One of the toughest things for me when I'm fighting depression is trying to reassure myself. When I get thoughts of worthlessness, reassurance only makes things worse for me. It's hard, I'm told by people that I just need to deal with it. I do, I'm trying my damned near hardest to overcome my thoughts and doubts. I don't know why being reassured only worsens it.
What makes it even worse though is when others try to reassure me. I don't want attention, I've dealt with this before and just being alone is the best thing for me. My parents I guess know somethings wrong, because they have been asking me if I'm alright out of the blue. Going the past week or so being short with words, I guess they caught on.
The thing of it all is when I'm depressed it effects everyone I'm around, only making things that much worse, because they don't know or understand why I'm acting the way I am. I snap at people for no to little reasoning, I'm short with those who are trying to be nice to me. I'm just hateful when I get like this. I feel bad, I don't mean to be, but I can't help it.
I can't reassure myself. Like tonight we ran out of an ingredient. Normally I unload the truck, so I know if there is something missing or not. With my mood the way it's been, I didn't really take note to what was missing or what we were short on. I feel like it's my fault for it, because it wasn't something we could really get by without.
Setting here, trying to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, only makes things worse, but I can't help but to at least TRY and relieve myself from the guilt. Making things worse the manager I was having problems with, is the manager I told. That made me feel like it was only that more of a responsibility for me to pay attention to what we got. No one else knows what we get on the truck except for what they see restock, and when something is short when it's needed.
People don't know how to "help" people with depression or severe anxiety, because it effects everyone uniquely. That and people who gernerally feel the need to help others make things worse. All they want to do is help, but most of the time all that really happens (for me anyways) it just makes things harder. All I can think of is being alone so I don't cause anyone anymore pain.
I constantly feel like I'm bothersome, and a waste of air when I'm around people, and that the would be better off, or happier without me around. Judgment usually comes to mind when people find out I'm "messed up" because I don't show self harm. I over work myself, I push myself to hard, I want to be the best I can at everything, even if a task is harming me. I pretended I'm going just fine when really I'm not.
My biggest self harm is something the isn't noticeable until it's almost to late, depending on the situation. I'm underweight, I don't eat, a lot of it is due to depression, but I use it as a self harm. When I get depressed I feel like I eat to much, so I need to cut back otherwise I will gain weight I really don't want. I've gone a few days without eating before because I often feel like I'm to worthless to even eat.
One thing many don't know is I'm trying, I truly am. To them; in their eyes, I'm not trying. I'm just using my anxiety/ depression as an excuse. I look at people who use such disorders as an excuse poorly, not to be mean, but because I try my hardest at everything. I force myself to work when I'm sick, which really only makes me sicker. No matter the mood I'm in I will force myself to work. When I mention I'm feeling down or something, I don't do it for attention, I do it at a warning. I get really hateful, and I want people to know so they don't get upset with me.
Growing up in a family were anxiety and depression were just things you had to get over and put up with probably was the best thing for me. If I hadn't grown up like that, who knows how much worse I would be. I actually forgotten I had anxiety for the longest time because the way I was raised. Thinking back on it now though, I almost wished I was on medicine, maybe thing I would have had a better education. When it came to presentation or any kind of social grading, I took a zero rather than putting up with the humiliation.
What makes it even worse though is when others try to reassure me. I don't want attention, I've dealt with this before and just being alone is the best thing for me. My parents I guess know somethings wrong, because they have been asking me if I'm alright out of the blue. Going the past week or so being short with words, I guess they caught on.
The thing of it all is when I'm depressed it effects everyone I'm around, only making things that much worse, because they don't know or understand why I'm acting the way I am. I snap at people for no to little reasoning, I'm short with those who are trying to be nice to me. I'm just hateful when I get like this. I feel bad, I don't mean to be, but I can't help it.
I can't reassure myself. Like tonight we ran out of an ingredient. Normally I unload the truck, so I know if there is something missing or not. With my mood the way it's been, I didn't really take note to what was missing or what we were short on. I feel like it's my fault for it, because it wasn't something we could really get by without.
Setting here, trying to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, only makes things worse, but I can't help but to at least TRY and relieve myself from the guilt. Making things worse the manager I was having problems with, is the manager I told. That made me feel like it was only that more of a responsibility for me to pay attention to what we got. No one else knows what we get on the truck except for what they see restock, and when something is short when it's needed.
People don't know how to "help" people with depression or severe anxiety, because it effects everyone uniquely. That and people who gernerally feel the need to help others make things worse. All they want to do is help, but most of the time all that really happens (for me anyways) it just makes things harder. All I can think of is being alone so I don't cause anyone anymore pain.
I constantly feel like I'm bothersome, and a waste of air when I'm around people, and that the would be better off, or happier without me around. Judgment usually comes to mind when people find out I'm "messed up" because I don't show self harm. I over work myself, I push myself to hard, I want to be the best I can at everything, even if a task is harming me. I pretended I'm going just fine when really I'm not.
My biggest self harm is something the isn't noticeable until it's almost to late, depending on the situation. I'm underweight, I don't eat, a lot of it is due to depression, but I use it as a self harm. When I get depressed I feel like I eat to much, so I need to cut back otherwise I will gain weight I really don't want. I've gone a few days without eating before because I often feel like I'm to worthless to even eat.
One thing many don't know is I'm trying, I truly am. To them; in their eyes, I'm not trying. I'm just using my anxiety/ depression as an excuse. I look at people who use such disorders as an excuse poorly, not to be mean, but because I try my hardest at everything. I force myself to work when I'm sick, which really only makes me sicker. No matter the mood I'm in I will force myself to work. When I mention I'm feeling down or something, I don't do it for attention, I do it at a warning. I get really hateful, and I want people to know so they don't get upset with me.
Growing up in a family were anxiety and depression were just things you had to get over and put up with probably was the best thing for me. If I hadn't grown up like that, who knows how much worse I would be. I actually forgotten I had anxiety for the longest time because the way I was raised. Thinking back on it now though, I almost wished I was on medicine, maybe thing I would have had a better education. When it came to presentation or any kind of social grading, I took a zero rather than putting up with the humiliation.
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