Nothing Helps

     Listen to this life saving song. It may not be to you but to me it means everything. People look at the music I listen to and think it's obnoxious and annoying, but I don't let them get to me, because it helps me. If it wasn't for this music I probably wouldn't be around anymore. Why songs like these appeal to me more than "normal" music is because people who suffer, just like I do make these songs. They poor everything into what they make. I know it may be hard for people who don't normally listen to this music understand the meaning of these songs, but the point is they help.

     The last few days, probably closer to a week now I've been trying different things I can use to help with my depression. My anxiety really isn't all that bad, or maybe it is worse than I think. It's hard to tell from unwanted thoughts caused by OCD, or just bad thoughts from depression. All I know is one of the two if not both are getting worse.

     I use to go a few days without having to many problems. Yeah I would still get depressed and my OCD would kick in if things weren't where they normally were at work, but that I got use to. I'd have to say the last two or three weeks I've been fighting so hard not to show I'm having troubles. It's getting to the point to where it's hard to hold the tears back. Why am I  upset? I have no clue, I just get so overwhelmed, nothing causes it. It sucks you know? I can't live a normal life, people ridicule those who suffer like I do. All I have to say to others who don't have this dreadful disorder is it's completely out of our control. Trust me if I could live just one day not because depression and anxious I would.

     I've talked to my mom more about it and I was put on Xanax when I was ten, I'm twenty now. It wasn't an everyday pill like the one I'm on now, but still. I was TEN when I was put on medication that doctors don't prescribe to kids at that age. Hell it's not even that common for someone in their twenties to be on the medicine I'm on now. Normally I wouldn't put a name to the medicine I'm on, but I can make an acception   this time.

     What I'm trying now, I know wont work, and it's not because I'm being doubtful. I've tried it before and it hasn't helped. I went to herbal remedies, only instead of looking them up on my own, I went to a local herb shop. The first thing they gave me only worked for nervous feelings. The way I understood it when I was being told what it did, was the vitamin is mean more for generalized anxiety, not OCD. I bought it anyways because at this point I'm willing to try anything to stop me from feeling this way.

     I feel useless so I try my hardest to do the best and be the best, but that's not enough for me. I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I mess everything up and screw relationships between people I care about. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I just mess things up, and make life harder on those around me. The only thing that is helping me stay alive is this music and helping people at this point. A vitamin supplement isn't the only thing I've tried however. I'm also trying lavender oil which it works, but once it wares off I'm a bigger mess than what I was before smelt it. 

Blogoholic!

     Not only am I workoholic but it turns out I'm a bit of a blogholoic too. I guess I just love keeping myself. If I'm not working I normally either think of new blogs I can make, or I try to find content for the blogs I already have. Some blogs it's harder to find interesting post worthy content others not so much. I currently got done with gathering screen shots for one of my guide blogs. Turns out I have enough screenshots to cover well over 60 posts, which is nice and all I just need to find the time to add wording in with the pictures than I'm good to go.

     I currently have 10 blogs only 6 of which I manage, and that still isn't enough! There is so much more I would love to blog about and with as organized of a person as I am, a few blogs simply wont do. Plus it is always nice to keep different groups separate. I don't want a Terraria fan based community interfering with my World of Warcraft fan based community, it allows other people to feel a bit more comfortable and welcomed.

     Anyways not only do I have 10 blogs to my name, I also have few ideas for other blogs... just a few -.-. I have written down because only God would remember them if I don't write them down. I have thought about doing a movie review channel. I'm not sure if I will be doing one or not because the only thing I really ever watch is Family Guy, every now and then American Dad or Futurama. My idea behind the blog was I can't seem to watch a movie all the way through without criticizing it at some point. I would have gone over the parts that I enjoyed and gave input in what I thought would have made parts I didn't like better. A writing exercise for me nonetheless.

     A steam game review once crossed my mind as I don't really like playing games because they are games, I am fairly picky with what I choose to stare at, I like a lot of creativity in the games I play. A good story more than anything. There are a decent amount of games within the steam library that are under five dollars and I figured "Why not review these games to help others find games they may enjoy" Rather or not it will happen I'm not sure. To be honest I'm not much of a gamer.

     This one I'm still pondering over. It is something I would really like to do and my brother has opt to help me with some of the content, though it isn't something I would like to just through together and call it good. I'm very much so into EDM, electronic dance music, I found a demo version of the studio many of the well known DJ's and artists use. Though limited to a various amount of sounds, it is still enough I should be able to come up with my own music which would be cool to be known as DJ Opachii, but that is only a dream as of today.

     Now I have mentioned before that I own a nature photography blog, Opachii's Photography. Though one thing that crossed my mind one day while seeing an adult coloring book on my grandmothers table. Why not turn some of my photo's into coloring pages? This is something I do plan on doing though I have only found one way of turning my photo's into coloring pages and I'm not to fond of the way they turn out. I may draw them and try to get a bit more of a cartoon style, but as of now I just need to find a better way to transform them.

     Okay so I think a bit to much sometimes... all the time perhaps. Since I haven't been writing, why let my ideas go to waste? I would definitally have to be careful about this and not give to much detail, but I would simply turn some of the ideas I'v jotted down into prompts. I don't really have enough written down, key word written. I can be a bit forgetful sometimes, but I don't have enough content to start a blog at the moment though it would really take a day of brain storming and I could have a few hundred prompts.

     This will be one I would do in the future more so when my blogs become a bit more popular due to the fact it would be nothing to the people I help if they aren't getting any views off it. A promotion blog is something I feel a bit compelled to do. Mostly because I know how hard promoting can be. It would be a few promotion site of course, and I'm undecided how I want to find my content for this blog. I could just do it to be nice and help a small youtube channel, or I could take application type things and promote one person a week. Either way I feel it would be fun to do something like this.

     If you struggle with synonyms as much as I do than this might just be a blog you would want to check out. I have a pretty small vocabulary, probably because I don't enjoy reading... a writer who doesn't read, how odd. I have been gathering synonyms I use in my stories to create a word of the day blog. I often find myself with an open tab saying "synonym for" just in case I feel like I should spice up the sentence structure. I normally do it for my blogs too, but this one I feel like I should try to work on it on my own instead of using the interwebz.

     These will end up being separate blogs because of course both communities don't get along all the time, but I plan on doing a card opening blog for not only Pokemon (Yes I still collect Pokemon cards) and Magic to Gathering. Often you will find videos over people opening card pack, how this is entertaining? *Shrug*. I was recently looking up to see if any one else has a blog over such a thing and I didn't find any. I thought that since I don't like talking taking pictures would be a good way to go about doing this.

     As you are aware I'm doing a bit better today, hence the tasteful humor. I'm sure there will be many other blogs I dream to start, I know there was one that I guess I didn't write down. :O I remembered something... I enjoy baking oddly enough so I thought about blogging recipes I make. I would take a picture of the finished product and probably rate how easy or hard it was to make for people just starting off. Hopefully everyone had as wonderful of a day as I did!        

Hands Up, a Uplifting Genre of Music

     Hands up music is one of the biggest things that helps me get through life. Typically I can't go a day without the music or well if I do I struggle with depression and just seem irritable over the smallest things. The creativity put into creating this kind of music is very uplifting and can be done by anyone with the right software. I use FL Studios though I haven't made anything... yet. Some of the current DJ's/ Artists I'v gotten into are K-391, Alan Walker also known as DJ Walkzz, and DJ Ness.

     I listen to this music a lot when I write because it's fairly inspiring to me. I see things more clearly and it opens up my mind. Hands up all together just puts me in a peaceful state of mind all together. A big part as to why I don't have my licence yet, isn't just because anxiety but I also can't listen to this type of music, I don't have a way to play it through my stereo yet.

     When I don't want to be around others yet want to feel like someone is there beside me, this is the music I listen to. The words and meanings to some of the songs are powerful, at least for someone like me who overthinks everything. The song Faded, by Alan Walker means a lot to me as the lyrics are well crafted, and the song Universe by K-391 as a drop that fits perfectly with the lyrics. This genre of music is just very... uplifting.

     Many people of my family and friends believe I like listening to music load just because it blocks out everyone else or because I enjoy load bass, which I do like those pros to listening to music but I love the vibration my heart can beat to. That could be why I love the piano as much as I do, there is just something about noise that fades in and out that I like. I guess I would be one of those people in my sporty car you can feel coming down the road miles before I reach your vicinity.