Things That Help Me

     There really isn't a whole lot that helps me control my anxiety, I just hide the fact I'm suffering from it. Perhaps me hiding it is what causing my headaches, because I'm bottling everything up, who knows? The reason why I keep my anxious moments to myself is because I don't like feeling weak. If I'm going though something I don't often like to ask for help, to me that is admitting that I'm not strong enough to to deal with my own stuff.

     The reason I don't like feeling weak is because I love helping people. I feel like if I need help than I'm not capable of helping those in need. I don't know why but that is just how I am. Me feeling helpless is one of the hardest things for me to control. I can't stand not being able to help. One person is enough to make a huge difference, often times I feel my help is enough to make the difference, it's a bit of a delusion I believe, but it's my motive to help. 

     Working helps me a LOT. Ever since I had that problem at work though, not only do I feel helpless, but I also feel like everyone there is out to get me now. I used work as an escape, and now I can't. I still like working there, it's just I can't control my anxiety like I use to, and there isn't anything to change that now. I like keeping busy in general, so I often try to find outside work around the house, but I don't have enough plants to care for that will keep me busy enough. 

     Getting called into work meant a lot to me. I was told several times I shouldn't come in if I feel compelled to, but I was able to help. I made a difference by showing up when they were short. I'v been there for a little over a year, so I'm pretty fast as just about job they offer. That allows me to not only hop back and forth between two different stations to helps those in need, but I can also handle depending on the situation, two stations on my own. That can really only happen though when there a few people and we have a small rush. 

     Other things that help my with my anxiety, one would definitely have to be music. I started off listening to country, mostly because that's what my parents listened to all the time. I'm still a big fan of John Denver and Alabama. It wasn't until mid-school I started getting into punk rock, well Green Day. After I was introduced to that magnificent band, that was all I ever listened to. Then I started getting into Linkin Park. My senior year was when I started getting into EDM, I listen to many sub genres of EDM, I don't even know them all, hands up is one though. 

     When I was in a bad mood or going through something, I would always turn to my piano; more so electric keyboard. It aloud me to escape from everything, and even play the music I enjoyed. The first song I learned was 21 Guns by Green Day, I remember learning it because I fell in love with the meaning of the song. 

     I still play the piano off and on, but not as much. It reminds me of bad times that have happened over the past. Learning something new is more of a chore than a joy. A lot of that to could be because I'm trying to hard to learn songs that are still challenging, like Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement by Beethoven or La Campanella from Liszt. 

     Writing use to be my biggest escape, obviously enough for me to right a book while trying to get through my senior year. It isn't very long, but still a lot of it had to do with what all was going on. I started off writing a fan-fiction of all the cartoons I use to watch when I was in third grade. I remember my teacher force me to choose a Rosetta stone card and write a story, I think the length had to be a page or something. 

     I didn't want to do it, I remember telling myself there was no way I could write a page about a red ball, which was the picture I chose. I decided to write about Spongebob and how he had lost a red ball, than it turned into more than just that; remember I was only ten when I wrote this story. The story evolved into an adventure going through all the shows I enjoyed watching at that time. Spongebob still being the main character. He was on a journey to find his lost possession. 

     I'm sure there are more things that have helped me though what little I'v lived, but I can't really think of anything so there may or may not be a second post to this. Anyways I hope everyone enjoyed their days! I was lucky enough to have a friend, that has been away for college, come over to hang out over his spring break. I so happen to be lucky enough to also get today off for work so everything worked out there! Until tomorrow, which I think if I'm brave enough I will go over a list of my fears and phobias.  

My Senior Year Part 1 (The Beginning)

     I'm not sure if the next few posts will be the continuing part or not. Part of me whats to just go ahead and type it all out while I have it mostly fresh on my mind. Another part of me wants to build the suspense and give my readers a little bit more than just a post a day to look forward to. As devastating of a year it was for me, it is a story I oddly enough can't wait to share. I think part of my wants people to realize just how much a bottle things up, and hide my true feelings.

     The year started off as a normal year. I woke up early in the morning to set in a building for seven hours, and walk in between periods. This of all years was the year I thought to myself "Okay this is my last year, I want to actually try" and I did, at first anyways. I remember walking into every one of my classes, just ready to learn.

     My favorite class being piano which took place early in the morning. Piano is my life, I love listening to it, and I can't stand not being able to play it. When I'm down or had a bad day at school, it was my go to thing. Many didn't know how well I played, I still don't consider myself very good, but what happened after the day of that class was just completely awe-inspiring. It made my day.

     In that classroom there is a piano hidden behind two heavy wooden doors. It was the first day and everyone who was in that class just took the time to catch up. Me not having any friends in that class at the time, decided I would take the time to go play the piano, it was an upright piano, so I wasn't able to put headphones in. Normally I would put headphones in, but I love acoustic pianos, so I made an exception in that class. It after all wasn't the first time I took that class.

     I hadn't  paid attention to see if the doors had closed behind me, because the sound of the piano didn't normally carry to far into the classroom. I remember thinking of all the songs I knew how to play, at that time I think I played bits and pieces to a few Coldplay and Linkin Park songs. It had been a while since I had played an acoustic piano, so I was a bit shook up worrying if anyone had heard me. I guess everyone was done catching up in the other room so that had just been quite most of the time. They were listening to me play.

     I walk into the room were everyone else is and the all just start clapping. Of course this was the year I was planning on being a bit more submissive about my playing, mostly because many other students would get nervous on days of recitals after I played. No one wanted to go first and I always wanted to get it done and over with.

     After that day, things just got better. I loved the classes I was taking, not only challenging but also fun. I really enjoyed being in piano class though. It was the first year when someone who was better than me liked listening to me play. Not only was she good at playing the piano she was also very winsome. I had never really talked to a girl before, so it was an interesting experience for me... I remember one day she told me to just play.

     A few weeks pass and something just feels off, like nothing was real. I had never been so happy to be in school. I felt for the first time like people notified me as a person and not a cure for their unfortunate lives. I really only had one friend throughout my school life, everyone else just made fun of me, they didn't like me. Starting off a new year as a new person went so well at first than it all took a turn for the worse.

     He was more of an acquaintance than a friend, but now I consider him a friend. This person had been the biggest bully throughout my school career, and why I still associated with him was because not only was he a bully but he also came to me for help. It also may have something to do with the fact he and I both played World of Warcraft and I was his gold provider, so he had to be nice to me.

     I don't remember when he first started missing school, because he always seemed to me like the person who skip out a bit, or just not be where he was suppose to be all the time. Weeks had gone by and he would, at first, go to the nurse almost everyday he was at school, at least when I saw him. Of course I thought he was faking it, but then again him and I never really talked so I didn't know what was going on at the time.

     Later in the year he vanished from school all together, and showed up on a few occasions. In the mean time from what I had heard, he was going to the doctors because he was having really bad migraines. I think he was put on medicines in which wouldn't work, missing even more school, and more doctor visits. It was a dark and gloomy day for me and his friends when we found out what was going on. I was there with him as much as I could be, and helped him every step of the way.


     I'm awful I know, this post is already fairly long and I figured instead of starting were I originally wanted, I would start at the beginning of the year and show that it wasn't all that bad of a year. I suppose I also wanted to introduce a bit of moment of despair sort of tone. Everything is all peachy and well, then all of a sudden not anymore. Hopefully everyone enjoy the nice weather we had today! I know I sure did. Even though I was to tired to be out and about after work today.