My Artistic Phase

     I had always been a fan of anime ever since I got into Pokemon, I had to of been around six or seven. The art style just seemed very intriguing, so I started collecting Pokemon cards... well my older brother gave me his collection, so then I started collecting the cards. Once I found out there was a TV show, I just had to watch it.

     The older I got the more distant I became from the TV show, but I still collecting the cards and had to be sure to catch every Pokemon in the games. Each critter had a unique shape, it was different from regular cartoon characters, I just say a bit more creativity. After a while I just became distant from Pokemon all together, though still buying the new games in which I would complete the final task but I could care less about collecting the Pokemon.

     Around ninth or tenth grade, I made a new friend. He was BIG into anime and expressed it fairly clearly. Normally I become who I'm around, so I began to like anime. It was all my choice, I know a lot of people will tell me I shouldn't mold my personality, but if I didn't do that then I wouldn't have the experience and knowledge I do today. I don't change my personality to become accepted, I do it for the experience, so I can place myself in another's shoes. I also love learning about new things, and try new things. Anyways I began to draw around the tenth or eleventh grade, anime of course, but it also was the start to my headaches, when I started getting into anime.

     Watching anime all day long, from the time I got home from school till the time I went to bed, it was all I really did anymore. I would spend about two to three hours drawing an anime character I was currently into at the time, mostly protagonists at the time. Then drawing became so much more than just the characters I knew, I would look up anime and search for a picture I thought looked cool, and so I drew it. That was when I really became involved in drawing. I got special pencils, and everything just so I can hopefully get close to the image I was looking at.

      My headaches continued to get worse at that point. Not realizing it then but, I'm creative. Overly creative for that matter. I think of many different possibilities and outcomes for... everything. This can happen or that can happen and my mind would just race and go through several different scenarios, over something that could be as simple as a rock. I still get headaches, still really bad ones, worse even than a while ago, but I look at them as a sign of me putting my creativity to work.

Here are a some of the drawings I did! Some are unfinished and they aren't dated or in any specific order  so I can't tell you which one was my first, but I do know it didn't have color to it. There are more drawings I will add in the future, just need to get them on my computer.

A Waking Reality

     About five to six years ago, I started having headaches, depending on the day they were either really bad, or just a bit of pressure. At first I didn't think anything of them. I have a high pain tolerance, so I just waved it off, thinking the headaches will pass, at least the ones that made my eyes watery and nose runny. They use to last about a week give or take. There was either no pain, just the pressure of a headache, or the pain of what I would have to describe as small needles behind one eye or the other.

     About a month or so of that passed by, but the headaches began to come more then they would go. The pressure soon became what use to be the needles and the needles became like someone driving a spike through the top of my skull, and behind one of my eyes, if not both... the headaches became worse.

     After about three maybe four or five months of this, I decided it was time to go see the doctor about my headaches that only go away a few times in a month if I was lucky that month. I don't remember much of the first few visits but the first thing the doctor thought was the headaches were just tension headaches. My eyes got checked (my father insisted I needed glasses) and other typical doctor visit procedures were done and I was sent on my merry way, I don't remember if medicine was giving to me the first visit or not.

     A few months pass and the headaches, though not any worse, weren't any better either, but they did seem to last a bit longer. The best way to describe these; I really should say headache as it felt like it was one headache that lasted for at first a few weeks, then a month, to almost a constant headache. So I decide its time to go back as what ever I was told to do the first visit didn't work. The doctor than asked if migraines ran in the family in with my mother said they don't. Though she had the degree and I didn't the doctor said it was possible for me to have migraines, but without migraines running in the family it was unlikely. This time I remember her giving me small dosage of some kind of medication used for migraines.

     Believe it or not it worked, for a good some of time anyways. I don't remember how many months it worked for, all I know is it worked. Then she upped the medication to the next set dose. That is when things really started to change for me. I got more into anime and drawing, I like to call it my artistic phase. Don't get me wrong I was still into anime before most of this started happening but, not as much as I was after I started taking the higher dose of this medicine.

     I would wake up in the morning for school take a shower and find that I can't feel legs. I felt lighter all of a sudden. I just let it pass because at the time I thought I was just really lightheaded, and I was, but things grew white. I saw white lights, mixed in with a magenta color, the white out ruled the magenta color, and I did nothing.

     I continued my morning routine, and got ready for school. At first I though maybe it was because I wasn't eating as much. The medicine made me nauseous so I often skipped lunch or supper (wasn't big on breakfast). I started eating a bit more in the morning and tried to force myself to eat when I didn't feel as sick to the stomach, as this "lightheadedness" wouldn't fade away, it actually got worse. It was hard for me to get from class to class. All I did, was let it pass. I didn't stop for a second, I just kept going because I kept thinking to myself  "self I can't be late for class". I was, no I am a worry wort. I worry about everything. I for some reason or another thought if I was late to class once I would get in a lot of trouble, some may not care about getting in trouble, but this guy sure did. Couldn't be around when the phone rang otherwise I thought I did something.

     One day, I was so drained. I didn't do any physical ware and tare, but my body insisted I did. I was laying down watching, you guessed it anime. Somewhere in between the time I spent watching anime and laying down, I fell asleep. It was early afternoon when I fell asleep, because when I woke up it was nearly time to eat dinner. I was called upon when the food was prepared and if I am correct, I was pail white. Now I'v never seen a ghost, but I would have to say I was pail white, as I look in the mirror to see if I looked sick.

     I made it out to the kitchen on good terms, but once I stopped; impatiently waiting for the ketchup, I saw those lights again only this time they were brighter and oddly enough the lights hurt this time. Again I grew light, almost felt as if I were flying. Without saying a word, I rushed into the living room, hoping to catch the closest seat before I fall from the sky. Thankfully I made it to a seat just in time. All I can say from the point forward, I remember getting up but I don't remember making it back to my room. It felt like I was sleep walking only, ever step hurt. My body just ached all over, more so than with a high temperature. I was dizzy even while laying down; the room just kept spinning, even with my eyes closed, everything was spinning. I never took another pill the doctor prescribed to me after that, and I got better.

     Here recently I know I keep saying that I'm back on my anxiety medicine. It turns out the medicine wasn't for migraines like what my family thought. In my first post Yet Another Blog, and Problems at Work, I mentioned a bit of why I decided to take my anxiety medicine again. I remember mentioning to the manager I'v been having problems with the I grow immune to medication. Putting more and more thought into I slowly started to remember, the medicine I was taking for my headaches, I didn't become immune to it, I stopped taking it because of it's effects.

     I go home that night thinking that I would take them again, my headaches were getting worse once again, and I would have my mom look for my medical papers for my anxiety and my headaches.  I looked up the side effect of the medicine because it had been nearly three years since I have taken them, found out that it is an antidepressant that helps with anxiety migraines. The reason this was such a shock was because I knew how bad my anxiety was and I knew I needed medication, but I would rather suffer being me than being someone the medicine changes me into.

     Here I am taking my anxiety medicine, to show why I can't run the front or answer the phones at work. Anxiety medicine in itself is almost worse than not being capable of doing normal everyday activities. I would much rather give up talking to people then having to take the medicine, but I can't do that. I can be vindictive at times.