Showing posts with label Anxiety Medicine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety Medicine. Show all posts

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Nothing Helps



     Listen to this life saving song. It may not be to you but to me it means everything. People look at the music I listen to and think it's obnoxious and annoying, but I don't let them get to me, because it helps me. If it wasn't for this music I probably wouldn't be around anymore. Why songs like these appeal to me more than "normal" music is because people who suffer, just like I do make these songs. They poor everything into what they make. I know it may be hard for people who don't normally listen to this music understand the meaning of these songs, but the point is they help.

     The last few days, probably closer to a week now I've been trying different things I can use to help with my depression. My anxiety really isn't all that bad, or maybe it is worse than I think. It's hard to tell from unwanted thoughts caused by OCD, or just bad thoughts from depression. All I know is one of the two if not both are getting worse.

     I use to go a few days without having to many problems. Yeah I would still get depressed and my OCD would kick in if things weren't where they normally were at work, but that I got use to. I'd have to say the last two or three weeks I've been fighting so hard not to show I'm having troubles. It's getting to the point to where it's hard to hold the tears back. Why am I  upset? I have no clue, I just get so overwhelmed, nothing causes it. It sucks you know? I can't live a normal life, people ridicule those who suffer like I do. All I have to say to others who don't have this dreadful disorder is it's completely out of our control. Trust me if I could live just one day not because depression and anxious I would.

     I've talked to my mom more about it and I was put on Xanax when I was ten, I'm twenty now. It wasn't an everyday pill like the one I'm on now, but still. I was TEN when I was put on medication that doctors don't prescribe to kids at that age. Hell it's not even that common for someone in their twenties to be on the medicine I'm on now. Normally I wouldn't put a name to the medicine I'm on, but I can make an acception   this time.

     What I'm trying now, I know wont work, and it's not because I'm being doubtful. I've tried it before and it hasn't helped. I went to herbal remedies, only instead of looking them up on my own, I went to a local herb shop. The first thing they gave me only worked for nervous feelings. The way I understood it when I was being told what it did, was the vitamin is mean more for generalized anxiety, not OCD. I bought it anyways because at this point I'm willing to try anything to stop me from feeling this way.

     I feel useless so I try my hardest to do the best and be the best, but that's not enough for me. I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I mess everything up and screw relationships between people I care about. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I just mess things up, and make life harder on those around me. The only thing that is helping me stay alive is this music and helping people at this point. A vitamin supplement isn't the only thing I've tried however. I'm also trying lavender oil which it works, but once it wares off I'm a bigger mess than what I was before smelt it. 

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Optimism

     Sorry this is a late post, I was hoping to get it at least typed out while a was at work, but I was on dishes most of the night and when I got time my phone was about dead. Anyways, tired and wore out I have time to put together more sentence that probably don't make a whole lot of since.

     I am a very optimistic person which in the long run tends to hurt more than it does help. Generally I don't like people seeing me in pain, seeing my suffer from a deleterious disease. It makes me feel weak, most people look down upon the weak even though they still feel pain, like everyone else. Most times when I'm in a really good mood it's because I hide the true face of despair. I don't want the attention from someone else, I would rather give them attention.

     The reason optimism hurts in the long run is because people always relay on you to be okay with what ever they tell you to do, even if it bothers you or they know you can't do it. I don't complain a whole lot so when I do people go all ape shit. I'm just going to call my headaches migraines because I do believe that is what they are. I have several of the symptoms and anxiety can cause migraines.

     These migraines are by far the worst pain I have ever felt, I can't see very well, the effected side of my head my eye waters if the migraine doesn't effect both sides, which today it effect both sides of my head. I feel like I'm running a high fever, my nose gets runny, sometimes like today, I can barely stand. I don't complain though, I don't go around asking for petty by saying my head hurts, or that I can't do this because I have a headache like many others would do just to get out of a task they don't want to do.

     The second I say something hurts and I can't do a task because of it, it suddenly becomes and excuse, even though other people have the same problem and get away with not doing certain tasks. For example I have a bad shoulder, I don't know whats wrong with it. I have had x-rays done to see and the results came back with nothing unusual. It could be arthritis but it hurts every day, some days more than others. I can withstand the pain but the more it hurts the less I can lift, it's almost like it's dislocated shoulder that I'v had for years. Anyways for a while I was doing a task I hadn't done, and I started doing it every day I worked, which I couldn't continue to do everyday because it involved me lifting my shoulder over my head. With a good amount of weight I couldn't do it.

     I mentioned something to the supervisor, he was okay with it and understood as you can clearly see one shoulder is lower than the other. Next day I work I had to do this task again so I said something to the boss, in which she was okay with it too. The other managers find out one I think understood but the other of course didn't. They took it as I was trying to get out of it. Yeah I didn't like the task but there are many tasks I don't like doing at work. I do dishes nearly every day I work, I don't like it but no one else does them, at least not very often.

     I mentioned I feel others should start helping out on dishes a bit more, which only one manager seemed to have a problem with that. I guess I'm just full of excuses. People tend to relay on the people who don't complain. I'm optimistic so I put a smile on no matter the day, it could be the worst day in my life, and I'm still helping others, trying my hardest not to let them see me suffer.

     I'm twenty now and had my first girlfriend at twenty, I'm not a chaser, I'm happy for who I am not who I date. It only lasted a few weeks, but I didn't show it, not at work anyways. My mom caught on after a little while, though it's not hard to tell when I'm depressed at home. My senior year, no one asked me if I was okay or if everything was alright, even though I experienced more in one year than many can say they had in a lifetime. It was one thing after another, and day by day, I went to school showed sympathy to others who were effected by an event I shared with them. I asked them how they were holding up, not once did any of them ask me, I didn't show I was in pain.

     Maybe it's time to start showing emotion, but I don't want attention. Optimism is probably my biggest self harm. Not only am I lying to the people around me, some days I do need help getting through something. I also lie to myself, I pretend nothing is bothersome, I pretend I'm not in pain even though sometimes all I can see is blood dripping from my soul. I'm having a small panic attack at the moment as this is my second night without the medicine. I plan on doing a post of a severe panic attack. Optimistic people feel pain too like everyone else, they just bottle it up better.  
       

Friday, February 26, 2016

Off the Anxiety Medicine!

     Sorry I didn't get another post out last night, I had just taken my medicine in which I almost fallen asleep at the keyboard the other night. Yes can be a bit of a couch potato sometimes, or I guess I would be a chair tomato, but anyways I'm normal always at my computer blogging, creating content for blogs, or listening to music.

      Good news on that though, no more medicine for me. I figured it was safer to stop taking it before I was only able to stand for a few seconds. Being around hot ovens and having a hard time standing up, though I did manage, and I pushed myself to try and not show anything was wrong. I feel I did a pretty good job up until the point I felt really shaky and light. I ended up asking the boss if I was turning white, didn't really feel like passing out, and when I turn whiter than what I already am, I know I'm getting close to fainting.

     Other than the fact I had to work with the manager I have been having problems with today, had a small panic attack before I went in because I was unsure of what today held. It probably would have been a worse attack had I not been on my medicine, but I don't think I have much to worry about anymore. The supervisor talked with both of us, he mainly wanted to make sure I wouldn't cause anymore problems. I had sent a message to that manager about why I don't answer phones, it wasn't necessarily the nicest of messages, but I still don't have to answer the phones which the manager was to happy to hear when the supervisor told her that.

     Today was a fairly busy day at work, which made things easier for me because I love working rushes. I contently have to be doing something to keep my mind busy otherwise my mind keeps me busy. A few of the workers there were also nice to be around, they know how to bring spirits up. Hopefully everyone had as wonderful of a day as I did!


      

Monday, February 22, 2016

A Waking Reality

     About five to six years ago, I started having headaches, depending on the day they were either really bad, or just a bit of pressure. At first I didn't think anything of them. I have a high pain tolerance, so I just waved it off, thinking the headaches will pass, at least the ones that made my eyes watery and nose runny. They use to last about a week give or take. There was either no pain, just the pressure of a headache, or the pain of what I would have to describe as small needles behind one eye or the other.

     About a month or so of that passed by, but the headaches began to come more then they would go. The pressure soon became what use to be the needles and the needles became like someone driving a spike through the top of my skull, and behind one of my eyes, if not both... the headaches became worse.

     After about three maybe four or five months of this, I decided it was time to go see the doctor about my headaches that only go away a few times in a month if I was lucky that month. I don't remember much of the first few visits but the first thing the doctor thought was the headaches were just tension headaches. My eyes got checked (my father insisted I needed glasses) and other typical doctor visit procedures were done and I was sent on my merry way, I don't remember if medicine was giving to me the first visit or not.

     A few months pass and the headaches, though not any worse, weren't any better either, but they did seem to last a bit longer. The best way to describe these; I really should say headache as it felt like it was one headache that lasted for at first a few weeks, then a month, to almost a constant headache. So I decide its time to go back as what ever I was told to do the first visit didn't work. The doctor than asked if migraines ran in the family in with my mother said they don't. Though she had the degree and I didn't the doctor said it was possible for me to have migraines, but without migraines running in the family it was unlikely. This time I remember her giving me small dosage of some kind of medication used for migraines.

     Believe it or not it worked, for a good some of time anyways. I don't remember how many months it worked for, all I know is it worked. Then she upped the medication to the next set dose. That is when things really started to change for me. I got more into anime and drawing, I like to call it my artistic phase. Don't get me wrong I was still into anime before most of this started happening but, not as much as I was after I started taking the higher dose of this medicine.

     I would wake up in the morning for school take a shower and find that I can't feel legs. I felt lighter all of a sudden. I just let it pass because at the time I thought I was just really lightheaded, and I was, but things grew white. I saw white lights, mixed in with a magenta color, the white out ruled the magenta color, and I did nothing.

     I continued my morning routine, and got ready for school. At first I though maybe it was because I wasn't eating as much. The medicine made me nauseous so I often skipped lunch or supper (wasn't big on breakfast). I started eating a bit more in the morning and tried to force myself to eat when I didn't feel as sick to the stomach, as this "lightheadedness" wouldn't fade away, it actually got worse. It was hard for me to get from class to class. All I did, was let it pass. I didn't stop for a second, I just kept going because I kept thinking to myself  "self I can't be late for class". I was, no I am a worry wort. I worry about everything. I for some reason or another thought if I was late to class once I would get in a lot of trouble, some may not care about getting in trouble, but this guy sure did. Couldn't be around when the phone rang otherwise I thought I did something.

     One day, I was so drained. I didn't do any physical ware and tare, but my body insisted I did. I was laying down watching, you guessed it anime. Somewhere in between the time I spent watching anime and laying down, I fell asleep. It was early afternoon when I fell asleep, because when I woke up it was nearly time to eat dinner. I was called upon when the food was prepared and if I am correct, I was pail white. Now I'v never seen a ghost, but I would have to say I was pail white, as I look in the mirror to see if I looked sick.

     I made it out to the kitchen on good terms, but once I stopped; impatiently waiting for the ketchup, I saw those lights again only this time they were brighter and oddly enough the lights hurt this time. Again I grew light, almost felt as if I were flying. Without saying a word, I rushed into the living room, hoping to catch the closest seat before I fall from the sky. Thankfully I made it to a seat just in time. All I can say from the point forward, I remember getting up but I don't remember making it back to my room. It felt like I was sleep walking only, ever step hurt. My body just ached all over, more so than with a high temperature. I was dizzy even while laying down; the room just kept spinning, even with my eyes closed, everything was spinning. I never took another pill the doctor prescribed to me after that, and I got better.

     Here recently I know I keep saying that I'm back on my anxiety medicine. It turns out the medicine wasn't for migraines like what my family thought. In my first post Yet Another Blog, and Problems at Work, I mentioned a bit of why I decided to take my anxiety medicine again. I remember mentioning to the manager I'v been having problems with the I grow immune to medication. Putting more and more thought into I slowly started to remember, the medicine I was taking for my headaches, I didn't become immune to it, I stopped taking it because of it's effects.

     I go home that night thinking that I would take them again, my headaches were getting worse once again, and I would have my mom look for my medical papers for my anxiety and my headaches.  I looked up the side effect of the medicine because it had been nearly three years since I have taken them, found out that it is an antidepressant that helps with anxiety migraines. The reason this was such a shock was because I knew how bad my anxiety was and I knew I needed medication, but I would rather suffer being me than being someone the medicine changes me into.

     Here I am taking my anxiety medicine, to show why I can't run the front or answer the phones at work. Anxiety medicine in itself is almost worse than not being capable of doing normal everyday activities. I would much rather give up talking to people then having to take the medicine, but I can't do that. I can be vindictive at times.

   

   

        

A Feared Life

   Severe anxiety is nothing more than a cluster of phobias and is often followed by depression. The more one fears, the less of normal activities one may enjoy during their lifetime. Some may collect more phobias than they conquer, the older they become, if the age from where they left off. Sorrow normally comes after facing a fear, sometimes it just appears on its own. Some fears cause people to tell themselves things they know aren't true, but the thoughts never fade; day in and day out.
     
     The people who suffer the most always show a smile, rather it be in school, work or public. They are optimist most of the time, and some hide problems so well; you may never know something is wrong, until it's to late. 

     Yes everyone has some form of anxiety, but not everyone has severe anxiety. Basic anxiety stems from normal things to stress about; like starting a new job or that exam you "forgot" to study for. Not everyone goes through panic/anxiety attacks weekly or even daily like myself. These attacks don't have to have a reason, they can just pop up out of nowhere. No warning sign nothing. Could be the best damn day someone has and all of a sudden their worst. 

     I'v been told by people who don't have severe anxiety tell me to just get over it, it's nothing, or that other people have "issues". Severe anxiety isn't an issue, for those who truly believe it is, need to fear nearly everything and tell me it's just "issues". Severe anxiety is a disorder, a chemical imbalance in the brain. That chemical isn't something someone can just create out of nothing, that's what medicine is for, though is the medicine really worth it? For some possibly, but it changes who YOU are. Your personality changes. Given time, not much is feared anymore, people become distant, and I even feel soulless at times, like nothing will phase me anymore. 

     Other effects are just as terrifying to others as they are to whoever takes medicine for this disorder. Some may become confused, they won't remember who they are, how to do ritual activities, or even where they are! Faintness; one of the worst side effects I'v experience, your whole body aches like you are running a high fever, but your temperature gets lowers. Everything grows dark, the pigment from your vision just disappears, and you can't feel anything. Luckily I was able to wobbly myself to a seat to gather myself. There are many more side effects than those two, some actually really devastating. It's almost like the only thing the medicine ever fixed were the fears.  

     My biggest fear is claustrophobia. I fear small places, I fear being trapped. Which is why I fear most other things. It isn't necessarily the fact I fear something else like being social. I'm not always afraid to interact with others. I just don't like feeling confine to one spot, I'm constantly moving or doing something else apposed to just talking. I am however social phobic, but depending on the day I can push that aside, though I can't only hold a conversation for a short time before my anxiety kicks in. 

    Tonight is the forth night back on my medicine and let me tell you it isn't very fun. I don't have to take it, the reason why I do though is because not everyone sees severe anxiety as a disorder. I can't run the phone or work the registers at work unless I have medicine, but I can't take medicine for long before the side effects get progressive worse. Here I'm guessing within a few more days, I wont be able to stand for long. I'm going to show they people at work what I'm like with medicine, and show them why I'm not on medicine. Yes I can leave and find a new place, but I really enjoy where I'm at and I feel it just isn't my time to leave yet. Everything happens for a reason and I don't have a reason to leave. 
          

            

     

Friday, February 19, 2016

Yet Another Blog, and Problems at Work

     Hello everyone, I bring you yet another blog. I believe this makes my 6 or 7th blog, but I enjoy blogging. For this blog it will more than likely be about me and whats going on in my life. There may be a few links to Youtube videos I enjoy, or maybe posts from my other blogs, but for the most part, my life.

    I'm not sure what my posting schedule will be for this blog, I was hopping to be more active on my other blogs, and I know it has been a good two weeks since I'v posting anything. Currently I'v been having issue at work, one of my friends of whom was a manager has left, leaving us with only three managers, and one of them thinks anxiety is nothing more than a joke so I'm back on my medicine I truly don't want to be on.

     I started back up last night and here I set bobbing back and forth at my computer screen, lightheaded. The reason I choose to take it yet again, after I stopped taking because of the side effects, it to show anxiety is no laughing matter, the medicine itself can be much worse. Though I don't feel anxious anymore, I do however have a slight headache, I can't stand up for long, I can't lay down to rid the feeling of faintness, my taste is off, I see things from the corner of my eyes (mostly bright lights), it takes my longer to comprehend even the simplest of tasks.

     I have told the place of business over and over again, if I was to work the front or phones, I will need to be on my medicine again (all but one manager understood), which though the medicine is helping with my anxiety, I'm not in much of a state to take care of customers, not alone money.

     The manager of which I'm having problems with; no authority of telling me this as the main manager and supervisor have already waved me from these positions (Yes this manager already knew I was told I don't have to work these stations), told me the other day at work I will need to start learning how to answer the phone and run the front. Not wanting to start anything there, knowing my anxiety would only get worse from that point forward, I just said okay, I will need to talk to the supervisor first, which she wasn't to thrilled to hear anyways.

     So now I am back on my anxiety medicine to prove that there are in fact positions there I'm not capable of doing, not with out medicine anyways, and though I'm not anxious right now; I could probably answer the phone, but I would need a seat, and I would no longer be capable of doing other things around the store, because of how the medicine effects me.