My Senior Year Part 5 (Rise of the Furtive Leviathan‎)

     It has been a while since I have gotten around to the next "chapter" to this story. A bit of a recap of what happen previously was a friend ended up getting a cancerous tumor, another one of my friends dad past, and I lost another one of my friends because I believe he was jealous. What I'm about to type, isn't something I'm thrilled to type. It's a part of the story I wished out of everything would have never happened, because I now look at people differently all from one conversation with my parents. I had severe anxiety before this, but my social life was greater than what it was before this event. I have always been to scared to do anything I would regret later on. If I had to pick one thing a regretted the most, would be this. Someone I thought cared about me enough to not harm me or make matters worse, did just the opposite. Now I can't look at anyone without the fear of them turning on me.

     What makes this harder to talk about is if he found out I published something like this, I wouldn't pass it by him to kick me out of the house. He use to show his love throw violence and as I thought that came to an end. This day, it was I believe before or after Christmas, this day however showed me that person was still in him. Only worse, what he did to me had never happened before. I shed tears of worry as I'm not sure what he will do when he reads this if he does.

     I'm not making him out to be the person he isn't, but I'm also not making him out to be someone people see him as. It is your opinion of who you want him to be not mine. He has done me wrong not you. I have learned to live past his mistakes, I'm sure everyone who reads this can too. It isn't your place to tell someone they are in the wrong if the people they've wrong get past the horrid experiences.

    Not many people know this happened, but that is normally the way it goes. If it wasn't for the fact my mom was as horrified as me, things probably would be better. I've not even started the story and it's already really hard to talk about, because it's something I tried to forget and haven't thought about for a while. All I have to say is I was lucky it wasn't any worse.

   
     While I was putting up with everything on my own, I have this thought about homeschooling. I really liked the idea, because I wasn't just fighting for my friends, I was also fighting for myself. Putting up with bullies and problems from the friend I recently lost, school was a place I didn't want to go to anymore. I didn't want to talk to any of the staff members whatsoever. I felt like they were all against me and wanted me to suffer.  My mom says to wait for my dad, then we would discuss it.

     My dad wasn't to keen on the idea. I wasn't even certain if it's what I wanted. I just wanted to throw it out there to see what they thought. I was telling them all the pros of what homeschooling does for those who partake it. My dad would come up with something to counterattack everything I said. All of a sudden he knows EVERYTHING about homeschooling. I've looked it up a few times before this conversation. Probably a few weeks before hand. Even if I wasn't able to attend this, I still enjoyed learning more about it. I love learning and teaching myself new things.

     The discussion turned into an argument? It ended up being if I pay for the process than I would be able to do this. But around the same time I kept repeating myself I will just continue going to school, because I didn't want to argue. I can't be around people yelling, I just can't! And my dad is the reason why. He gets upset over the stupidest of things, and isn't reasonable about how he attends to handle them. Problem with that is... I'm almost just as bad, because that is how I was raised. (I will do more stories about this later on.)

     I don't like being like that and anytime I can avoid getting put in a situation I feel I will be unreasonable I will. For the most part I can control it now, but every now and then I have my moments of weakness.

     I was trying my best to avoid the yelling. I kept saying I'm done I will just go to school. After saying it a few times I then get up. Biggest mistake I've ever made, even though I did nothing wrong! All I did was stood up... my dad launches at me. The look in his eyes, I had never seen it before. Soulless is about the best I can do to describe it. I didn't see the father I knew anymore.

     Not sure what was going to happen from there, I put my hands up near my chest as I swore he was going to beat the shit out of me. Sad thing is, I wasn't the only one there who thought the same thing. Everything just happened so fast. I put my hands up and next thing I know I'm being thrown full force into the couch. I tried to get up, again he through me again when I was about halfway up. That time I hit my neck fairly hard on the wooden support board on the back of the couch. I'm not sure if anyone has accidentally hit one of the boards in a couch, but they are hard. It's almost like lightly hitting yourself with a golf club, which too hurts.

     My mom rushes over begging and pulling my dad to get off me. He still had that look in his eyes. What did I do that was so bad, that he had to not only charge at me, but throw me into the couch? All I did was stood up. Hell I could have been stretching for all he knew, actually I was getting up to get a drink, but still. After everyone was somewhat settled down, and everything was all processed. My dad clams I was going to hit him. One it would have been out of defense, you don't charge at someone that fierce without intending harm.

     I'm not him so it's unclear to me rather or not that was the case. I believe he was using the fact I put my hands up as an accuse to go even further to throw me. I mean It seems legit. I did put my hands up... in a defense stance, but I know my dad and the family line he came from. I didn't at the time but he recently revealed it, well about a year ago. I think my mom saved me from what really would of happened. If you saw my dads eyes, you would probably think the same thing.

     My dads response to throwing me against the couch was he was protecting the rest of the family. I'm sorry but how stupid do you think my mom and I are? I'm the weakest of the five of us in the house. Well my little sister is weaker than me but I'm still pretty weak. I've never thrown a punch, and I've never sought physical actions to solve my problems, clearly my dad has. After the ordeal and my dad was else where I told my mom that if he ever did something like that again I'm calling the cops to protect the rest of my family. He could have told the police what he thought was going to happen, but he charging at me would have been enough for them to see I was defending myself. You don't charge at someone and say you were defending yourself unless they have a ranged weapon and clearly plan on using it on you.

     There for a while I couldn't look at my dad, I couldn't be in the same room as him, I didn't even want to be home if he was. He promised me that what he did would make us closer, in which I agreed even knowing that wasn't true. It's been two years since the incident and I can't look at him the way I did before.

     Before the conversation I had mentioned that I had major trust issues and that I can't trust anyone anymore. I don't remember what brought that up, but my dad was telling me I can't let the friend who deserted me bring me down. He wasn't though, I even told my dad he wasn't why I have trust issues. No one has influenced the perspective of trust for me. Deep down I've known I've always had trust issues. My dad wasn't to thrilled when he found out I can't even trust him... the was reason to why I didn't. all he did was proved it even more. 

My Senior Year Part 4 (Duplicity)

     A friend, one of my best friends that I had known for roughly four, five years. He had gotten me into anime. All he ever talked about was the Japanese cartoons, he lived for it. Around 10th grade, he had gotten me into drawing, which I talked about a bit in My Artistic Phase. Well he always did seem a bit jealous of my drawings, and criticized where criticism wasn't needed, and pointed out very minor details. Something a bit like "this is a little to big" or this "line is a little off". At first I couldn't tell of his envious. I just started  drawing, so I took his criticism as a complement to better my projects.

     It got to the point in 11th grade, where he was just rude. He always said he was a blunt person, but there is a difference between being blunt and just being flat out rude. Bully would be the correct label for him if I wasn't his friend. Judging people left and right, while getting offended by the littlest of things. He was right, he was ominous, no one could ever be better than he. 

     I couldn't stand it anymore, so I had thought about not being friends with him anymore. Venting to my best friend in which we shared this friend. I had voiced my thoughts, I don't think my best friend intended this, he has a neutral type personality.  Some how though it came up to the friend we share, that I didn't want to be his friend anymore. I don't remember how it all went down, but I remember him wanting to call me. 

     This was after another incident where I was mad at him. While I was playing Xbox with the two (I'm not a big gamer, so that was the first and only time I had played with them). He kicked me from the group as we were all grouped in an online lobby. I text my best friend to find out what was going on, and he didn't really know at first, and said it was the friend we shared. So I end up texting him to find out why and I was pretty upset, I blew up on him. He called me and said it was because I was being a smart alack, which he had been use to, that's my personality. 

     He called me however after he read the message I sent him to the whole lobby online. Of course I was livid, it was uncalled for. It took me almost two weeks I believe to answer his call. He called me a couple times everyday until I answered. All he wanted to say was he didn't want to be friends anymore because I put on a mask, changing my personality to please everyone. I don't and I will go over a post of why it may seem like I do. To me though, that was just a waste of time. Why call someone that many times just to tell them something that could have been done over a text? I obviously didn't want to talk to him. 

     I guess I should mention this all happened over the summer finishing 11th and heading to 12th. We ended up being in piano class the next year, 11th grade. Him and the friend I was talking about in part 2 of this story shared the class. I don't remember if we text each other over this, or if it was just something discussed in piano class, but we ended up becoming friends again.  All I have to say was big mistake there. His true colors didn't show until our friend from part two of my story got cancer. 

     Not able to speak for someone else, I will go over what I saw from my perspective. After Thanksgiving he seemed shorter with me, which I thought was weird, it was around the same time I really started hanging out/ being their for HIS best friend. Where he grew more distant. Around Christmas, I'm thinking it was Christmas break he didn't want to be my friend anymore. Of course I was upset once again, though not really supersized, though he did it when I needed him the most. Our friend was going through tough times which was emotionally draining to all his friends, and my other friend just recently lost his father. 

     Things only got harder though as I wanted to be home schooled. I was having troulbles with bullies, and not having many friends, it was almost pointless for me to go to school. I wasn't even looking up homeschooling and had seen that kids who get home schooled normally are more creative. That was all I needed to hear, I love being creative. So I decided to talk about it with my parents when things turned for the worse. I just got done thinking things could only get better on from here on out, but the just wasn't the case. 

     Here ends this chapter, and begins the next. I'm not sure when I will get the rest of this story typed. I'm heading home tomorrow sometime in the morning and wont be getting home until late. Also I'm not sure if I will be posting anything tomorrow just due to the stress and being tired from the ride. If I do happen to get a post out, it will probably consist of a few pictures taken, and how things went.   

My Senior Year Part 1 (The Beginning)

     I'm not sure if the next few posts will be the continuing part or not. Part of me whats to just go ahead and type it all out while I have it mostly fresh on my mind. Another part of me wants to build the suspense and give my readers a little bit more than just a post a day to look forward to. As devastating of a year it was for me, it is a story I oddly enough can't wait to share. I think part of my wants people to realize just how much a bottle things up, and hide my true feelings.

     The year started off as a normal year. I woke up early in the morning to set in a building for seven hours, and walk in between periods. This of all years was the year I thought to myself "Okay this is my last year, I want to actually try" and I did, at first anyways. I remember walking into every one of my classes, just ready to learn.

     My favorite class being piano which took place early in the morning. Piano is my life, I love listening to it, and I can't stand not being able to play it. When I'm down or had a bad day at school, it was my go to thing. Many didn't know how well I played, I still don't consider myself very good, but what happened after the day of that class was just completely awe-inspiring. It made my day.

     In that classroom there is a piano hidden behind two heavy wooden doors. It was the first day and everyone who was in that class just took the time to catch up. Me not having any friends in that class at the time, decided I would take the time to go play the piano, it was an upright piano, so I wasn't able to put headphones in. Normally I would put headphones in, but I love acoustic pianos, so I made an exception in that class. It after all wasn't the first time I took that class.

     I hadn't  paid attention to see if the doors had closed behind me, because the sound of the piano didn't normally carry to far into the classroom. I remember thinking of all the songs I knew how to play, at that time I think I played bits and pieces to a few Coldplay and Linkin Park songs. It had been a while since I had played an acoustic piano, so I was a bit shook up worrying if anyone had heard me. I guess everyone was done catching up in the other room so that had just been quite most of the time. They were listening to me play.

     I walk into the room were everyone else is and the all just start clapping. Of course this was the year I was planning on being a bit more submissive about my playing, mostly because many other students would get nervous on days of recitals after I played. No one wanted to go first and I always wanted to get it done and over with.

     After that day, things just got better. I loved the classes I was taking, not only challenging but also fun. I really enjoyed being in piano class though. It was the first year when someone who was better than me liked listening to me play. Not only was she good at playing the piano she was also very winsome. I had never really talked to a girl before, so it was an interesting experience for me... I remember one day she told me to just play.

     A few weeks pass and something just feels off, like nothing was real. I had never been so happy to be in school. I felt for the first time like people notified me as a person and not a cure for their unfortunate lives. I really only had one friend throughout my school life, everyone else just made fun of me, they didn't like me. Starting off a new year as a new person went so well at first than it all took a turn for the worse.

     He was more of an acquaintance than a friend, but now I consider him a friend. This person had been the biggest bully throughout my school career, and why I still associated with him was because not only was he a bully but he also came to me for help. It also may have something to do with the fact he and I both played World of Warcraft and I was his gold provider, so he had to be nice to me.

     I don't remember when he first started missing school, because he always seemed to me like the person who skip out a bit, or just not be where he was suppose to be all the time. Weeks had gone by and he would, at first, go to the nurse almost everyday he was at school, at least when I saw him. Of course I thought he was faking it, but then again him and I never really talked so I didn't know what was going on at the time.

     Later in the year he vanished from school all together, and showed up on a few occasions. In the mean time from what I had heard, he was going to the doctors because he was having really bad migraines. I think he was put on medicines in which wouldn't work, missing even more school, and more doctor visits. It was a dark and gloomy day for me and his friends when we found out what was going on. I was there with him as much as I could be, and helped him every step of the way.


     I'm awful I know, this post is already fairly long and I figured instead of starting were I originally wanted, I would start at the beginning of the year and show that it wasn't all that bad of a year. I suppose I also wanted to introduce a bit of moment of despair sort of tone. Everything is all peachy and well, then all of a sudden not anymore. Hopefully everyone enjoy the nice weather we had today! I know I sure did. Even though I was to tired to be out and about after work today.