Optimism

     Sorry this is a late post, I was hoping to get it at least typed out while a was at work, but I was on dishes most of the night and when I got time my phone was about dead. Anyways, tired and wore out I have time to put together more sentence that probably don't make a whole lot of since.

     I am a very optimistic person which in the long run tends to hurt more than it does help. Generally I don't like people seeing me in pain, seeing my suffer from a deleterious disease. It makes me feel weak, most people look down upon the weak even though they still feel pain, like everyone else. Most times when I'm in a really good mood it's because I hide the true face of despair. I don't want the attention from someone else, I would rather give them attention.

     The reason optimism hurts in the long run is because people always relay on you to be okay with what ever they tell you to do, even if it bothers you or they know you can't do it. I don't complain a whole lot so when I do people go all ape shit. I'm just going to call my headaches migraines because I do believe that is what they are. I have several of the symptoms and anxiety can cause migraines.

     These migraines are by far the worst pain I have ever felt, I can't see very well, the effected side of my head my eye waters if the migraine doesn't effect both sides, which today it effect both sides of my head. I feel like I'm running a high fever, my nose gets runny, sometimes like today, I can barely stand. I don't complain though, I don't go around asking for petty by saying my head hurts, or that I can't do this because I have a headache like many others would do just to get out of a task they don't want to do.

     The second I say something hurts and I can't do a task because of it, it suddenly becomes and excuse, even though other people have the same problem and get away with not doing certain tasks. For example I have a bad shoulder, I don't know whats wrong with it. I have had x-rays done to see and the results came back with nothing unusual. It could be arthritis but it hurts every day, some days more than others. I can withstand the pain but the more it hurts the less I can lift, it's almost like it's dislocated shoulder that I'v had for years. Anyways for a while I was doing a task I hadn't done, and I started doing it every day I worked, which I couldn't continue to do everyday because it involved me lifting my shoulder over my head. With a good amount of weight I couldn't do it.

     I mentioned something to the supervisor, he was okay with it and understood as you can clearly see one shoulder is lower than the other. Next day I work I had to do this task again so I said something to the boss, in which she was okay with it too. The other managers find out one I think understood but the other of course didn't. They took it as I was trying to get out of it. Yeah I didn't like the task but there are many tasks I don't like doing at work. I do dishes nearly every day I work, I don't like it but no one else does them, at least not very often.

     I mentioned I feel others should start helping out on dishes a bit more, which only one manager seemed to have a problem with that. I guess I'm just full of excuses. People tend to relay on the people who don't complain. I'm optimistic so I put a smile on no matter the day, it could be the worst day in my life, and I'm still helping others, trying my hardest not to let them see me suffer.

     I'm twenty now and had my first girlfriend at twenty, I'm not a chaser, I'm happy for who I am not who I date. It only lasted a few weeks, but I didn't show it, not at work anyways. My mom caught on after a little while, though it's not hard to tell when I'm depressed at home. My senior year, no one asked me if I was okay or if everything was alright, even though I experienced more in one year than many can say they had in a lifetime. It was one thing after another, and day by day, I went to school showed sympathy to others who were effected by an event I shared with them. I asked them how they were holding up, not once did any of them ask me, I didn't show I was in pain.

     Maybe it's time to start showing emotion, but I don't want attention. Optimism is probably my biggest self harm. Not only am I lying to the people around me, some days I do need help getting through something. I also lie to myself, I pretend nothing is bothersome, I pretend I'm not in pain even though sometimes all I can see is blood dripping from my soul. I'm having a small panic attack at the moment as this is my second night without the medicine. I plan on doing a post of a severe panic attack. Optimistic people feel pain too like everyone else, they just bottle it up better.  
       

Off the Anxiety Medicine!

     Sorry I didn't get another post out last night, I had just taken my medicine in which I almost fallen asleep at the keyboard the other night. Yes can be a bit of a couch potato sometimes, or I guess I would be a chair tomato, but anyways I'm normal always at my computer blogging, creating content for blogs, or listening to music.

      Good news on that though, no more medicine for me. I figured it was safer to stop taking it before I was only able to stand for a few seconds. Being around hot ovens and having a hard time standing up, though I did manage, and I pushed myself to try and not show anything was wrong. I feel I did a pretty good job up until the point I felt really shaky and light. I ended up asking the boss if I was turning white, didn't really feel like passing out, and when I turn whiter than what I already am, I know I'm getting close to fainting.

     Other than the fact I had to work with the manager I have been having problems with today, had a small panic attack before I went in because I was unsure of what today held. It probably would have been a worse attack had I not been on my medicine, but I don't think I have much to worry about anymore. The supervisor talked with both of us, he mainly wanted to make sure I wouldn't cause anymore problems. I had sent a message to that manager about why I don't answer phones, it wasn't necessarily the nicest of messages, but I still don't have to answer the phones which the manager was to happy to hear when the supervisor told her that.

     Today was a fairly busy day at work, which made things easier for me because I love working rushes. I contently have to be doing something to keep my mind busy otherwise my mind keeps me busy. A few of the workers there were also nice to be around, they know how to bring spirits up. Hopefully everyone had as wonderful of a day as I did!


      

Yet Another Blog, and Problems at Work

     Hello everyone, I bring you yet another blog. I believe this makes my 6 or 7th blog, but I enjoy blogging. For this blog it will more than likely be about me and whats going on in my life. There may be a few links to Youtube videos I enjoy, or maybe posts from my other blogs, but for the most part, my life.

    I'm not sure what my posting schedule will be for this blog, I was hopping to be more active on my other blogs, and I know it has been a good two weeks since I'v posting anything. Currently I'v been having issue at work, one of my friends of whom was a manager has left, leaving us with only three managers, and one of them thinks anxiety is nothing more than a joke so I'm back on my medicine I truly don't want to be on.

     I started back up last night and here I set bobbing back and forth at my computer screen, lightheaded. The reason I choose to take it yet again, after I stopped taking because of the side effects, it to show anxiety is no laughing matter, the medicine itself can be much worse. Though I don't feel anxious anymore, I do however have a slight headache, I can't stand up for long, I can't lay down to rid the feeling of faintness, my taste is off, I see things from the corner of my eyes (mostly bright lights), it takes my longer to comprehend even the simplest of tasks.

     I have told the place of business over and over again, if I was to work the front or phones, I will need to be on my medicine again (all but one manager understood), which though the medicine is helping with my anxiety, I'm not in much of a state to take care of customers, not alone money.

     The manager of which I'm having problems with; no authority of telling me this as the main manager and supervisor have already waved me from these positions (Yes this manager already knew I was told I don't have to work these stations), told me the other day at work I will need to start learning how to answer the phone and run the front. Not wanting to start anything there, knowing my anxiety would only get worse from that point forward, I just said okay, I will need to talk to the supervisor first, which she wasn't to thrilled to hear anyways.

     So now I am back on my anxiety medicine to prove that there are in fact positions there I'm not capable of doing, not with out medicine anyways, and though I'm not anxious right now; I could probably answer the phone, but I would need a seat, and I would no longer be capable of doing other things around the store, because of how the medicine effects me.