Effects From Severe Anxiety

     Often a panic attack an anxiety attack are used to describe the same thing, yet they are very different. I'v had both and I also get depressed to the point of a mental breakdown. Aside from OCD and Social anxiety I also suffer from something I like to keep from people even myself, MDD Major depression disorder. The thoughts never stop, no matter how happy I may seem. I may in fact need to start taking my medicine once again, because I don't have time to care for myself.

     Work is what usually helps me with my depression because it keeps me busy, but with the problems I have been having more are being adding on. I stay because I'm comfortable there, it's hard for people to understand what I have and why they can't just treat me like a sack of shit, suicidal thoughts never leave my mind which for me is one thing I really don't want to admit to, but hey I'm still here. This post is becoming hard to type but it's just like every other day, I have to power through it.

     When I explain to people why I can't do simple tasks they tell me I ask for petty, and that I want sympathy, or attention. They don't realize how hard it truly is for me to admit that I'm weak. If it things hadn't been pushed to the point to where I had to explain why, I wouldn't mention it. I hate sympathy, it just makes me feel even worse. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and treat me any different than what they were before the point of fining out. Nothing about me has changed other than the knowing of a disorder. If people would just take the time to understand rather than to point fingers maybe my anxiety wouldn't be at this point. It's getting worse everyday, because I am surrounded by people who you rather push me over the edge than to pull me up.

     OCD isn't what many think it is. Yes I am a bit picky at how things are placed, but that alone isn't OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder means you feel like you need to repeat something until it feels right, or reoccurring thoughts that you try ever so hard to get rid of, but you can't. Do you know what it's like to think every day that your closest of friends don't want anything to do with you? My OCD isn't terribly bad but still enough I struggle with it on a daily basis. My biggest problem with OCD would be the unwanted thoughts, some of the things that stick in my mind I don't even know how they came about.

     Social anxiety is exactly what it sounds like. Sometimes it becomes hard for me to look the very few people I trust in the eyes. I'm very quite, and avoid talking to people as much as I can. I remember just a few weeks ago I was at walmart with my my and she wasn't paying attention to the greeter who had asked us how we were doing, I just looked at him and shrugged my shoulders, it was humiliating. On top of that an intense worry of him thinking I was rude overwhelmed me, and by the time I got the courage to answer it would have been awkward to say anything. A lot of times when I do talk to people I trust or feel comfortable talking to I always feel the need to explain myself, even if there isn't anything to explain. I like being in public but I don't like being around people. It's hard to explain but I'm very claustrophobic so any chance I get to get out or away from my normal surroundings I will take it.

     Here lately I'v been struggling with my depression, I feel unwanted, like everyone hates me, like everything is my fault, which when put in perspective at least in my eyes, it really does seem like everything's been my fault. I don't like mentioning to people when I'm struggling like this but most of the time when I do I'm ignored making everything just dandy, not really, but I need some sense of humor embedded withing these articles. It looks like I pulled through this breakdown or panic attack or what ever you want to call it, I just hate being in that state of mind.

     Severe Anxiety typically comes with depression, the way these two disorders effect me I guess depends on the day. Here lately my insomnia has been pretty bad, I can go to bed at 10-11 but wont actually get to sleep until 4-5 in the morning if I even get to sleep. When I do fall asleep I often have night terrors, I use to wake up, not screaming because I have trained myself to be as quite as a rogue. Really though I don't make a lot of noise even when walked, I am often told I need a bell, I don't want to be noticed.

     Aside from having problems with sleeping, I also often fear someone is out to get me or is watching my every move. I become irritable and tend to overreacted to meaningless situations. If more of those I am around would understand this is out of my control. Than maybe I wouldn't get in as depressed of a state as I get in, and they could help reassure me and pick me up when I'm in this state. It isn't hard to do just don't provoke me to think you are out to get me or that I'm unwanted. The same day I was told be the manager I needed to answer the phone she had also said that I was unless filling in for people who knew how to. Funny thing is not many people there have as bad of anxiety as I do and can answer the phone. One person isn't that big of a difference plus I have a valid reason for why I can't.

     I know this post may seem a bit unorganized but I have a difficult time keeping a straight thought.
     

Optimism

     Sorry this is a late post, I was hoping to get it at least typed out while a was at work, but I was on dishes most of the night and when I got time my phone was about dead. Anyways, tired and wore out I have time to put together more sentence that probably don't make a whole lot of since.

     I am a very optimistic person which in the long run tends to hurt more than it does help. Generally I don't like people seeing me in pain, seeing my suffer from a deleterious disease. It makes me feel weak, most people look down upon the weak even though they still feel pain, like everyone else. Most times when I'm in a really good mood it's because I hide the true face of despair. I don't want the attention from someone else, I would rather give them attention.

     The reason optimism hurts in the long run is because people always relay on you to be okay with what ever they tell you to do, even if it bothers you or they know you can't do it. I don't complain a whole lot so when I do people go all ape shit. I'm just going to call my headaches migraines because I do believe that is what they are. I have several of the symptoms and anxiety can cause migraines.

     These migraines are by far the worst pain I have ever felt, I can't see very well, the effected side of my head my eye waters if the migraine doesn't effect both sides, which today it effect both sides of my head. I feel like I'm running a high fever, my nose gets runny, sometimes like today, I can barely stand. I don't complain though, I don't go around asking for petty by saying my head hurts, or that I can't do this because I have a headache like many others would do just to get out of a task they don't want to do.

     The second I say something hurts and I can't do a task because of it, it suddenly becomes and excuse, even though other people have the same problem and get away with not doing certain tasks. For example I have a bad shoulder, I don't know whats wrong with it. I have had x-rays done to see and the results came back with nothing unusual. It could be arthritis but it hurts every day, some days more than others. I can withstand the pain but the more it hurts the less I can lift, it's almost like it's dislocated shoulder that I'v had for years. Anyways for a while I was doing a task I hadn't done, and I started doing it every day I worked, which I couldn't continue to do everyday because it involved me lifting my shoulder over my head. With a good amount of weight I couldn't do it.

     I mentioned something to the supervisor, he was okay with it and understood as you can clearly see one shoulder is lower than the other. Next day I work I had to do this task again so I said something to the boss, in which she was okay with it too. The other managers find out one I think understood but the other of course didn't. They took it as I was trying to get out of it. Yeah I didn't like the task but there are many tasks I don't like doing at work. I do dishes nearly every day I work, I don't like it but no one else does them, at least not very often.

     I mentioned I feel others should start helping out on dishes a bit more, which only one manager seemed to have a problem with that. I guess I'm just full of excuses. People tend to relay on the people who don't complain. I'm optimistic so I put a smile on no matter the day, it could be the worst day in my life, and I'm still helping others, trying my hardest not to let them see me suffer.

     I'm twenty now and had my first girlfriend at twenty, I'm not a chaser, I'm happy for who I am not who I date. It only lasted a few weeks, but I didn't show it, not at work anyways. My mom caught on after a little while, though it's not hard to tell when I'm depressed at home. My senior year, no one asked me if I was okay or if everything was alright, even though I experienced more in one year than many can say they had in a lifetime. It was one thing after another, and day by day, I went to school showed sympathy to others who were effected by an event I shared with them. I asked them how they were holding up, not once did any of them ask me, I didn't show I was in pain.

     Maybe it's time to start showing emotion, but I don't want attention. Optimism is probably my biggest self harm. Not only am I lying to the people around me, some days I do need help getting through something. I also lie to myself, I pretend nothing is bothersome, I pretend I'm not in pain even though sometimes all I can see is blood dripping from my soul. I'm having a small panic attack at the moment as this is my second night without the medicine. I plan on doing a post of a severe panic attack. Optimistic people feel pain too like everyone else, they just bottle it up better.  
       

Off the Anxiety Medicine!

     Sorry I didn't get another post out last night, I had just taken my medicine in which I almost fallen asleep at the keyboard the other night. Yes can be a bit of a couch potato sometimes, or I guess I would be a chair tomato, but anyways I'm normal always at my computer blogging, creating content for blogs, or listening to music.

      Good news on that though, no more medicine for me. I figured it was safer to stop taking it before I was only able to stand for a few seconds. Being around hot ovens and having a hard time standing up, though I did manage, and I pushed myself to try and not show anything was wrong. I feel I did a pretty good job up until the point I felt really shaky and light. I ended up asking the boss if I was turning white, didn't really feel like passing out, and when I turn whiter than what I already am, I know I'm getting close to fainting.

     Other than the fact I had to work with the manager I have been having problems with today, had a small panic attack before I went in because I was unsure of what today held. It probably would have been a worse attack had I not been on my medicine, but I don't think I have much to worry about anymore. The supervisor talked with both of us, he mainly wanted to make sure I wouldn't cause anymore problems. I had sent a message to that manager about why I don't answer phones, it wasn't necessarily the nicest of messages, but I still don't have to answer the phones which the manager was to happy to hear when the supervisor told her that.

     Today was a fairly busy day at work, which made things easier for me because I love working rushes. I contently have to be doing something to keep my mind busy otherwise my mind keeps me busy. A few of the workers there were also nice to be around, they know how to bring spirits up. Hopefully everyone had as wonderful of a day as I did!


      

Why I Created This Blog

     I really enjoy helping people, sometimes it is hard to do when I'm not willing to be social. I normally do okay with helping people while hiding behind a computer, though messaging people is starting to get harder and harder for me, my social anxiety is getting worse by the year, no matter how anyone looks at it. I'v been told it's been getting better but in reality I just know how to put a mask on.

     I also get panic/ anxiety attacks if I don't help someone in need or if I feel helpless which sucks, because well I can't hide from the social aspect of helping. There will always be some sort of social interaction while helping someone. Rather it be on social media or in person, verbally or through text, you are still communicating with someone to help.

     This blog helps me by allowing me to discuss a few of my past events, people who struggle find it easier knowing they aren't alone. One thing I always keep in mind is someone out there will always have it worse than you, no matter who you are, or how hard you situation can be. That is something that helped me through what was suppose to be a happy memorable year, I will be getting to that in a few days hopefully.

     I can create a community for people who either enjoy the drama filled reads, or people who may be struggling and need help. Everyone is free to leave comments, and ask questions as they please, and it can even be done anonymously. I will more than likely be posting herbal remedies for those who are sick. I have several other helpful guidance blogs for a few of the games I play.

    The biggest reason it is easier for me to help people through a blog is because I to can help anonymously. One of the biggest reasons I use a pseudonym in the titles of my blog. I'm known as "Opachii", at least to those who don't know my alias. I have never been big on being the center of attention, so why announce my real name to the public? If I continue to write books I will more than likely publish them, more than likely not this pseudonym but I will probably use one for my books.   

A Feared Life

   Severe anxiety is nothing more than a cluster of phobias and is often followed by depression. The more one fears, the less of normal activities one may enjoy during their lifetime. Some may collect more phobias than they conquer, the older they become, if the age from where they left off. Sorrow normally comes after facing a fear, sometimes it just appears on its own. Some fears cause people to tell themselves things they know aren't true, but the thoughts never fade; day in and day out.

     

     The people who suffer the most always show a smile, rather it be in school, work or public. They are optimist most of the time, and some hide problems so well; you may never know something is wrong, until it's to late. 

     Yes everyone has some form of anxiety, but not everyone has severe anxiety. Basic anxiety stems from normal things to stress about; like starting a new job or that exam you "forgot" to study for. Not everyone goes through panic/anxiety attacks weekly or even daily like myself. These attacks don't have to have a reason, they can just pop up out of nowhere. No warning sign nothing. Could be the best damn day someone has and all of a sudden their worst. 

     I'v been told by people who don't have severe anxiety tell me to just get over it, it's nothing, or that other people have "issues". Severe anxiety isn't an issue, for those who truly believe it is, need to fear nearly everything and tell me it's just "issues". Severe anxiety is a disorder, a chemical imbalance in the brain. That chemical isn't something someone can just create out of nothing, that's what medicine is for, though is the medicine really worth it? For some possibly, but it changes who YOU are. Your personality changes. Given time, not much is feared anymore, people become distant, and I even feel soulless at times, like nothing will phase me anymore. 

     Other effects are just as terrifying to others as they are to whoever takes medicine for this disorder. Some may become confused, they won't remember who they are, how to do ritual activities, or even where they are! Faintness; one of the worst side effects I'v experience, your whole body aches like you are running a high fever, but your temperature gets lowers. Everything grows dark, the pigment from your vision just disappears, and you can't feel anything. Luckily I was able to wobbly myself to a seat to gather myself. There are many more side effects than those two, some actually really devastating. It's almost like the only thing the medicine ever fixed were the fears.  

     My biggest fear is claustrophobia. I fear small places, I fear being trapped. Which is why I fear most other things. It isn't necessarily the fact I fear something else like being social. I'm not always afraid to interact with others. I just don't like feeling confine to one spot, I'm constantly moving or doing something else apposed to just talking. I am however social phobic, but depending on the day I can push that aside, though I can't only hold a conversation for a short time before my anxiety kicks in. 

    Tonight is the forth night back on my medicine and let me tell you it isn't very fun. I don't have to take it, the reason why I do though is because not everyone sees severe anxiety as a disorder. I can't run the phone or work the registers at work unless I have medicine, but I can't take medicine for long before the side effects get progressive worse. Here I'm guessing within a few more days, I wont be able to stand for long. I'm going to show they people at work what I'm like with medicine, and show them why I'm not on medicine. Yes I can leave and find a new place, but I really enjoy where I'm at and I feel it just isn't my time to leave yet. Everything happens for a reason and I don't have a reason to leave.