Weekly Update 6

     I finally have time to spare, and get this post all typed up. I did have the day off, but as of right now I'm more than likely going to fill in for my ex... yay me. Throughout the week I dedicated a little time to come up with a posting schedule. So far I like it, but it may have to change until I figure out how well it will work with my work schedule. It is getting closer to summer and we are normally busy that time of year, which means I get called in more often. Hopefully I can stick with this schedule though, at least for a few weeks.

Monday - Word of the day (Still unsure how I will do this I may end up changing it to a music post instead)
Tuesday - Short story (I typically unload the truck in the morning on Tuesdays, giving me time to type something up.)
Wednesday - Picture (I will just post a picture I've taken I have over 800 so I will have enough for a while)
Thursday - Phobia (Once I complete the list of phobias I will go over each one I have and explain a little)
Friday - I don't plan on post on Fridays, though I may change this one to music as well or even a picture
Saturday - Picture
Sunday - Update

     More than likely there will be a few changes, I may add more things to post about because I still have ideas floating around in my head for posting prompts though I'm not sure. Prompts are more for writers than readers. I'm hoping to start a few new blogs though once I get enough content added to this blog. I will be doing a word of the day blog, and possibly a phobia blog as well, not sure on that one. I'm hoping to start talking about home remedies and stuff like that so I may add this to a day I'm posting something like a picture or I may just replace a picture day. If I do end up doing that I will start a blog for sure on just home remedies.

Here is was I post this week:

List of Phobias Part 12

List of Phobias Part 11

Nothing Helps

List of Phobias Part 10

List of Phobias Part 9

My Senior Year Part 5

The Reaper's Touch

List of Phobias Part 8

The Reaper's Touch

     You can listen to this amazing song while you read this story, I have the playlist I'm listing to linked, but I'm unsure if all the songs will play. I haven't tested it or seen other playlists linked like this.


     When I first started taking my medicine again, I noticed a difference, it was actually helping. Though I may have seemed lifeless, I felt better. But wait... I felt dead, and looked alive before I was taking the medicine, now I look lifeless but I feel more alive? What I mean by looking lifeless is I'm more distant, I'm pale, It takes me longer to grasp whats being asked of me. To me it seems as if my skin is looser, and my bones show more, like I'm a rotting fruit almost.

     My thinking isn't clear, my consciousness is terrible. Sadly that is one of the said effect. I may become less conscious, to the point it's hard to remember the name of a face I know. The other day at work, it had to of been about a week ago now. Someone mentioned my bosses name. It took me a minute to put a face to the name. I don't like to admit that is what the medicine is doing to me, but I can't hide from reality. I have to accept that no matter what medicine I seek, there will be pros and cons.

     Right now I'm trying a vitamin I brought from my local herb shop. Not many people are, or use to be big into herbal remedies, perhaps that's just where I live. The point is though there are people who don't believe herbs work, they are just placebos in a sense. My family didn't really believe stuff like that worked. I get the impression my dad still doesn't believe they work, even though they've worked miracles on people he knows.

     I'm hoping this vitamin will work so I can get off this dreadful anti-depressant. The shopkeeper my mom talked to however said many people who take this see differences within roughly ten minutes. It has been around ten hours since I've taken it, so far nothing. I will continue to take it until I run out. If I don't see any changes by then, I'm not swallowing anymore of my money.

     Many wander why I don't work on easing off the medicine I'm on now, if I'm getting the side effects I am. Well this is the post I was hoping to get to a few days ago. My anxiety; I feel, is getting much worse, second by second, day by day. There is nothing I can do to prevent the thoughts I'm having. Most of the time they are meaningless, but to me everything hold meaning, it's just as precious as whom we worship. Everything hold equal meaning to me as strange as that may sound. It's hard to explain too, because if something upsets me, I'm not upset by everything I see. The easiest way to explain it is again like a religion. There are times of doubt, joyous, anger, sorrow, and you name it. I look at a piece of paper, and that isn't all I see. I see much more out of it.

      Those however aren't the thoughts keeping me on the medicine. To other these my seem pointless, meaningless, or even odd defying. So what am I getting all worked up over? I never really got a chance to explain why I think I have severe OCD, at least not that I can remember. It's sad when you go from the "go to guy" for remembering things to not even remembering what you just did five minutes ago. All because of this medicine...

     With time cut short, I wont add much about this, but OCD runs in the family I suppose. Add that along with kids shutting you out from school; I really only had one friend my enter school career, while others used me, and Verbal abuse, and some may even call it abuse, which is something I will get into, it's the part I'm dreading in "My Senior Year" story. It's got to come out someway or another. My parents my not be happy with it, but they ask and told me if I needed their help than they would help me. This blog, and being free to talk about things of my past and present anonymously, is helping me.

     The thoughts; before I get sidetracked again, that are causing me to stay on this medicine aren't very settling to me. I don't care if they mean nothing to you, or if you have it worse (someone will always have it worse, but NO ONE will have it the worst). I like to think of everyone's well-being or experiences are fairly equal in their own way, and petty the foolish who think they have it worse than everyone around them. Everyone deals with pain in a unique way, to believe no one has it as bad as you is just pathetic in my opinion.

     The grim reaper follows me by my side, wherever I go. I constantly think of scenarios, where I think someone will die, right in front of me. When I'm riding along with someone, I can't get the images out of my head that, the car passing by will swerve into us, or if the roads are icy/wet, I just know we are going to flip. These thoughts never come to cease. Thoughts racing, I think of multiple scenarios of what I would do in such a situation. Who will I save first? Who got hurt worse? Who is still alive? How will I keep them alive until help arrives? You know just the basic worries of being on the road, or wait these thoughts aren't normal?

     My parents think I don't want to drive because I'm worried of being a threat to others, but that's not what I'm worried about. I believe it's more or less, a fear of death. Any situation that may hold the reapers touch, I try my best to avoid it. I use to enjoy mowing, but now I don't. I fear machinery. Anything with an engine to be more precise.

     The other day, riding home from work in my car with my dad. I don't quite remember what caused these thoughts, but all I can remember was, again playing the scenario of getting in a wreck. I think my dad way drive fast or maybe it's just the fact I fear my dads driving. However I thought he might flip the car or something like that. So what I was thinking was. The car flipped twice, and we were both in poor condition. He doesn't know that my medicine thins my blood, so I tell him a message I want him to pass on to the rest of the family in my dying words as I tell him I know I won't make it, because my blood is thin. The message of course is the cliche "I love you".

     That is why I'm going to stay on my medicine. As I know it hasn't helped with the unwanted thoughts, I do know it has slowed my thinking down. Meaning less unwanted thoughts. Those who don't know much about OCD, unwanted thoughts can't be controlled. I have a lot of them with the medicine, God only knows how much worse I will get off the medicine.                

Weekly Update: 4

     Happy Easter everyone! Hopefully everyone who celibates Easter had a good day, for those who don't is by chance there was another holiday going on for your religion or where you live, hopefully all was well too! Today is a weekly update post, unfortunately I missed last Sundays update due to being on vacation. I'm hoping to get pictures out sometime this coming week. Anyways I'm going to go over what may be new series/ posts if I get enough and keep enough ideas for the series ahead of time. 

     Blogging isn't like your last minute five page English assignment you decide to work on an hour before it's due. Though, I do type these posts out with an hour to spear, I like to try and have the posts out roughly around 11 in the afternoon. I however plan ahead of time what I'm going to post. Unless I get busy and completely forget that I'm suppose to be posting something (Oops). 

     So as life stories always come to an end, I'm not very old and stories of my past are sparse. Posting something every day, I will soon run out of things to post. To prevent that I feel like I should combine a few of the other blogs I was planning on creating. I still may start the blogs so I can stay somewhat organized, and that way can keep communities together. People who are just looking for say prompts, wont really want to come to this blog and search for them. Plus the blog title in itself will help keep communities together. 

     If I do start a few new series, things will change. I will try to stay on a strict posting schedule (Thanks to work I can now spell schedule :P). What I mean by this is, like how I post I update/ recap every Sunday. I will try to keep the same topic of a series on the same days. It may take me a while to get use to, but I'm hoping that will happen. Not sure when this will take place as I need to brainstorm some content four the series I already have in mind. 

     Right now the only things I can think of are posting a word with it's definition, so word of the day, and prompts or ideas that I just allow to float around a bit before I forget them. For the word of the day posts, I'm thinking of possibly writing a sentence or paragraph with the words I choose... my vocabulary is a bit dual, so I'm hoping this will help me grow sentence structure. And now finally with a few minutes to spare, here is what I post last week. I won't be including what I missed from the previous week. 

List of Phobias (B)

List of Phobias (A)

Idle Games

Outside Fun

My Senior Year Part 4

     I'm short one post, but that was because I had gotten home from my short trip and took the day off. Once I get enough content, I will post a schedule of whats going to be posted when, and how often I decide to post the same topic in a week. I may even do a Monthly recap with back links to all the posts a published for that month. Hopefully everyone enjoyed the nice weather while it lasted!