Listen to this life saving song. It may not be to you but to me it means everything. People look at the music I listen to and think it's obnoxious and annoying, but I don't let them get to me, because it helps me. If it wasn't for this music I probably wouldn't be around anymore. Why songs like these appeal to me more than "normal" music is because people who suffer, just like I do make these songs. They poor everything into what they make. I know it may be hard for people who don't normally listen to this music understand the meaning of these songs, but the point is they help.
The last few days, probably closer to a week now I've been trying different things I can use to help with my depression. My anxiety really isn't all that bad, or maybe it is worse than I think. It's hard to tell from unwanted thoughts caused by OCD, or just bad thoughts from depression. All I know is one of the two if not both are getting worse.
I use to go a few days without having to many problems. Yeah I would still get depressed and my OCD would kick in if things weren't where they normally were at work, but that I got use to. I'd have to say the last two or three weeks I've been fighting so hard not to show I'm having troubles. It's getting to the point to where it's hard to hold the tears back. Why am I upset? I have no clue, I just get so overwhelmed, nothing causes it. It sucks you know? I can't live a normal life, people ridicule those who suffer like I do. All I have to say to others who don't have this dreadful disorder is it's completely out of our control. Trust me if I could live just one day not because depression and anxious I would.
I've talked to my mom more about it and I was put on Xanax when I was ten, I'm twenty now. It wasn't an everyday pill like the one I'm on now, but still. I was TEN when I was put on medication that doctors don't prescribe to kids at that age. Hell it's not even that common for someone in their twenties to be on the medicine I'm on now. Normally I wouldn't put a name to the medicine I'm on, but I can make an acception this time.
What I'm trying now, I know wont work, and it's not because I'm being doubtful. I've tried it before and it hasn't helped. I went to herbal remedies, only instead of looking them up on my own, I went to a local herb shop. The first thing they gave me only worked for nervous feelings. The way I understood it when I was being told what it did, was the vitamin is mean more for generalized anxiety, not OCD. I bought it anyways because at this point I'm willing to try anything to stop me from feeling this way.
I feel useless so I try my hardest to do the best and be the best, but that's not enough for me. I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I mess everything up and screw relationships between people I care about. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I just mess things up, and make life harder on those around me. The only thing that is helping me stay alive is this music and helping people at this point. A vitamin supplement isn't the only thing I've tried however. I'm also trying lavender oil which it works, but once it wares off I'm a bigger mess than what I was before smelt it.
You can listen to this amazing song while you read this story, I have the playlist I'm listing to linked, but I'm unsure if all the songs will play. I haven't tested it or seen other playlists linked like this.
When I first started taking my medicine again, I noticed a difference, it was actually helping. Though I may have seemed lifeless, I felt better. But wait... I felt dead, and looked alive before I was taking the medicine, now I look lifeless but I feel more alive? What I mean by looking lifeless is I'm more distant, I'm pale, It takes me longer to grasp whats being asked of me. To me it seems as if my skin is looser, and my bones show more, like I'm a rotting fruit almost.
My thinking isn't clear, my consciousness is terrible. Sadly that is one of the said effect. I may become less conscious, to the point it's hard to remember the name of a face I know. The other day at work, it had to of been about a week ago now. Someone mentioned my bosses name. It took me a minute to put a face to the name. I don't like to admit that is what the medicine is doing to me, but I can't hide from reality. I have to accept that no matter what medicine I seek, there will be pros and cons.
Right now I'm trying a vitamin I brought from my local herb shop. Not many people are, or use to be big into herbal remedies, perhaps that's just where I live. The point is though there are people who don't believe herbs work, they are just placebos in a sense. My family didn't really believe stuff like that worked. I get the impression my dad still doesn't believe they work, even though they've worked miracles on people he knows.
I'm hoping this vitamin will work so I can get off this dreadful anti-depressant. The shopkeeper my mom talked to however said many people who take this see differences within roughly ten minutes. It has been around ten hours since I've taken it, so far nothing. I will continue to take it until I run out. If I don't see any changes by then, I'm not swallowing anymore of my money.
Many wander why I don't work on easing off the medicine I'm on now, if I'm getting the side effects I am. Well this is the post I was hoping to get to a few days ago. My anxiety; I feel, is getting much worse, second by second, day by day. There is nothing I can do to prevent the thoughts I'm having. Most of the time they are meaningless, but to me everything hold meaning, it's just as precious as whom we worship. Everything hold equal meaning to me as strange as that may sound. It's hard to explain too, because if something upsets me, I'm not upset by everything I see. The easiest way to explain it is again like a religion. There are times of doubt, joyous, anger, sorrow, and you name it. I look at a piece of paper, and that isn't all I see. I see much more out of it.
Those however aren't the thoughts keeping me on the medicine. To other these my seem pointless, meaningless, or even odd defying. So what am I getting all worked up over? I never really got a chance to explain why I think I have severe OCD, at least not that I can remember. It's sad when you go from the "go to guy" for remembering things to not even remembering what you just did five minutes ago. All because of this medicine...
With time cut short, I wont add much about this, but OCD runs in the family I suppose. Add that along with kids shutting you out from school; I really only had one friend my enter school career, while others used me, and Verbal abuse, and some may even call it abuse, which is something I will get into, it's the part I'm dreading in "My Senior Year" story. It's got to come out someway or another. My parents my not be happy with it, but they ask and told me if I needed their help than they would help me. This blog, and being free to talk about things of my past and present anonymously, is helping me.
The thoughts; before I get sidetracked again, that are causing me to stay on this medicine aren't very settling to me. I don't care if they mean nothing to you, or if you have it worse (someone will always have it worse, but NO ONE will have it the worst). I like to think of everyone's well-being or experiences are fairly equal in their own way, and petty the foolish who think they have it worse than everyone around them. Everyone deals with pain in a unique way, to believe no one has it as bad as you is just pathetic in my opinion.
The grim reaper follows me by my side, wherever I go. I constantly think of scenarios, where I think someone will die, right in front of me. When I'm riding along with someone, I can't get the images out of my head that, the car passing by will swerve into us, or if the roads are icy/wet, I just know we are going to flip. These thoughts never come to cease. Thoughts racing, I think of multiple scenarios of what I would do in such a situation. Who will I save first? Who got hurt worse? Who is still alive? How will I keep them alive until help arrives? You know just the basic worries of being on the road, or wait these thoughts aren't normal?
My parents think I don't want to drive because I'm worried of being a threat to others, but that's not what I'm worried about. I believe it's more or less, a fear of death. Any situation that may hold the reapers touch, I try my best to avoid it. I use to enjoy mowing, but now I don't. I fear machinery. Anything with an engine to be more precise.
The other day, riding home from work in my car with my dad. I don't quite remember what caused these thoughts, but all I can remember was, again playing the scenario of getting in a wreck. I think my dad way drive fast or maybe it's just the fact I fear my dads driving. However I thought he might flip the car or something like that. So what I was thinking was. The car flipped twice, and we were both in poor condition. He doesn't know that my medicine thins my blood, so I tell him a message I want him to pass on to the rest of the family in my dying words as I tell him I know I won't make it, because my blood is thin. The message of course is the cliche "I love you".
That is why I'm going to stay on my medicine. As I know it hasn't helped with the unwanted thoughts, I do know it has slowed my thinking down. Meaning less unwanted thoughts. Those who don't know much about OCD, unwanted thoughts can't be controlled. I have a lot of them with the medicine, God only knows how much worse I will get off the medicine.
About a week ago, I know I shouldn't have, but I did a bit more research into OCD. I already knew I had a mild form of it. Though the more and more I read up on it, I was beginning to think it's a bit worse than I first thought. I originally was thinking I had OCD mixed with social anxiety, mainly because I'm a fairly anti-social person.
What I was reading was OCD causes people to be less social, mostly do to unwanted thoughts. I was talking to an friend I use to work with about it to see what he thought and all that. Later on in the conversation I ended up asking him if I should keep a journal, in which he said wouldn't hurt. Impatiently waiting for his response though, I had already started jotting compulsions and unwanted thoughts.
It didn't take me long to fill a page, but that was to be understood. I just got done looking something up which put a lot on my mind, along with what I was already thinking before hand. I felt compelled to look it up. I don't know why looking up OCD even came to mind, I wasn't worried about it or anything, I just thought, why not look it up.
I had looked it up at least once before; a friend of mind told me he had severe OCD. He was the type of person who just makes stuff up to get attention, so I didn't really believe him, and I don't remember if I believed him after I looked it up or not. Now that I refreshed my mind over it, I do see him having it, along with myself.
I'm mainly keeping the journal for something the doctor can look over, and hopefully it will help a diagnoses. Normally I wouldn't do that, but I have heard before and quite a bit after I hit twenty that. Some anxiety worsens when someone is in their twenties. It is becoming harder and harder for me to talk to people, even those I already communicate with.
With a loss of word, I normally find myself speechless to everyday conversations, like "How are you?" or "What did you do today?" Typically I'm short with phrases like those anyways, but I'm even more so now. Instead of answering I often pretend I didn't hear it, or even go as far as making it seem like I'm deaf, and just looking around which I just so happen to look in their direction than gaze off.
My main worry with this really isn't that I'm having a harder time communicating with people. Obviously I'm doing just fine with it now, but it's the unwanted thoughts I'm worried about... they seem to be getting worse. Going from thoughts of just someone is outside or watching you, they have turned into someone is out to get you, and they are trying to kill you sort of thoughts.
I also have a great sense of worry when I drive, I worry about hurting other people, but that's normal, those aren't the thoughts that I feel are unnecessary. The thoughts of someone trying to force me into a wreck are the thoughts that worry me, because I'm overly cautious, I pay attention to one car, were as to everyone on the road, sometimes I switch between cards, but I can't help but feel someone is after me. Though those aren't all of what I think, or feel like I'm being told.
It truly does feel like someone is telling me these thoughts. At first I speculated I may be developing schizophrenia. One of the things I saw while researching, was OCD is commonly mistaking with schizophrenia from a minority perspective. Other thought I commonly have are I'm unwanted and I don't matter and what not. Some days it is hard to deal with, so I turn to my music to think. I'm hoping to return to my writing here soon, but I feel I'm not good with the creative part of writing.
Being told writers should read; me being a writer who doesn't read. I feel now I have to read to be a good writer, and I understand why, but I can't read. I can't stand doing the same thing or feel stuck in one place for time on end. I enjoy reading, but as long as it's longer than a fifteen minute read, I feel to claustrophobic.
There is the reason I have decided to to keep a journal. So far, not so good. I feel like even with the journal the doctor may think I'm faking it just due to recent happenings of people thinking I'm faking my "issues". I was put on pretty strong medicine when I was first diagnosed with anxiety, and I'm still on strong medicine to this day, but a different one. It's not like I can taking anything weaker, because it doesn't have any effects on me. While I was taking my medicine a few weeks ago, I still felt very anti-social which worries me. I'm hoping that the thoughts die down while I'm on the medicine, if not than I may need to try something stronger, which I really don't want.
Hopefully everyone enjoyed the nicer weather today! I didn't, I enjoyed a nice day playing video games with the friend that came over. Though I did get a few more pictures for Opachii's Photography. Can't wait to start posting in that blog again!
There really isn't a whole lot that helps me control my anxiety, I just hide the fact I'm suffering from it. Perhaps me hiding it is what causing my headaches, because I'm bottling everything up, who knows? The reason why I keep my anxious moments to myself is because I don't like feeling weak. If I'm going though something I don't often like to ask for help, to me that is admitting that I'm not strong enough to to deal with my own stuff.
The reason I don't like feeling weak is because I love helping people. I feel like if I need help than I'm not capable of helping those in need. I don't know why but that is just how I am. Me feeling helpless is one of the hardest things for me to control. I can't stand not being able to help. One person is enough to make a huge difference, often times I feel my help is enough to make the difference, it's a bit of a delusion I believe, but it's my motive to help.
Working helps me a LOT. Ever since I had that problem at work though, not only do I feel helpless, but I also feel like everyone there is out to get me now. I used work as an escape, and now I can't. I still like working there, it's just I can't control my anxiety like I use to, and there isn't anything to change that now. I like keeping busy in general, so I often try to find outside work around the house, but I don't have enough plants to care for that will keep me busy enough.
Getting called into work meant a lot to me. I was told several times I shouldn't come in if I feel compelled to, but I was able to help. I made a difference by showing up when they were short. I'v been there for a little over a year, so I'm pretty fast as just about job they offer. That allows me to not only hop back and forth between two different stations to helps those in need, but I can also handle depending on the situation, two stations on my own. That can really only happen though when there a few people and we have a small rush.
Other things that help my with my anxiety, one would definitely have to be music. I started off listening to country, mostly because that's what my parents listened to all the time. I'm still a big fan of John Denver and Alabama. It wasn't until mid-school I started getting into punk rock, well Green Day. After I was introduced to that magnificent band, that was all I ever listened to. Then I started getting into Linkin Park. My senior year was when I started getting into EDM, I listen to many sub genres of EDM, I don't even know them all, hands up is one though.
When I was in a bad mood or going through something, I would always turn to my piano; more so electric keyboard. It aloud me to escape from everything, and even play the music I enjoyed. The first song I learned was 21 Guns by Green Day, I remember learning it because I fell in love with the meaning of the song.
I still play the piano off and on, but not as much. It reminds me of bad times that have happened over the past. Learning something new is more of a chore than a joy. A lot of that to could be because I'm trying to hard to learn songs that are still challenging, like Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement by Beethoven or La Campanella from Liszt.
Writing use to be my biggest escape, obviously enough for me to right a book while trying to get through my senior year. It isn't very long, but still a lot of it had to do with what all was going on. I started off writing a fan-fiction of all the cartoons I use to watch when I was in third grade. I remember my teacher force me to choose a Rosetta stone card and write a story, I think the length had to be a page or something.
I didn't want to do it, I remember telling myself there was no way I could write a page about a red ball, which was the picture I chose. I decided to write about Spongebob and how he had lost a red ball, than it turned into more than just that; remember I was only ten when I wrote this story. The story evolved into an adventure going through all the shows I enjoyed watching at that time. Spongebob still being the main character. He was on a journey to find his lost possession.
I'm sure there are more things that have helped me though what little I'v lived, but I can't really think of anything so there may or may not be a second post to this. Anyways I hope everyone enjoyed their days! I was lucky enough to have a friend, that has been away for college, come over to hang out over his spring break. I so happen to be lucky enough to also get today off for work so everything worked out there! Until tomorrow, which I think if I'm brave enough I will go over a list of my fears and phobias.
Finally, after I don't know how long, it is here now. Not a whole lot to say on this due to the fact the picture kind of speaks for itself. I have been collecting Pokemon cards since I was around six or seven. I didn't actually buy most of these from the stores, many of the cards were found at yard sells. I'm a bit of a cheapskate, even when it comes to things I like.
I have roughly eight thousand cards now, it would be nice to have a lot more, but you can only find so many good deals. Believe it or not, I will go into more detail about this when I do my Collection post, but collecting/hording is a part of OCD, which a few weeks ago I knew I had some degree of it, but here lately I'v been wondering how bad it actually may be.
To those who don't know much about Pokemon cards, these are actually sorted by the printed sets, and even sorted from oldest to newest prints. The larger stacks hold all my duplicates, while the many small ones are the sets. I didn't believe how close I was to completing sets until I sorted them out. I'm only missing five cards to a set that is worth a pretty penny. and ten in two other sets that are worth just about the same.
One thing many don't realize is if you were to buy these in big lots or new from the store, you are more than likely to make, not much, but enough to at least cover the cost of what you bought them for. Depending on the cards even a profit. Sometimes the profit will be wide, sometimes it will be just a few pennies. Honestly it is like that with about any kind of card game, but I don't know anything out of the Pokemon world.
I was hoping to put them in binders before this post, however I started feeling fairly claustrophobic. Mainly because I was setting on the floor for hours on end trying to sort the cards out by number. I ended where there is a missing set. I started from the top of the picture and the stacks only get larger from there on out.
Buying new cards from the store, I'm unsure how long they have been doing this because I only recently got back into collecting, but within a pack of new cards, comes a online code for online cards. I have a little over a hundred codes meaning if I wanted to I could say I have closer to nine thousand cards, but that doesn't seem very legit. Also again I feel claustrophobic using/looking at my online cards, because I am limited to how I can sort them,
Spent most of last night thinking of stories I could tell. I don't normally share stories with people. Usually I would just listen to what stories others had to tell. I guess the older I got and the more I listened the less stories of my on I retained. So last night I was thinking back when my social anxiety/ OCD started. It had to of been around second grade. Anyways I remembered stories I could tell, several more in which some may have parts to or back links to old stories.
Though the pondering came at a bit of a price, my eyes were telling my mind to shut up or it would shoot, and my mind was all like YOLO. I didn't write any of the ideas down yet, I figured I would take a day, more than likely tomorrow and write a list of future stories, that I will post more than likely tomorrow. Still haven't sorted through all my cards. I didn't have a whole lot of time today, and tomorrow I'm not sure how much time I will have. That post will probably be up mid next week no later than late next week I'm hoping.
Anyways, what got me thinking was I was having problems with Netflix. I typically have Netflix playing in the background while I try to sleep just because I can focus on it more than I focus on thinking about stuff. Well I had forgotten the login information so I was without my fix for the night. I ended up getting tired of being tired so I got up and drew something. I will try to post it though I'm having problems with getting pictures off my phone for some reason. I might be able to add it later on from my phone. It is unfinished at the moment and will probably remain.
I like it, but for some reason I haven't been able to finish a drawing since I graduated, so two years ago. Personally I like unfinished drawings a bit better than finished ones. Not sure why they are just ab it more appealing to me. I have some finished ones that I really like, even ones with color that I spent hours on but they just are very inspiring to me.
I'm actually pretty excited to start telling some of my stories. Believe it or not once upon a time I was actually outgoing. Don't get me wrong I was still shy, but when I was around my friends I could care less how I was acting. Some of the stories I may have to skip out on though, I'm unsure because they may cause more problems on my end even though I don't mind sharing others may. I plan on doing a future content post tomorrow night, and Monday I'm unsure but I may talk a bit more about projects I'v been working on and starting to learn. Until tomorrow, I hope everyone has a pleasant rest of the night!
Often a panic attack an anxiety attack are used to describe the same thing, yet they are very different. I'v had both and I also get depressed to the point of a mental breakdown. Aside from OCD and Social anxiety I also suffer from something I like to keep from people even myself, MDD Major depression disorder. The thoughts never stop, no matter how happy I may seem. I may in fact need to start taking my medicine once again, because I don't have time to care for myself.
Work is what usually helps me with my depression because it keeps me busy, but with the problems I have been having more are being adding on. I stay because I'm comfortable there, it's hard for people to understand what I have and why they can't just treat me like a sack of shit, suicidal thoughts never leave my mind which for me is one thing I really don't want to admit to, but hey I'm still here. This post is becoming hard to type but it's just like every other day, I have to power through it.
When I explain to people why I can't do simple tasks they tell me I ask for petty, and that I want sympathy, or attention. They don't realize how hard it truly is for me to admit that I'm weak. If it things hadn't been pushed to the point to where I had to explain why, I wouldn't mention it. I hate sympathy, it just makes me feel even worse. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and treat me any different than what they were before the point of fining out. Nothing about me has changed other than the knowing of a disorder. If people would just take the time to understand rather than to point fingers maybe my anxiety wouldn't be at this point. It's getting worse everyday, because I am surrounded by people who you rather push me over the edge than to pull me up.
OCD isn't what many think it is. Yes I am a bit picky at how things are placed, but that alone isn't OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder means you feel like you need to repeat something until it feels right, or reoccurring thoughts that you try ever so hard to get rid of, but you can't. Do you know what it's like to think every day that your closest of friends don't want anything to do with you? My OCD isn't terribly bad but still enough I struggle with it on a daily basis. My biggest problem with OCD would be the unwanted thoughts, some of the things that stick in my mind I don't even know how they came about.
Social anxiety is exactly what it sounds like. Sometimes it becomes hard for me to look the very few people I trust in the eyes. I'm very quite, and avoid talking to people as much as I can. I remember just a few weeks ago I was at walmart with my my and she wasn't paying attention to the greeter who had asked us how we were doing, I just looked at him and shrugged my shoulders, it was humiliating. On top of that an intense worry of him thinking I was rude overwhelmed me, and by the time I got the courage to answer it would have been awkward to say anything. A lot of times when I do talk to people I trust or feel comfortable talking to I always feel the need to explain myself, even if there isn't anything to explain. I like being in public but I don't like being around people. It's hard to explain but I'm very claustrophobic so any chance I get to get out or away from my normal surroundings I will take it.
Here lately I'v been struggling with my depression, I feel unwanted, like everyone hates me, like everything is my fault, which when put in perspective at least in my eyes, it really does seem like everything's been my fault. I don't like mentioning to people when I'm struggling like this but most of the time when I do I'm ignored making everything just dandy, not really, but I need some sense of humor embedded withing these articles. It looks like I pulled through this breakdown or panic attack or what ever you want to call it, I just hate being in that state of mind.
Severe Anxiety typically comes with depression, the way these two disorders effect me I guess depends on the day. Here lately my insomnia has been pretty bad, I can go to bed at 10-11 but wont actually get to sleep until 4-5 in the morning if I even get to sleep. When I do fall asleep I often have night terrors, I use to wake up, not screaming because I have trained myself to be as quite as a rogue. Really though I don't make a lot of noise even when walked, I am often told I need a bell, I don't want to be noticed.
Aside from having problems with sleeping, I also often fear someone is out to get me or is watching my every move. I become irritable and tend to overreacted to meaningless situations. If more of those I am around would understand this is out of my control. Than maybe I wouldn't get in as depressed of a state as I get in, and they could help reassure me and pick me up when I'm in this state. It isn't hard to do just don't provoke me to think you are out to get me or that I'm unwanted. The same day I was told be the manager I needed to answer the phone she had also said that I was unless filling in for people who knew how to. Funny thing is not many people there have as bad of anxiety as I do and can answer the phone. One person isn't that big of a difference plus I have a valid reason for why I can't.
I know this post may seem a bit unorganized but I have a difficult time keeping a straight thought.
