Listen to this life saving song. It may not be to you but to me it means everything. People look at the music I listen to and think it's obnoxious and annoying, but I don't let them get to me, because it helps me. If it wasn't for this music I probably wouldn't be around anymore. Why songs like these appeal to me more than "normal" music is because people who suffer, just like I do make these songs. They poor everything into what they make. I know it may be hard for people who don't normally listen to this music understand the meaning of these songs, but the point is they help.
The last few days, probably closer to a week now I've been trying different things I can use to help with my depression. My anxiety really isn't all that bad, or maybe it is worse than I think. It's hard to tell from unwanted thoughts caused by OCD, or just bad thoughts from depression. All I know is one of the two if not both are getting worse.
I use to go a few days without having to many problems. Yeah I would still get depressed and my OCD would kick in if things weren't where they normally were at work, but that I got use to. I'd have to say the last two or three weeks I've been fighting so hard not to show I'm having troubles. It's getting to the point to where it's hard to hold the tears back. Why am I upset? I have no clue, I just get so overwhelmed, nothing causes it. It sucks you know? I can't live a normal life, people ridicule those who suffer like I do. All I have to say to others who don't have this dreadful disorder is it's completely out of our control. Trust me if I could live just one day not because depression and anxious I would.
I've talked to my mom more about it and I was put on Xanax when I was ten, I'm twenty now. It wasn't an everyday pill like the one I'm on now, but still. I was TEN when I was put on medication that doctors don't prescribe to kids at that age. Hell it's not even that common for someone in their twenties to be on the medicine I'm on now. Normally I wouldn't put a name to the medicine I'm on, but I can make an acception this time.
What I'm trying now, I know wont work, and it's not because I'm being doubtful. I've tried it before and it hasn't helped. I went to herbal remedies, only instead of looking them up on my own, I went to a local herb shop. The first thing they gave me only worked for nervous feelings. The way I understood it when I was being told what it did, was the vitamin is mean more for generalized anxiety, not OCD. I bought it anyways because at this point I'm willing to try anything to stop me from feeling this way.
I feel useless so I try my hardest to do the best and be the best, but that's not enough for me. I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I mess everything up and screw relationships between people I care about. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I just mess things up, and make life harder on those around me. The only thing that is helping me stay alive is this music and helping people at this point. A vitamin supplement isn't the only thing I've tried however. I'm also trying lavender oil which it works, but once it wares off I'm a bigger mess than what I was before smelt it.
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