My Morning Friend

     I wont have time to type part two of "My Senior Year" due to internet problems. I am currently unable to use my old internet browser so I am using another one that I don't like as much to type this post. I'm also getting around to typing my post for today so that doesn't really help. It took me nearly an hour possibly longer to type last nights post and I just don't have the time right now.

     Anyways this morning started off a bit strange for me. I woke up around ten only to try and fall back to sleep because I was oddly tired. I felt a bit faint to be honest, which is weird because I'm not on my medicine anymore, yet that's what it felt like. As I was trying to rest a bit more I heard a thud followed but what sounded like flapping wings. At first I didn't really think much of it, I was tired so all I really wanted to do was rest a bit longer.

     Several minutes pass before I heard it yet again, it happened a couple more times within five minutes. I figured it was my wakeup call at the point. I got up only to hear it again. A little aggravated at this point, I look out my window to see what it was. I had figured it was a bird and wouldn't you know it, it was a bird. I had seen it actually hit the window. What made matters even worse was the bird wasn't just flying into the window, it acted like it wanted in, or maybe it was trying to land on the frame that was inside.

     At this point I was thinking I may have scared it off, or got it to calm down, as I had seen it setting in the tree outside my window. I go on throughout my morning like I do every other morning and check to see what my blogs are up to, and check other notifications for a various amount of social media websites. A good fifteen twenty minutes pass, and I hear the bird again...

     Noises typically irritate me, it's of course a part of my anxiety. I'm trying my hardest and trying to think of everything I can do to prevent the bird from trying what ever it was it was trying. It was a very puzzling experience after all. Finally I decide to close my curtains, because more than likely it just say a reflection in the window, or maybe just didn't even seen the window.

     Being a nice and sunny morning I couldn't do without my morning sunlight, so I open the curtains to the window on the adjacent side my room. Again the bird decided to perch on the tree outside the window it was abusing, and a while later, it goes to the other window that is now open. It only tried whatever once then, this is actually kind of hysterical, it went back to the window with the closed curtains and kept trying to, I'm just going to assume at this point, get in through the window.

     From ten clear up until two-thirty, the time I had to leave for work, the bird kept trying to get in through the window. I doubt it saw anything it wanted because the curtains were closed most of the time. Maybe it was just trying to pester, in which case it did. I had even gotten up a few time to try and scare it off. Nope this little bugger would just stare at me. From time to time a would make a few fast movements to see if maybe I was just being to settle, but nope.

     That was the first time anything like that had happened to me, I've never heard of a bird doing something like that before. Anyways, I hope everyone else's mornings were just as eventful if not at least good. I may or may not be posting again later tonight, this wasn't the post I had in mind to write. I was actually going talk about why I've been busy on World of Warcraft. It's been a while since I have played the game, and a few weeks ago I currently got into it again, but not for it's trademark activities. 


    

Off the Anxiety Medicine!

     Sorry I didn't get another post out last night, I had just taken my medicine in which I almost fallen asleep at the keyboard the other night. Yes can be a bit of a couch potato sometimes, or I guess I would be a chair tomato, but anyways I'm normal always at my computer blogging, creating content for blogs, or listening to music.

      Good news on that though, no more medicine for me. I figured it was safer to stop taking it before I was only able to stand for a few seconds. Being around hot ovens and having a hard time standing up, though I did manage, and I pushed myself to try and not show anything was wrong. I feel I did a pretty good job up until the point I felt really shaky and light. I ended up asking the boss if I was turning white, didn't really feel like passing out, and when I turn whiter than what I already am, I know I'm getting close to fainting.

     Other than the fact I had to work with the manager I have been having problems with today, had a small panic attack before I went in because I was unsure of what today held. It probably would have been a worse attack had I not been on my medicine, but I don't think I have much to worry about anymore. The supervisor talked with both of us, he mainly wanted to make sure I wouldn't cause anymore problems. I had sent a message to that manager about why I don't answer phones, it wasn't necessarily the nicest of messages, but I still don't have to answer the phones which the manager was to happy to hear when the supervisor told her that.

     Today was a fairly busy day at work, which made things easier for me because I love working rushes. I contently have to be doing something to keep my mind busy otherwise my mind keeps me busy. A few of the workers there were also nice to be around, they know how to bring spirits up. Hopefully everyone had as wonderful of a day as I did!


      

A Waking Reality

     About five to six years ago, I started having headaches, depending on the day they were either really bad, or just a bit of pressure. At first I didn't think anything of them. I have a high pain tolerance, so I just waved it off, thinking the headaches will pass, at least the ones that made my eyes watery and nose runny. They use to last about a week give or take. There was either no pain, just the pressure of a headache, or the pain of what I would have to describe as small needles behind one eye or the other.

     About a month or so of that passed by, but the headaches began to come more then they would go. The pressure soon became what use to be the needles and the needles became like someone driving a spike through the top of my skull, and behind one of my eyes, if not both... the headaches became worse.

     After about three maybe four or five months of this, I decided it was time to go see the doctor about my headaches that only go away a few times in a month if I was lucky that month. I don't remember much of the first few visits but the first thing the doctor thought was the headaches were just tension headaches. My eyes got checked (my father insisted I needed glasses) and other typical doctor visit procedures were done and I was sent on my merry way, I don't remember if medicine was giving to me the first visit or not.

     A few months pass and the headaches, though not any worse, weren't any better either, but they did seem to last a bit longer. The best way to describe these; I really should say headache as it felt like it was one headache that lasted for at first a few weeks, then a month, to almost a constant headache. So I decide its time to go back as what ever I was told to do the first visit didn't work. The doctor than asked if migraines ran in the family in with my mother said they don't. Though she had the degree and I didn't the doctor said it was possible for me to have migraines, but without migraines running in the family it was unlikely. This time I remember her giving me small dosage of some kind of medication used for migraines.

     Believe it or not it worked, for a good some of time anyways. I don't remember how many months it worked for, all I know is it worked. Then she upped the medication to the next set dose. That is when things really started to change for me. I got more into anime and drawing, I like to call it my artistic phase. Don't get me wrong I was still into anime before most of this started happening but, not as much as I was after I started taking the higher dose of this medicine.

     I would wake up in the morning for school take a shower and find that I can't feel legs. I felt lighter all of a sudden. I just let it pass because at the time I thought I was just really lightheaded, and I was, but things grew white. I saw white lights, mixed in with a magenta color, the white out ruled the magenta color, and I did nothing.

     I continued my morning routine, and got ready for school. At first I though maybe it was because I wasn't eating as much. The medicine made me nauseous so I often skipped lunch or supper (wasn't big on breakfast). I started eating a bit more in the morning and tried to force myself to eat when I didn't feel as sick to the stomach, as this "lightheadedness" wouldn't fade away, it actually got worse. It was hard for me to get from class to class. All I did, was let it pass. I didn't stop for a second, I just kept going because I kept thinking to myself  "self I can't be late for class". I was, no I am a worry wort. I worry about everything. I for some reason or another thought if I was late to class once I would get in a lot of trouble, some may not care about getting in trouble, but this guy sure did. Couldn't be around when the phone rang otherwise I thought I did something.

     One day, I was so drained. I didn't do any physical ware and tare, but my body insisted I did. I was laying down watching, you guessed it anime. Somewhere in between the time I spent watching anime and laying down, I fell asleep. It was early afternoon when I fell asleep, because when I woke up it was nearly time to eat dinner. I was called upon when the food was prepared and if I am correct, I was pail white. Now I'v never seen a ghost, but I would have to say I was pail white, as I look in the mirror to see if I looked sick.

     I made it out to the kitchen on good terms, but once I stopped; impatiently waiting for the ketchup, I saw those lights again only this time they were brighter and oddly enough the lights hurt this time. Again I grew light, almost felt as if I were flying. Without saying a word, I rushed into the living room, hoping to catch the closest seat before I fall from the sky. Thankfully I made it to a seat just in time. All I can say from the point forward, I remember getting up but I don't remember making it back to my room. It felt like I was sleep walking only, ever step hurt. My body just ached all over, more so than with a high temperature. I was dizzy even while laying down; the room just kept spinning, even with my eyes closed, everything was spinning. I never took another pill the doctor prescribed to me after that, and I got better.

     Here recently I know I keep saying that I'm back on my anxiety medicine. It turns out the medicine wasn't for migraines like what my family thought. In my first post Yet Another Blog, and Problems at Work, I mentioned a bit of why I decided to take my anxiety medicine again. I remember mentioning to the manager I'v been having problems with the I grow immune to medication. Putting more and more thought into I slowly started to remember, the medicine I was taking for my headaches, I didn't become immune to it, I stopped taking it because of it's effects.

     I go home that night thinking that I would take them again, my headaches were getting worse once again, and I would have my mom look for my medical papers for my anxiety and my headaches.  I looked up the side effect of the medicine because it had been nearly three years since I have taken them, found out that it is an antidepressant that helps with anxiety migraines. The reason this was such a shock was because I knew how bad my anxiety was and I knew I needed medication, but I would rather suffer being me than being someone the medicine changes me into.

     Here I am taking my anxiety medicine, to show why I can't run the front or answer the phones at work. Anxiety medicine in itself is almost worse than not being capable of doing normal everyday activities. I would much rather give up talking to people then having to take the medicine, but I can't do that. I can be vindictive at times.

   

   

        

A Feared Life

   Severe anxiety is nothing more than a cluster of phobias and is often followed by depression. The more one fears, the less of normal activities one may enjoy during their lifetime. Some may collect more phobias than they conquer, the older they become, if the age from where they left off. Sorrow normally comes after facing a fear, sometimes it just appears on its own. Some fears cause people to tell themselves things they know aren't true, but the thoughts never fade; day in and day out.

     

     The people who suffer the most always show a smile, rather it be in school, work or public. They are optimist most of the time, and some hide problems so well; you may never know something is wrong, until it's to late. 

     Yes everyone has some form of anxiety, but not everyone has severe anxiety. Basic anxiety stems from normal things to stress about; like starting a new job or that exam you "forgot" to study for. Not everyone goes through panic/anxiety attacks weekly or even daily like myself. These attacks don't have to have a reason, they can just pop up out of nowhere. No warning sign nothing. Could be the best damn day someone has and all of a sudden their worst. 

     I'v been told by people who don't have severe anxiety tell me to just get over it, it's nothing, or that other people have "issues". Severe anxiety isn't an issue, for those who truly believe it is, need to fear nearly everything and tell me it's just "issues". Severe anxiety is a disorder, a chemical imbalance in the brain. That chemical isn't something someone can just create out of nothing, that's what medicine is for, though is the medicine really worth it? For some possibly, but it changes who YOU are. Your personality changes. Given time, not much is feared anymore, people become distant, and I even feel soulless at times, like nothing will phase me anymore. 

     Other effects are just as terrifying to others as they are to whoever takes medicine for this disorder. Some may become confused, they won't remember who they are, how to do ritual activities, or even where they are! Faintness; one of the worst side effects I'v experience, your whole body aches like you are running a high fever, but your temperature gets lowers. Everything grows dark, the pigment from your vision just disappears, and you can't feel anything. Luckily I was able to wobbly myself to a seat to gather myself. There are many more side effects than those two, some actually really devastating. It's almost like the only thing the medicine ever fixed were the fears.  

     My biggest fear is claustrophobia. I fear small places, I fear being trapped. Which is why I fear most other things. It isn't necessarily the fact I fear something else like being social. I'm not always afraid to interact with others. I just don't like feeling confine to one spot, I'm constantly moving or doing something else apposed to just talking. I am however social phobic, but depending on the day I can push that aside, though I can't only hold a conversation for a short time before my anxiety kicks in. 

    Tonight is the forth night back on my medicine and let me tell you it isn't very fun. I don't have to take it, the reason why I do though is because not everyone sees severe anxiety as a disorder. I can't run the phone or work the registers at work unless I have medicine, but I can't take medicine for long before the side effects get progressive worse. Here I'm guessing within a few more days, I wont be able to stand for long. I'm going to show they people at work what I'm like with medicine, and show them why I'm not on medicine. Yes I can leave and find a new place, but I really enjoy where I'm at and I feel it just isn't my time to leave yet. Everything happens for a reason and I don't have a reason to leave. 

          

            

     

Yet Another Blog, and Problems at Work

     Hello everyone, I bring you yet another blog. I believe this makes my 6 or 7th blog, but I enjoy blogging. For this blog it will more than likely be about me and whats going on in my life. There may be a few links to Youtube videos I enjoy, or maybe posts from my other blogs, but for the most part, my life.

    I'm not sure what my posting schedule will be for this blog, I was hopping to be more active on my other blogs, and I know it has been a good two weeks since I'v posting anything. Currently I'v been having issue at work, one of my friends of whom was a manager has left, leaving us with only three managers, and one of them thinks anxiety is nothing more than a joke so I'm back on my medicine I truly don't want to be on.

     I started back up last night and here I set bobbing back and forth at my computer screen, lightheaded. The reason I choose to take it yet again, after I stopped taking because of the side effects, it to show anxiety is no laughing matter, the medicine itself can be much worse. Though I don't feel anxious anymore, I do however have a slight headache, I can't stand up for long, I can't lay down to rid the feeling of faintness, my taste is off, I see things from the corner of my eyes (mostly bright lights), it takes my longer to comprehend even the simplest of tasks.

     I have told the place of business over and over again, if I was to work the front or phones, I will need to be on my medicine again (all but one manager understood), which though the medicine is helping with my anxiety, I'm not in much of a state to take care of customers, not alone money.

     The manager of which I'm having problems with; no authority of telling me this as the main manager and supervisor have already waved me from these positions (Yes this manager already knew I was told I don't have to work these stations), told me the other day at work I will need to start learning how to answer the phone and run the front. Not wanting to start anything there, knowing my anxiety would only get worse from that point forward, I just said okay, I will need to talk to the supervisor first, which she wasn't to thrilled to hear anyways.

     So now I am back on my anxiety medicine to prove that there are in fact positions there I'm not capable of doing, not with out medicine anyways, and though I'm not anxious right now; I could probably answer the phone, but I would need a seat, and I would no longer be capable of doing other things around the store, because of how the medicine effects me.