The Reaper's Touch

     You can listen to this amazing song while you read this story, I have the playlist I'm listing to linked, but I'm unsure if all the songs will play. I haven't tested it or seen other playlists linked like this.


     When I first started taking my medicine again, I noticed a difference, it was actually helping. Though I may have seemed lifeless, I felt better. But wait... I felt dead, and looked alive before I was taking the medicine, now I look lifeless but I feel more alive? What I mean by looking lifeless is I'm more distant, I'm pale, It takes me longer to grasp whats being asked of me. To me it seems as if my skin is looser, and my bones show more, like I'm a rotting fruit almost.

     My thinking isn't clear, my consciousness is terrible. Sadly that is one of the said effect. I may become less conscious, to the point it's hard to remember the name of a face I know. The other day at work, it had to of been about a week ago now. Someone mentioned my bosses name. It took me a minute to put a face to the name. I don't like to admit that is what the medicine is doing to me, but I can't hide from reality. I have to accept that no matter what medicine I seek, there will be pros and cons.

     Right now I'm trying a vitamin I brought from my local herb shop. Not many people are, or use to be big into herbal remedies, perhaps that's just where I live. The point is though there are people who don't believe herbs work, they are just placebos in a sense. My family didn't really believe stuff like that worked. I get the impression my dad still doesn't believe they work, even though they've worked miracles on people he knows.

     I'm hoping this vitamin will work so I can get off this dreadful anti-depressant. The shopkeeper my mom talked to however said many people who take this see differences within roughly ten minutes. It has been around ten hours since I've taken it, so far nothing. I will continue to take it until I run out. If I don't see any changes by then, I'm not swallowing anymore of my money.

     Many wander why I don't work on easing off the medicine I'm on now, if I'm getting the side effects I am. Well this is the post I was hoping to get to a few days ago. My anxiety; I feel, is getting much worse, second by second, day by day. There is nothing I can do to prevent the thoughts I'm having. Most of the time they are meaningless, but to me everything hold meaning, it's just as precious as whom we worship. Everything hold equal meaning to me as strange as that may sound. It's hard to explain too, because if something upsets me, I'm not upset by everything I see. The easiest way to explain it is again like a religion. There are times of doubt, joyous, anger, sorrow, and you name it. I look at a piece of paper, and that isn't all I see. I see much more out of it.

      Those however aren't the thoughts keeping me on the medicine. To other these my seem pointless, meaningless, or even odd defying. So what am I getting all worked up over? I never really got a chance to explain why I think I have severe OCD, at least not that I can remember. It's sad when you go from the "go to guy" for remembering things to not even remembering what you just did five minutes ago. All because of this medicine...

     With time cut short, I wont add much about this, but OCD runs in the family I suppose. Add that along with kids shutting you out from school; I really only had one friend my enter school career, while others used me, and Verbal abuse, and some may even call it abuse, which is something I will get into, it's the part I'm dreading in "My Senior Year" story. It's got to come out someway or another. My parents my not be happy with it, but they ask and told me if I needed their help than they would help me. This blog, and being free to talk about things of my past and present anonymously, is helping me.

     The thoughts; before I get sidetracked again, that are causing me to stay on this medicine aren't very settling to me. I don't care if they mean nothing to you, or if you have it worse (someone will always have it worse, but NO ONE will have it the worst). I like to think of everyone's well-being or experiences are fairly equal in their own way, and petty the foolish who think they have it worse than everyone around them. Everyone deals with pain in a unique way, to believe no one has it as bad as you is just pathetic in my opinion.

     The grim reaper follows me by my side, wherever I go. I constantly think of scenarios, where I think someone will die, right in front of me. When I'm riding along with someone, I can't get the images out of my head that, the car passing by will swerve into us, or if the roads are icy/wet, I just know we are going to flip. These thoughts never come to cease. Thoughts racing, I think of multiple scenarios of what I would do in such a situation. Who will I save first? Who got hurt worse? Who is still alive? How will I keep them alive until help arrives? You know just the basic worries of being on the road, or wait these thoughts aren't normal?

     My parents think I don't want to drive because I'm worried of being a threat to others, but that's not what I'm worried about. I believe it's more or less, a fear of death. Any situation that may hold the reapers touch, I try my best to avoid it. I use to enjoy mowing, but now I don't. I fear machinery. Anything with an engine to be more precise.

     The other day, riding home from work in my car with my dad. I don't quite remember what caused these thoughts, but all I can remember was, again playing the scenario of getting in a wreck. I think my dad way drive fast or maybe it's just the fact I fear my dads driving. However I thought he might flip the car or something like that. So what I was thinking was. The car flipped twice, and we were both in poor condition. He doesn't know that my medicine thins my blood, so I tell him a message I want him to pass on to the rest of the family in my dying words as I tell him I know I won't make it, because my blood is thin. The message of course is the cliche "I love you".

     That is why I'm going to stay on my medicine. As I know it hasn't helped with the unwanted thoughts, I do know it has slowed my thinking down. Meaning less unwanted thoughts. Those who don't know much about OCD, unwanted thoughts can't be controlled. I have a lot of them with the medicine, God only knows how much worse I will get off the medicine.                

Why Keep a Journal?

     About a week ago, I know I shouldn't have, but I did a bit more research into OCD. I already knew I had a mild form of it. Though the more and more I read up on it, I was beginning to think it's a bit worse than I first thought. I originally was thinking I had OCD mixed with social anxiety, mainly because I'm a fairly anti-social person.

     What I was reading was OCD causes people to be less social, mostly do to unwanted thoughts. I was talking to an friend I use to work with about it to see what he thought and all that. Later on in the conversation I ended up asking him if I should keep a journal, in which he said wouldn't hurt. Impatiently waiting for his response though, I had already started jotting compulsions and unwanted thoughts.  

    It didn't take me long to fill a page, but that was to be understood. I just got done looking something up which put a lot on my mind, along with what I was already thinking before hand. I felt compelled to look it up. I don't know why looking up OCD even came to mind, I wasn't worried about it or anything, I just thought, why not look it up. 

    I had looked it up at least once before; a friend of mind told me he had severe OCD. He was the type of person who just makes stuff up to get attention, so I didn't really believe him, and I don't remember if I believed him after I looked it up or not. Now that I refreshed my mind over it, I do see him having it, along with myself. 

    I'm mainly keeping the journal for something the doctor can look over, and hopefully it will help a diagnoses. Normally I wouldn't do that, but I have heard before and quite a bit after I hit twenty that. Some anxiety worsens when someone is in their twenties. It is becoming harder and harder for me to talk to people, even those I already communicate with.

     With a loss of word, I normally find myself speechless to everyday conversations, like "How are you?" or "What did you do today?" Typically I'm short with phrases like those anyways, but I'm even more so now. Instead of answering I often pretend I didn't hear it, or even go as far as making it seem like I'm deaf, and just looking around which I just so happen to look in their direction than gaze off.

     My main worry with this really isn't that I'm having a harder time communicating with people. Obviously I'm doing just fine with it now, but it's the unwanted thoughts I'm worried about... they seem to be getting worse. Going from thoughts of just someone is outside or watching you, they have turned into someone is out to get you, and they are trying to kill you sort of thoughts. 

     I also have a great sense of worry when I drive, I worry about hurting other people, but that's normal, those aren't the thoughts that I feel are unnecessary. The thoughts of someone trying to force me into a wreck are the thoughts that worry me, because I'm overly cautious, I pay attention to one car, were as to everyone on the road, sometimes I switch between cards, but I can't help but feel someone is after me. Though those aren't all of what I think, or feel like I'm being told. 

     It truly does feel like someone is telling me these thoughts. At first I speculated I may be developing schizophrenia. One of the things I saw while researching, was OCD is commonly mistaking with schizophrenia from a minority perspective. Other thought I commonly have are I'm unwanted and I don't matter and what not. Some days it is hard to deal with, so I turn to my music to think. I'm hoping to return to my writing here soon, but I feel I'm not good with the creative part of writing. 

     Being told writers should read; me being a writer who doesn't read. I feel now I have to read to be a good writer, and I understand why, but I can't read. I can't stand doing the same thing or feel stuck in one place for time on end. I enjoy reading, but as long as it's longer than a fifteen minute read, I feel to claustrophobic. 

     There is the reason I have decided to to keep a journal. So far, not so good. I feel like even with the journal the doctor may think I'm faking it just due to recent happenings of people thinking I'm faking my "issues". I was put on pretty strong medicine when I was first diagnosed with anxiety, and I'm still on strong medicine to this day, but a different one. It's not like I can taking anything weaker, because it doesn't have any effects on me. While I was taking my medicine a few weeks ago, I still felt very anti-social which worries me.  I'm hoping that the thoughts die down while I'm on the medicine, if not than I may need to try something stronger, which I really don't want. 

     Hopefully everyone enjoyed the nicer weather today! I didn't, I enjoyed a nice day playing video games with the friend that came over. Though I did get a few more pictures for Opachii's Photography. Can't wait to start posting in that blog again!