more.
What makes this harder to talk about is if he found out I published something like this, I wouldn't pass it by him to kick me out of the house. He use to show his love throw violence and as I thought that came to an end. This day, it was I believe before or after Christmas, this day however showed me that person was still in him. Only worse, what he did to me had never happened before. I shed tears of worry as I'm not sure what he will do when he reads this if he does.
I'm not making him out to be the person he isn't, but I'm also not making him out to be someone people see him as. It is your opinion of who you want him to be not mine. He has done me wrong not you. I have learned to live past his mistakes, I'm sure everyone who reads this can too. It isn't your place to tell someone they are in the wrong if the people they've wrong get past the horrid experiences.
Not many people know this happened, but that is normally the way it goes. If it wasn't for the fact my mom was as horrified as me, things probably would be better. I've not even started the story and it's already really hard to talk about, because it's something I tried to forget and haven't thought about for a while. All I have to say is I was lucky it wasn't any worse.
While I was putting up with everything on my own, I have this thought about homeschooling. I really liked the idea, because I wasn't just fighting for my friends, I was also fighting for myself. Putting up with bullies and problems from the friend I recently lost, school was a place I didn't want to go to anymore. I didn't want to talk to any of the staff members whatsoever. I felt like they were all against me and wanted me to suffer. My mom says to wait for my dad, then we would discuss it.
My dad wasn't to keen on the idea. I wasn't even certain if it's what I wanted. I just wanted to throw it out there to see what they thought. I was telling them all the pros of what homeschooling does for those who partake it. My dad would come up with something to counterattack everything I said. All of a sudden he knows EVERYTHING about homeschooling. I've looked it up a few times before this conversation. Probably a few weeks before hand. Even if I wasn't able to attend this, I still enjoyed learning more about it. I love learning and teaching myself new things.
The discussion turned into an argument? It ended up being if I pay for the process than I would be able to do this. But around the same time I kept repeating myself I will just continue going to school, because I didn't want to argue. I can't be around people yelling, I just can't! And my dad is the reason why. He gets upset over the stupidest of things, and isn't reasonable about how he attends to handle them. Problem with that is... I'm almost just as bad, because that is how I was raised. (I will do more stories about this later on.)
I don't like being like that and anytime I can avoid getting put in a situation I feel I will be unreasonable I will. For the most part I can control it now, but every now and then I have my moments of weakness.
I was trying my best to avoid the yelling. I kept saying I'm done I will just go to school. After saying it a few times I then get up. Biggest mistake I've ever made, even though I did nothing wrong! All I did was stood up... my dad launches at me. The look in his eyes, I had never seen it before. Soulless is about the best I can do to describe it. I didn't see the father I knew anymore.
Not sure what was going to happen from there, I put my hands up near my chest as I swore he was going to beat the shit out of me. Sad thing is, I wasn't the only one there who thought the same thing. Everything just happened so fast. I put my hands up and next thing I know I'm being thrown full force into the couch. I tried to get up, again he through me again when I was about halfway up. That time I hit my neck fairly hard on the wooden support board on the back of the couch. I'm not sure if anyone has accidentally hit one of the boards in a couch, but they are hard. It's almost like lightly hitting yourself with a golf club, which too hurts.
My mom rushes over begging and pulling my dad to get off me. He still had that look in his eyes. What did I do that was so bad, that he had to not only charge at me, but throw me into the couch? All I did was stood up. Hell I could have been stretching for all he knew, actually I was getting up to get a drink, but still. After everyone was somewhat settled down, and everything was all processed. My dad clams I was going to hit him. One it would have been out of defense, you don't charge at someone that fierce without intending harm.
I'm not him so it's unclear to me rather or not that was the case. I believe he was using the fact I put my hands up as an accuse to go even further to throw me. I mean It seems legit. I did put my hands up... in a defense stance, but I know my dad and the family line he came from. I didn't at the time but he recently revealed it, well about a year ago. I think my mom saved me from what really would of happened. If you saw my dads eyes, you would probably think the same thing.
My dads response to throwing me against the couch was he was protecting the rest of the family. I'm sorry but how stupid do you think my mom and I are? I'm the weakest of the five of us in the house. Well my little sister is weaker than me but I'm still pretty weak. I've never thrown a punch, and I've never sought physical actions to solve my problems, clearly my dad has. After the ordeal and my dad was else where I told my mom that if he ever did something like that again I'm calling the cops to protect the rest of my family. He could have told the police what he thought was going to happen, but he charging at me would have been enough for them to see I was defending myself. You don't charge at someone and say you were defending yourself unless they have a ranged weapon and clearly plan on using it on you.
There for a while I couldn't look at my dad, I couldn't be in the same room as him, I didn't even want to be home if he was. He promised me that what he did would make us closer, in which I agreed even knowing that wasn't true. It's been two years since the incident and I can't look at him the way I did before.
Before the conversation I had mentioned that I had major trust issues and that I can't trust anyone anymore. I don't remember what brought that up, but my dad was telling me I can't let the friend who deserted me bring me down. He wasn't though, I even told my dad he wasn't why I have trust issues. No one has influenced the perspective of trust for me. Deep down I've known I've always had trust issues. My dad wasn't to thrilled when he found out I can't even trust him... the was reason to why I didn't. all he did was proved it even more.
No comments:
Post a Comment