About a week ago, I know I shouldn't have, but I did a bit more research into OCD. I already knew I had a mild form of it. Though the more and more I read up on it, I was beginning to think it's a bit worse than I first thought. I originally was thinking I had OCD mixed with social anxiety, mainly because I'm a fairly anti-social person.
What I was reading was OCD causes people to be less social, mostly do to unwanted thoughts. I was talking to an friend I use to work with about it to see what he thought and all that. Later on in the conversation I ended up asking him if I should keep a journal, in which he said wouldn't hurt. Impatiently waiting for his response though, I had already started jotting compulsions and unwanted thoughts.
It didn't take me long to fill a page, but that was to be understood. I just got done looking something up which put a lot on my mind, along with what I was already thinking before hand. I felt compelled to look it up. I don't know why looking up OCD even came to mind, I wasn't worried about it or anything, I just thought, why not look it up.
I had looked it up at least once before; a friend of mind told me he had severe OCD. He was the type of person who just makes stuff up to get attention, so I didn't really believe him, and I don't remember if I believed him after I looked it up or not. Now that I refreshed my mind over it, I do see him having it, along with myself.
I'm mainly keeping the journal for something the doctor can look over, and hopefully it will help a diagnoses. Normally I wouldn't do that, but I have heard before and quite a bit after I hit twenty that. Some anxiety worsens when someone is in their twenties. It is becoming harder and harder for me to talk to people, even those I already communicate with.
With a loss of word, I normally find myself speechless to everyday conversations, like "How are you?" or "What did you do today?" Typically I'm short with phrases like those anyways, but I'm even more so now. Instead of answering I often pretend I didn't hear it, or even go as far as making it seem like I'm deaf, and just looking around which I just so happen to look in their direction than gaze off.
My main worry with this really isn't that I'm having a harder time communicating with people. Obviously I'm doing just fine with it now, but it's the unwanted thoughts I'm worried about... they seem to be getting worse. Going from thoughts of just someone is outside or watching you, they have turned into someone is out to get you, and they are trying to kill you sort of thoughts.
I also have a great sense of worry when I drive, I worry about hurting other people, but that's normal, those aren't the thoughts that I feel are unnecessary. The thoughts of someone trying to force me into a wreck are the thoughts that worry me, because I'm overly cautious, I pay attention to one car, were as to everyone on the road, sometimes I switch between cards, but I can't help but feel someone is after me. Though those aren't all of what I think, or feel like I'm being told.
It truly does feel like someone is telling me these thoughts. At first I speculated I may be developing schizophrenia. One of the things I saw while researching, was OCD is commonly mistaking with schizophrenia from a minority perspective. Other thought I commonly have are I'm unwanted and I don't matter and what not. Some days it is hard to deal with, so I turn to my music to think. I'm hoping to return to my writing here soon, but I feel I'm not good with the creative part of writing.
Being told writers should read; me being a writer who doesn't read. I feel now I have to read to be a good writer, and I understand why, but I can't read. I can't stand doing the same thing or feel stuck in one place for time on end. I enjoy reading, but as long as it's longer than a fifteen minute read, I feel to claustrophobic.
There is the reason I have decided to to keep a journal. So far, not so good. I feel like even with the journal the doctor may think I'm faking it just due to recent happenings of people thinking I'm faking my "issues". I was put on pretty strong medicine when I was first diagnosed with anxiety, and I'm still on strong medicine to this day, but a different one. It's not like I can taking anything weaker, because it doesn't have any effects on me. While I was taking my medicine a few weeks ago, I still felt very anti-social which worries me. I'm hoping that the thoughts die down while I'm on the medicine, if not than I may need to try something stronger, which I really don't want.
Hopefully everyone enjoyed the nicer weather today! I didn't, I enjoyed a nice day playing video games with the friend that came over. Though I did get a few more pictures for Opachii's Photography. Can't wait to start posting in that blog again!
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